Many of us suffer from genital herpes — and by “us” I mean “you” and not “me.” However, now there’s a great new PILL on the market that not only allegedly cures herpes (but most probably doesn’t), it also provides another very useful, and kind of horrifying side effect. Check out the following hilarious infomercial for HERPEX.

Bang bang, choo-choo train, let me see you shake that thang. Wm. Steven Humphrey is the editor-in-chief of the Portland Mercury and has held the job since 2000. (So don’t get any funny ideas.)