Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend didn’t know about
vibrators. Gals love their toys. However, even the ballsiest boy might
feel a twinge of penis envy when he catches a glimpse of the thick
eight-inch pearl-studded Pink Panther on his darling’s bedside table.
Well, try this on for size: The Clone-A-Willy penis casting kit,
invented by a Portland entrepreneur and lovingly fashioned by folks
like Noah Kort right here in the Rose City. Noah’s been a part of the
fast-growing company for almost a year. He spends his days pouring
rubber into small jars (that’s patented, non-toxic rubber—a Big
Deal in sex toy circles), and at night hits the comic circuit as “The
Original Dildo Factory Comedian.” He’s a funny guy. Check his schedule
at noahkort.com.
How did you get into this line of work?
I used to make coffee drinks for the dildosmiths at the Bakery Bar.
It was Christmastime and I was looking to make some extra cash so I
took a part-time job with them. It turned out I was pretty good at
making dildos, so I quit the Bakery Bar and started working at the
“dildory” full-time. It’s a pretty decent gig—you know, benefits
and stuff.
No way! Every girl’s dream: a dildo maker with
benefits! What kind of dildos do you make?
We make a penis molding kit called Clone-A-Willy. The kit comes with
two jars of rubber that you mix together. You get a bag of alginate,
which is a non-toxic molding compound. You add water to the alginate,
pour it into the tube provided, stick your erection in there and make a
negative mold of your penis (or whatever phallic object you want to
stick into the tube). Then you fill the mold with rubber and displace
it with a ladyfinger dildo. When it’s done curing you have a vibrating
replica of your penis.
Do you make other products?
We manufacture different versions of Clone-A-Willy: chocolate,
candles, soap-on-a-rope, glow-in-the-dark vibrating dildo, and a
deep-tone flesh-colored vibrating dildo. We also have a Clone-A-Pussy
kit, but the end product is just a surface clone, so it’s more popular
in the chocolate variety. You can’t actually make a functioning sex toy
out of it.
Do you ever take your work home with you?
Yeah! I’ve tried all our products. It’s definitely a two-person
project to clone your penis. The alginate is time activated, so once
the water is mixed with the alginate, you have a limited amount of time
to get your full erection in there, so you really need someone else to
do all the other work while you focus on maintaining your hard-on.
Or vice versa, I suppose.
Or vice versa.