A city that loves its pubs thus loves its pub quizzes. A lucky few in Portland are able to solely support themselves through the hosting of quiz activities, and one of these rare persons is Roy Smallwood of Quizzy.
Smallwood’s duty is to distinguish Quizzy from the competing quizzes (most of which he contends are “much like fecal matter… vapid, dull, inarticulate, and full of holes”) and he does so in several ways. First, Quizzy don’t mess around with topics that are beneath civilized intelligence. The “WTFIQ?” FAQ promises you’ll never hear questions pertaining to celebrities or reality television, or generally “be rewarded for knowing stupid shit.”
Smallwood also, as you may be gathering, has a strong personality and strong opinions to go with it, some of which he shares with the world—he wrote a classic piece of hate mail to the Mercury back in 2006, in fact. And he also keeps a blog on the Quizzy website, a sampling of which it is my pleasure to present:
Salt grinders are so stupid. They exist only to make people feel fancy, and do nothing at all to food except make you have to use both hands while cooking or eating it. I love salt, but people have gotten way to snooty about it. For the most part, it’s fucking sodium chloride.
The article “How To Cook Lobster Tails: A Guide For People Who Don’t Have Butlers To Do All The Work” is jam-packed with jaw-dropping idiocy from start to finish, so I’ll just give you the iceberg’s tip.
Has anyone said “eat Ebola dicks” yet? You know, like some people will say “eat a bowl of dicks?” Get It?
In my world, one of the most damning indictments of a person’s character is the hatred of cats. Basically, the second someone expresses this type of disgust, I’m done with them forever.
If that doesn’t sell you on Quizzy, I just don’t know what will. Smallwood holds court five evenings a week at bars across the city. His longest-standing gig, though, is at Billy Ray’s where he’ll fittingly be celebrating the 10th anniversary of Quizzy on Thurs March 26. Why not take the opportunity to try out a little Quizzy and compare it to the other pub quizzes in your life? Especially when Smallwood contends that there is a “vast chasm of quality between what I do and what everyone else does.” That’s no small claim.
I agree, all other bar trivia in Portland is insignificant, especially Geeks Who Drink. Attending said trivia is akin to buying your produce at Walmart. Support your local Quiz master! All hail Smallwood! True fact: I have named both of my daughters Roy in honor of the first and only quiz king of PDX.
I met him when he worked at City Market! Weird.
I’m hella turgid. This is only the third thing anyone ever wrote about me that didn’t piss me off. One time my mom left a note in my lunchbox that said she loved me, but that was totally gay. Then I got a sweet, front-page-of-Metro Oregonian article in ’06, but even that made me out to be something of a fuckup. You’re gonna think I’m making this up, but tonight someone told me that “Marjorie Skinner” is a collective pseudonym of staff writers and not an actual person! Shit ya not. I NEVER offer up questions off the clock, but I’ll make this one exception just because I got stoked by this write-up. Ready? True or false – I’m naked right now, and I’m touching it.