CUPCAKES—Straight Cupcakin mixes beats, baked goods, and booze as if it ain’t no thing. Tonight features Grand Puba, Ohmega Watts, and Philly’s Phunkestra. Plus! Pastries and Valentine’s Day gifts from local craft vendors, all for a $5 cover—and if you RSVP, there’s an open bar! MD
The Crown Room, 205 NW 4th, 9 pm, $5 (RSVP for open bar to leighfeldman3@gmail.com)

BATTLE BIKES—The only two words that could possibly describe the annual weekend of debauchery known as Mini-Bike Winter are “fuckin’ epic.” There’s fun stuff all weekend long, but tonight’s late-night bike ride is circus themed and ends up at an all-night party at an undisclosed location. Be there, or be safe and warm at home. SM
Ride leaves from Alberta Park, NE 22nd & Killingsworth, 8 pm (ride leaves at 9 pm), FREE

Shit is getting real. My, What a Busy Week!

Bang bang, choo-choo train, let me see you shake that thang. Wm. Steven Humphrey is the editor-in-chief of the Portland Mercury and has held the job since 2000. (So don’t get any funny ideas.)