Everything as Fuck

LAST WEEK rap artist and producer Kanye West wrote the majority opinion in a shocking 10-9 Supreme Court case that overturned the Americans with Disabilities Act of 1990. (Note: Kanye gets 10 Supreme Court votes because Yeezus sounds like Jesus.) To the dismay of millions of your mom’s friends and future friends of your mother, the ruling didn’t stop there. Wheelchairs must now be referred to as FUCKBOIWAGONS and canes will now be known as “That thing that Kanye West doesn’t need because he has a fully functioning musculoskeletal system.”

Listen. (Look?) Look. Maybe you don’t enjoy Kanye West’s music. You’re WRONG about that, by the way, but whatever—it’s not a huge fuck-up. But for real? The Kanye hate, the Kanyate, is bombastically unreasonable. Let’s put aside the wheelchair incident for a moment, which was really nothing more than a standard “EVERYBODY STAND UP!” moment that happens at most gigantic rock concerts. We don’t even need to acknowledge that Kanye is just the latest target of the shitty denim-shorts, wallet-chain, manicured-beard, probably-listens-to-whatever-the-fuck-Seether-is, whoops-you-forgot-the-c-in-front-of-rap bullshit line of thinking that has prevailed in its subtly racist ways since rap BURST ONTO THE SCENE (that’s how rap is always described, as “bursting onto the scene.”)

Let’s put aside that hating Kanye for acting like a rockstar is pretty hypocritical when you consider that Led Zeppelin put a fish in a girl’s vagina and Metallica are Metallica. I can’t remember the last time I saw a Facebook post saying that Aja was a musical garbage fire, simply because Steely Dan are difficult, snarky assholes.

Let’s ignore the fact that people are simultaneously claiming to know enough about Kanye’s music to know it’s bad, but are also acting shocked that he has a god complex when he has songs where he explicitly mentions being a god. We can forget the fact that many of Kanye’s lyrics explore depression and despair and relationship woes and when he DOES talk about being a god—why the fuck is that so bad? Y’ALL HAVEN’T FELT DIVINE BEFORE? Y’ALL HAVEN’T HAD A DELICIOUS BRUNCH AND TWO BLOODY MARYS AND THEN DRIVEN AROUND TACOMA WITH YOUR #1 SLAMPIECE AND THEN INTERNATIONAL PLAYERS ANTHEM COMES ON THE RADIO AND YOU MAKE-OUT ABOUT IT, JUST TWO GODS, MAKING OUT IN A REASONABLEY PRICED SPORTS WAGON? Maybe not that, but I’m sure there’s something that makes all you Facebook moms of all ages, genders, and family statuses feel divine. Maybe it’s thinking up a really funny joke about white wine, I don’t know.

Let’s face this fact—the real problem isn’t Kanye’s god complex. The real problem is your outrage complex. The real problem is there are too many people who’ve decided their personality is going to be, “I’m mad about something so other people will see I’m mad about something.” The real problem is you act self-righteous and angry when you read the click-bait headline about a rapper, but your judgmental ass doesn’t have shit to say about Bill Cosby, because it hasn’t gone viral yet. You might even secretly watch that new Woody Allen movie, because that whole thing kind of had its moment in the sun already. Wheelchairs aren’t the real FUCKBOIWAGONS. You are.