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Perhaps because my diet consists largely of Kit-Kats, usually when I approach Mercury Food Editor Patrick Coleman about writing for the Mercury‘s food section, our interactions go like this:

ME: Man, Patrick Swayze sure was graceful, wasn’t he? I’m really sad that he’s gone.
PATRICK: Uh… sure?
ME: Hey, that reminds me: You should let me review food for your food section! I like telling people my opinions!
PATRICK: You know nothing about food.
ME: …
PATRICK: You had seven Kit-Kats for lunch today.
ME: Fuck you, Patrick.

~fin~

But you know what I do fucking know about, Patrick? You know what I am qualified to drink? FUCKING DUNGEONS & MOTHERFUCKING DRAGONS SODA POP, THAT’S WHAT.

I just ordered a six-pack of them—containing the fantastical flavors “Potion of Healing,” “Dwarven Draught,” “Eldritch Beast,” “Sneak Attack,” “Bigby’s Crushing Thirst Destroyer,” and my sure-to-be-favorite, “Illithid Brain Juice”—and as soon as they arrive (HURRY UP! ARRIVE ALREADY!) I will be drinking them all in a row, probably while watching this over and over and over (“Now it’s your time to DIEEEEEEEEE!”), and then I will review them for you, dear Blogtown readers, whether Patrick Coleman says it’s okay or not. Sleep easy this eventide, friends; thou shalt have mine opinion on D&D elixir ‘fore thou knowest.

Thanks to Topless Robot. Want to drink along? Dungeons & Dragons Spellcasting Soda available here.

With honor and distinction, Erik Henriksen served as the executive editor of the Portland Mercury from 2004 to 2020. He can now be found at henriksenactual.com.

7 replies on “Dungeons & Dragons Soda Is Magical, Will Make All of Your Dreams Come True.”

  1. They were giving away Magic: The Gathering themed sodas at the Wizards party at PAX. If these are anything like them, then it is just their normal soda with a nerdalicious name (ie Root Beer becomes Necromancers Tonic)

  3. Hey, I hear that “Potion of Healing” one is the GOP’s best idea for a solution to the health care problem. Ah … ha ha ha. Thank you.

    Graham, I’m not surprised you have yet to figure this out, but in this existence you are the one whose head is going in the toilet, you nerdy little bitch.

  7. I suggest you save the Potion of Healing for last, especially if thou wish to imbibe Illithid Bain Juice. I mean, those tentacled freaks have taste for Halfling grey matter. It’s like drinking Mother Brain’s wizz, trust me, you’re gonna’ need a mad ass Fortitude Save!

    Take care good sir. 🙂

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