PETS—PETS! PETS PETS PETS! Dogs! Cats! Lizards! Guinea pigs! Snakes? Ferrets! Fish! Birds! Today the Portland Pet Expo offers all kinds of exhibitors, adoptions, and stuff you’ll probably like but your pet will probably fucking hate, like free nail trims, discounted vaccinations, and humiliating costume contests. ERIK HENRIKSEN
Portland Expo Center, 2060 N Marine Drive, 10 am-6 pm, FREE, and yes, your pet can come
SEXY STORIES—It is assumed you like “sex” and it is assumed you like “stories,” so don’t miss the latest installment of the Mystery Box Show, which always includes local and national luminaries (as well as just regular folk) telling true funny/sad/serious/crazy stories from their pasts. True tales about porn addiction, polyamory, and botched threesomes! Whoopee! WM. STEVEN HUMPHREY
Mississippi Studios, 3939 N Mississippi, 7 pm, $14-16