I WAS A CHUBBY, loud, exuberant, burgeoning bon vivant of a child. I charmed adults with trivial trivia. I delighted classmates with witty well-timed observations in the middle of a third-grade lecture on the Iditarod. My teachers gushed to my smiling parents, my parents gushed to my smiling aunts, my aunts gushed to their smiling neighbors… those neighbors probably kept that shit to themselves. I was WEALTHY with grade-school currency, cousin, WEALTHY with it.
Then, middle school happened, and that currency was worthless: I wasn’t chubby; I was fat. I wasn’t witty; I was obnoxious. My Jeopardy prowess didn’t make me interesting; it made me a nerd. Nobody gushed to anybody.
The system wasn’t about impressing adults anymore. The system was about impressing your peers—really—it was about trying to sleep with your peers. In middle school the slow march toward FUCKING begins in earnest. That was not a pursuit in which I had the privilege of advantage. Nobody wanted to sleep with me then or through high school, and I couldn’t blame them—but the isolation felt real. You are being personally oppressed by a system that rewards… I don’t know, abs? Scented body spray access? Whatever it was, I didn’t have it.
It hurt SO FUCKING BAD. I pined for girls and settled for being their friend, which was still wonderful, but even that friendship crashed into me with the full weight of my inadequacies behind it. It felt terrible knowing there was something fundamentally wrong with me, something that made me the person who the girls complained to… not who they complained about. It’s a cruel trick—your world is so small at that point in your life, but your experiences are so massively formative. I felt marginalized. I felt oppressed. I was a white dude with two working parents.
When you’re an incredibly privileged white dude, there isn’t a lot you’re supposed to say about issues that affect the people you’re oppressing with your very existence. There are forces within you, beyond your control, that seek to perpetuate that oppression. Even a dubious response is a luxury that a person of color, a woman, someone from the LGBTQ community extends… and they don’t owe you even that; hostility is a more logical response. This isn’t me kneeling before the throne of political correctness or even reciting a codex of phrases that allow me to pass safely through the realm of “social justice”—this is simply me stating what I perceive to be true.
I also know this to be true: Once upon a time I was someone saying “not all men.” I was someone who was hurt by being “friend-zoned.” I was a low-key version of some of these assholes who protest all-female comedy festivals and rally on about “Gamergate” online. I was lucky enough to encounter a few wonderful women who educated me with EMPATHY. It can be hard to hear that you’re part of an oppressive system when all you’ve done that day is eat breakfast and go to a shitty job. It’s true, but it’s hard to hear.
Be angry, be righteous—every movement needs Malcolm and Martin—but if there’s ANYTHING I can say to help move things forward, just remember that these assholes on the internet are wrong… but underneath it all they are hurt, damaged humans, just like the rest of us. Sometimes it’s worth it to appeal to that human. @IanKarmel
So what do we do when we HAVE tried to “appeal to that human” and they are still assholes…still determined to hang on to that privilege while proclaiming their victimhood? Then we have to beat the fuckers back in any non-violent way we can, politically, culturally, sexually (anyone remember Lysistrata?). Empathy is admirable, but when your empathy is eaten for breakfast and shat all over you by lunch (for centuries!), it’s OK not to feel like extending that courtesy anymore.
ERA Amendment – Yes
Legal Weed -Yes
Drivers Cards – No, but I bet that 3/4 of assholes blowin’ shit on the internet voted for it. At least in Multnomah Co.
All three of those are “walk a mile” social issues. Although , I still don’t get the ERA one. Seems like a stunt. But that’s my PCP talking. Right?
Leave it to ‘Murican culture to turn friendship into a bad thing.
@ eprophet, I think he’s saying don’t line your potential allies up with your enemies and shoot them all firing squad style. There are lots of people born with privilege that have had personal struggles or have seen them first hand that can/will relate, empathize, and go to war by your side.
“… these assholes who protest all-female comedy festivals and rally on about “Gamergate” online…”
You’re lumping that one guy who protested the all woman comedy show in with Gamergate? Or equating them? Who the f- are you talking about?
“… just remember that these assholes on the internet are wrong… but underneath it all they are hurt, damaged humans… “
Speak for yourself. Occasionally, assholes can be right. I, too, was once a PC condescending blowhard. If you’re going to use #gamergate, bring something insightful, informative, or funny to the conversation. (instead of “kneeling before the throne of political correctness.” )
Ian, this is one of your best articles. I’ll agree strongly with feminism in general, but I do worry that the message gets lost sometimes in the tone. There are people out there that mean well but simply don’t understand the consequences of their words or actions. Even “Matt Lone Woof”, in his interview with Amy Miller, came off as kind of pitiable because he sounded like he did not want to be anti-woman, but he didn’t understand what it was he was protesting. In no way does that mean that he was correct in any of his assumptions, and he clearly was being a willful blockhead when Amy explained to him why the “All Dick, No Jane” festival exists, but his motives seemed less misogynistic and more, as you state, lacking empathy. It’s completely fair to be mad at a “Matt Lone Woof”, because ultimately he is serving to derail equality, but there is a difference between being blind to your privilege and outright misogyny and sometimes that has to be recognized in order to instigate change. Anyway, you said it better than I can.
Tom – I will say that even when Gamergate started back in August, it seemed horrendously overbearing because it targeted one female game developer with a rather under-the-radar game whose overall exposure was fairly limited, and she received violent and sexual threats. “Video games journalism” ranks pretty low on most people’s lists of priorities. Even if you ARE a regular gamer, hell even the newest Sim City’s initial positive reviews should have caused more concern giving what a steaming pile of shit that was, and it was $50 and received rave reviews as a big-budget title. So I find it easy to be dismissive of even the initial claims. But I really want to ask you – now, in November, what exactly is Gamergate about? What is the fight for at this point, aside from attempting to deflect criticism away from the “movement”?
PSU Vangaurd, is that you?
Aestro – I find the coverage of Gamergate fascinating. It reminds me of how Occupy was dismissed by many in the media. When Ian makes broad generalizations and tags his article #gamergate, I was just asking, “What’s the point?” So we can marginalize people we don’t like, and call out others that do?
The last game I played was Dance Dance Revolution, so I really don’t care about the gaming press, but I sympathize for people that feel marginalized, and written off as angry white kids living in their mom’s basement. I’m not going to summarize what it’s about, but it is not about what (most of) the press reports. And it’s not what has been pushed on Blogtown. Of course, this isn’t the place to go for nuance.
http://www.forbes.com/sites/erikkain/2014/…