Just got an e-mail from Fort Worth, Texas regarding my Osama bin Laden story in this week’s Merc:

Subject: Black Hawk Rising

I stopped reading after the first paragraph…
O and his pals have made a mess out of this. Bring some adult leadership back to the WH like the guys that killed O.

Here’s my response:

While I agree with your super-clear e-mail that Osama bin Laden has made some messes, I do not agree with you that the Navy Seals who killed Osama bin Laden ought to be president of the United States. We cannot shoot the federal deficit in the face, for example, nor can we shoot our crumbling national infrastructure or rising health care costs in the face. I believe we should keep Navy Seals doing what they do best, which is, to wit: Shooting people in the face.

Sorry the first paragraph was such a bore, but I encourage you to go back to the essay and keep reading; it gets really good after that. For instance, in the fifth paragraph, I explained exactly when and where Jesus Christ would be returning in order to scoop up the handful of Real Americans who are left. (Spoiler warning: You might want to book a trip to Rhode Island over Labor Day weekend.) In the seventh paragraph, I shared a fast and fun recipe for roasted zucchini and feta. Delish!

Hi-ho,
Paul Constant

P.S. Unless your e-mail meant “Orrin Hatch and his pals have made a mess out of this. Bring some adult leadership back to the Washington Hierarchy like the guys that killed Oligarchy.” In which case: I totally agree with you.

2 replies on “Someone in Texas Disagrees with Me”

  1. {from inside the mind of J.Edger}
    That’s funny Paul. We might could use you. Need any money?

    But seriously, just like convincing Reve that Toole had murdered Adam, our courageous Seals will never questioned their order to kill “bin”-

    The real problem with the photo is that someone out there may recognize who this stooge really is, and come up with other photos. And we learned from phase I, you can’t doctor digital photos as easily as we thought. And if we release a photograph you know the Wolfes (Josh, Richard and Naomi, and the rest of those trouble-makers) will want to see the original digital file from the camera. Can’t claim we dropped that into the ocean too, can we? The bottom line is, no one will ever prove Thom, Randi or us wrong, and say for sure this isn’t the real bin! “Your President” is telling you the truth, Osama bin Laden is dead, that’s for sure- All you need to know is that we promised this “bin” that if he went along with us, and played “bin” for a little while, we’d “take care” of him — the whole seven virgin thing and more! And you can’t say we didn’t keep our promise, and look how happy everyone is! Haven’t seen this much joy around here since we executed phase I-

    As far as are corporate military and our corporate media are concerned, these Seals are heroes. It might be easier for you “conspiracy theorists” to convince Reve Walsh that sexual predator Ottis Toole didn’t kill Adam Walsh then it would be to change America’s mind. We all need hope, and even if the Hollywood Police conveniently lost the two blood samples from Toole’s car (like the way we lost bin’s body), which would have proved conclusively whether or not Toole murdered sweet, little Adam, it is always less painful to have someone to hate, or blame. It’s the American way!

    Just between you and me, why didn’t Reve show her six-year-old child exactly where she would be if he needed her, if she really was only a couple isles away as she claims? And if she was so close, then why didn’t she hear the boys fighting over the video game, as the security officer claims? Why would she leave a very small boy alone in a public mall, let alone with a couple other older boys that neither Adam or her knew? If you believe Toole’s varied confessions, from his death bed (Seeking attention?), then she is admitting, she wandered off shopping her “pretty little heart” off for at least twenty-five minutes or more.

    So like America, we gave Reve and John a way to not blame the mom for what we, I mean someone did to him… And now they don’t have to wonder forever what really happened… Under our story, Toole never sexually assaulted Adam, and isn’t that easier to believe…if you’re a parent- Besides, they’re both millionaires now with three new beautiful babies to replace Adam, and thanks to them, we’ve already been able to label a million American men as “registered sex offenders”! And isn’t it a little funny how we (thanks to Mark Foley and George W. Bush) made it so under the Adam Walsh Act Tier 3 is the very worst, and Tier 1 is the least dangerous? Wouldn’t you think it would be the other way around? Wouldn’t you think this confusion is itself dangerous, and misleading? Although confusing the American public isn’t very difficult. Still can’t believe “you’s people” elected “Little George”- That’s a real hoot!

    Whether it’s Eric Holder’s “Lone Wolfe” clause of the Patriot Act, which allows us to spy on anyone, whether we can prove they are a terrorist or not, or the Adam Walsh Act, which has already destroyed the lives of over a million Americans and their families, it’s all part of a bigger plan- Especially now that the marijuana scam has begun to run its course, and the “terrorism” thing is growing old with a lot of you, we always need a few new plans to keep “you’s people” distracted and under our thumb…until phase VII.

    Seriously, who’s really gonna believe Kevin Barrett or any of those conspiracy people?

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