Credit: Illustration by Ryan Alexander-Tanner

I HATE BACON. I don’t hate actual bacon. Actual bacon is fine. I hate the idea of bacon. I hate the idea of bacon because the internet has ruined the idea of bacon because, at some point, enjoying bacon became a personality trait. There are individuals who appear to violently enjoy bacon more than anyone one else on earth.

CHECK OUT THESE SOCKS, THEY LOOK LIKE BACON. THESE ARE BAND-AIDS, BUT THEY LOOK LIKE BACON. I MADE A TACO SHELL BY WEAVING TOGETHER PIECES OF BACON. THE EMPEROR’S NEW CLOTHES ARE MADE OUT OF BACON. THEY SHOULD BRING PIMP MY RIDE BACK AND INSTEAD OF FIXING YOUR CAR, THEY GIVE YOU A PLATE OF BACON, AND YOU RIDE THAT BACON TO YOUR JOB AT BACON.

I don’t understand why the internet picked bacon. Bacon is genuinely delicious, but so is beef stroganoff. Where the fuck is my beef stroganoff calendar? Beef stroganoff can’t get any shine? I guess it doesn’t matter what it is—the internet has similarly fetishized pizza, cats, Ron Swanson, “ironic” mustaches, Doctor Who, and, you know, that’s how culture functions. We get all worked up about shit based on all sorts of different criteria, but it seems like when these obsessions originate on the internet, they’re coated in a layer of “geek” that seeks to obscure the true nature of these things.

If something is “geeky,” then it doesn’t seem like the dumb lowest-common-denominator bullshit that it really is. If something is “geeky,” then we don’t have to acknowledge that it contains the same cultural value as one of those “COOL STORY, BRO” t-shirts that they sell at the beach. But LOOKBABY, bacon and mustaches and Grumpy Cat are dumb as fuck.

I also hate me for the condescending tone I just took in that last sentence, and I should probably say that when I call that internet shit dumb, I’m not using dumb as an insult. I love dumb stuff. Most of my favorite stuff is dumb. Law and Order is dumb. UGK are dumb. It’s dumb when I stand over my sink and squirt ranch dressing onto an increasingly smaller carrot. Dumb stuff can be wonderful, but it’s still dumb as hell. The internet isn’t a boutique anymore. It hasn’t been for ages. You’re probably reading this on the internet. Charmin has a Twitter account. You aren’t a geek if you like Doctor Who, you’re just somebody who enjoys dumb, formulaic red meat television. (JUST LIKE THE REST OF US.)

Geek is meaningless. Geek is the NFL, now. Geek is the Olive Garden. Chris Hardwick is a geek and Chris Hardwick is a gorgeous man with spiked hair and very expensive jeans. You’re not a geek, you’re just a person who enjoys enjoyable things, and maybe if you don’t tie up your identity in hyperbolic enjoyment of products that project some kind of contrived identity, the rest of us don’t have to cringe when we order a BLT every now and then.

13 replies on “Everything as Fuck”

  1. finally, ian. i usually read your column because you come off as so sophomorically out of touch and it’s charming. but, finally, you’ve touched on something that is unbiasedly true, drives me insane as well, and has totally fucked up the ordering of a blt pretty much everywhere. these idiotic bacon fetishists need to be stopped…and they’re fucking everywhere.

  5. Next week on Everything As Fuck: unicorns. Why aren’t they called uniHORNS? Do they eat corn or something? Do wizard/farmers (that’s right, they’re wizards AND farmers, that could be the basis for the best/worst Rush album yet) in rural Mythologyzistan yell out “MAW, THE UNICORNS ARE IN THE MAGIC CORNFIELD AGAIN!!!”? Do unicorns eat bacon? Do they listen to Korn? I could write an entire column about Korn if you’d like. Would you like? No? THEN WORK WITH ME ON THIS UNICORN THING, OKCUPID??!?

    So if you ate a rasher of unicorn bacon, would you break out in a rash of mythical proportions?

  7. Can’t wait for Wendy’s to introduce the Stroganoffanator: three quarter pound patties, caramelized onions, swiss cheese, with a greasy scoop of hot stroganoff in between every one. Oh yeah.

  8. This so fucking needs to be said. Bacon has gotten too damn smug, and bacon aficionados have gotten too damn proud of it. I can’t enjoy a couple-three strips of bacon anymore, I’ve got to kow-tow submissively and then build a three-bedroom home out of it and then maybe, just maybe, I get to eat it.

    Look, I get it. Bacon’s tasty. But I tried that Bacon Explosion … you know, that one where they take sausage, crumble up bacon, wrap it in bacon and more sausage and more bacon, and then dare you to eat it? Now, you’d think a haggis with all the yecch out and nothing but bacon and fried seasoned pig in it would be heaven. But no, well, unless you mean in the way that this might send you to meet Jeebus much quicker than you thought you would, even WITH your desultory eating habits to date.

    I mean, I took one bite of that monstrosity and my tongue actually jumped out of my mouth, looked at me and screamed IF YOU EVER SO MUCH AS LICK ONE OF THOSE THINGS AGAIN I WILL JUMP OUT OF YOUR MOUTH WRAP MYSELF AROUND YOUR THROAT AND SQUEEZE UNTIL YOU STOP BREATHING.

    Enough with the bacon already.

  9. Classic Beef Stroganoff

    A KosherEye Signature Recipe

    Ingredients:

    2 lbs thinly sliced chuck or London Broil (2” long, ¼ “ wide strips)
    4 Tablespoons canola oil
    2 thinly sliced onions
    1 lb sliced mushrooms
    2 Tablespoons margarine
    4 tablespoons flour
    12 ounces beef stock (such as Manischewitz), warmed
    12 ounces MimicCreme
    2 teaspoons mustard
    2 Tablespoons Worcestershire sauce
    2 Tablespoons fresh thyme
    2 Tablespoons fresh parsley
    1 pound cooked medium or wide egg noodles

    Directions:

    Heat large non-stick pan, add canola oil and quickly sear meat on all sides, for about a minute. Remove to a bowl.

    Add margarine. Add minced garlic — simmer until fragrant — remove.

    Sauté onions and mushrooms; simmer until onions are golden. Whisk in flour, and simmer, stirring constantly.

    Separately, blend together broth, Worcestershire, mustard, and MimicCreme. Add liquid mixture to pan, including any meat juices, and simmer, without boiling, until sauce thickens; about 5 minutes.

    Return meat and garlic to sauce and heat, without boiling, until meat is cooked through. Season to taste with salt and pepper; stir in thyme and parsley and spoon over hot noodles.

    http://www.koshereye.com/meat/177-classic-…

  12. Mushrooms are part of what keep stroganoff from achieving internet fame, although if mac and cheese couldn’t get internet celebrity nailed down then what chance does a perfect shroom-free stroganoff have?

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