It’s weird when you find out someone you know actually has a “Real
Job.” Take Shari Jay, who’s as rebel as they make ’em south of the
Mason-Dixon. Shari’s a cowboy from Oklahoma, a tractor fanatic with a
degree in Irish literature, and a fixture at the more rock ‘n’ roll
after hours in town (when she’s not at home partying with her
infinitely wise and lovely eight-year-old daughter, Ruby Jude). Well,
it turns out Shari works a nine-to-five at the DEQ, an organization
I’ve found to be unpleasant at best. Shari likes it fine, though. She’s
been there upwards of a decade.
How did you get into this line of work?
There was an ad in the paper that said, “Do you like the outdoors?
Do you like cars?” I was like, “Fuck yeah!” I started at the very
bottom, testing cars at the Clean Air Station in Hillsboro. I worked
hard and became manager right away. I hated management. Luckily the DEQ
was just starting this new program and I had a cool boss who recognized
that I’d be better at that.
What are your duties?
I write rules and do research, development, and testing of new
products. The coolest thing that I’ve been working on is this remote
OBD [On-Board Diagnostic] thing. We put a transponder in your
vehicle—it has to be a ’96 or newer—and we’ll pick up a
signal from you while you’re driving and send you a certificate. We
read only your emissions equipment. We don’t care if you were at
Jiggles or going 80 mph down Belmont. You pay a flat fee for
installation and you never have to go through a Clean Air Center
again.
There’s a certain amount of dread associated with the DEQ.
It’s a pain in the ass to get your car tested, and expensive when it
fails.
We do a lot more than test cars. We oversee the quality of land,
water, and air for the State of Oregon. I’m in air, and I’m a
Gemini.
Are there any tricks for people who want to get their old beater
through DEQ?
Yes, but if I told you I’d have to kill you. We get fired if we
commit a fraudulent test. Believe me, there were times when I was
tempted, especially for elderly people or people who were clearly very
poor, driving an old pick-up with a bunch of kids.
If you’re on
the highway and some jerk cuts you off who’s leaking shit out of his
ass, is there a number to call?
There’s a Smoking Vehicle Hotline: 229-5066. Terrorize people. I do.