I went to a Timbers game once. It was outstanding. They were playing the LA Galaxy, which was exciting because David Beckham was there (he of the big dick underwear ads and highly specialized ability to “bend it” as foretold in the 1965 John Updike classic Bend It Like Beckham) or maybe they were excited because Timbers fans hate the LA Galaxy, which is something Timbers fans seem to be really good at—hating things. I’m not saying the Galaxy aren’t worthy of derision. Their name is “The Galaxy,” which is pretty presumptuous—it seems like their name was decided upon by two nine-year-olds one-upping each other at a lunch table:

“MY DAD IS THE RED BULLS”

“OH YEAH WELL MY DAD IS THE EARTHQUAKES”

“OH YEAH WELL MY DAD IS THE WHOLE ENTIRE GALAXY”

…”my dad is Chivas”

“SHUT UP, SETH.”

Still, it seems like there’s enough acrimony amongst Timbers fans to fill an entire pitch! (HAHA JUST KIDDING, I CALL IT A FIELD FUCK YOU THESE COLORS DON’T RUN.) Timbers fans are mad at Seattle, they’re mad at each other, they’re mad at me for making jokes about the Timbers, chill the fuck out Timbers fans. You don’t get a free pass for acting like self-important, lumbering, dumb-fuck sports fans just because you’re self-important, lumbering, dumb-fuck fans of a sport that all the other self-important, lumbering, dumb-fuck sports fans spend their time mocking.

You’re fans of a beautiful game, I guess… but I don’t really care for soccer. Who gives ten damns if I like soccer? Please don’t feel threatened by the public-at-large’s lack of interest, because it makes you seem insane. If I’m eating a grilled cheese sandwich and I become aware that someone doesn’t like grilled cheese sandwiches, and it makes me so angry that it prevents me from enjoying my grilled cheese sandwich, I’m fucking up my own Christmas. Besides, there are plenty of people at these games—and I call them games, not matches. I call it soccer, not football. I call them uniforms, not kits. When you go out of your way to correct these minor word preference differences when someone is just trying to make polite conversation, you’re an asshole. Some of the people I’ve met from the Timbers Army take themselves more seriously than people from the actual army. You’re wearing matching scarves and singing songs—take it down a notch.

I don’t mean the scarves or the singing, either. I love the scarves and the singing. The Timbers game I went to was one of the most intoxicating, beautiful sporting events I’ve ever attended. Watching the Timbers Army made me angry at other sports for not having that kind of appreciation for the absolute absurdity of the enjoyment of spectator sports and a celebration of that enjoyment despite the absurdity. Focus on that. Focus on your own enjoyment and not on your paranoia that others might not be enjoying it as much as you.

I’ve always maintained that if you got a bunch of hipsters drunk, let them wear scarves and sing together, then it made no difference what was in front of them. They’d show up for a reading of Shrek 3. You know that’s not true, though, so who gives a fuck what I think. Watch your damn game and leave me alone.

16 replies on “Portland as Fuck”

  2. The Timbers & MLS were something I peripherally followed and was genuinely happy that existed until a few years ago. Not that I would attend a game or cough up some cash to promote American Airlines or anything, but glad there was a fringe sport this city of freaks ( that is if liking Star Wars an awful lot makes you a freak) had to call their own.

    I too can identity with being obsessed with a fringe sport…hockey.You know soccer on ice -only faster and with more beer and fighting and less flopping. Ok in most places hockey is way more “normal” to be into than soccer, but in PDX more people understand what yellow cards mean over the goalie trapezoid. There is no real NHL presence in the Pacific Northwest so Winterhawk games are kind of like a United Nations summit on hockey. Go to one and you will see jerseys from Dynamo Moscow to the Owen Sound Attack sprinkled in with a sea of Redwing and Winterhawk gear.

    The Timbers Army have a night where they all sit in the same section, which in theory is awesome because Timber fans seem to be the best fans in the MLS. In fact they are such good fans they still root for their team even when attending an entirely DIFFERENT sport. That’s right. They are singing their ” No pity” songs as if Donovan Ricketts was in goal instead of Mac Carruth. They are decked out in Timbers gear doing Timbers Army traditions to dismay of the Ice Hockey fans in the Rose Garden ( because there is no way the Vet would be good enough for them.)

    It kinda dawned on me when they were singing one of their songs after THE OTHER TEAM SCORED that the Timbers Army is more about them getting attention then the actual sporting event they are attending. It’s like no matter what was happening they had to remind us all ” Hey we are here and we love the TIMBERS even at a hockey game, and you little pissants are lucky to hear our new cheers.!” Does it cross anyone’s mind how condescending behavior like that may come off? IBM goes to a shit load of these games too, but you don’t seem them laying people off during “TNT”or the kiss cam.

    Timbers Army leave the green scarves at home and take up the black ( and red) on hockey night. We hockey fans are an ugly bunch but it makes our day to explaining icing to a new fan. Go with the flow and leave the swimming upstream for another night. We are happy to have you but its hard to respect another persons freakish obsession when they do not seem to have much respect for yours.

  3. I played soccer for nine years back in the day into my late teens in the middle of nowhere against Mexicans from orchards when nobody gave two shits about it and although I enjoyed the shit out of it I can’t stand watching it on TV. It bores me to death. Playing and watching are definitely two different things.

  4. Any game in which both teams may (probably will) not score is evil because it means the fans will be insanely dissatisfied and probably loot and riot or at the very least do weird things with chainsaws and beer.

    Soccer would be WAY cooler with no goalie. Hell it would be horizontal NBA!

  7. Here are some of the things we drunk hipsters (is a 48 yr old dad that has a 9/5 gig a hipster?) do in addition to watching our damn game:

    http://pitch-invasion.org/
    http://timbersarmy.org/community/gisele-cu…
    http://www.wweek.com/portland/blog-506-tim…
    http://blog.oregonlive.com/timbers/2011/08…

    and a longer list here:
    http://timbersarmy.org/107ist/community

    This still only accounts for just a very small portion of the community giving and donations on behalf of the Timbers Army, 107 Independent Supports Trust and our individual interests. The game brings us together. Together we give to community. Team. Town. TA.

    Yup, we’re just a bunch of haters.

  8. I agree with Ian. People need to chill out. Motherfuckers can’t take a joke. Problem is too many people have taken on TA culture as a personality implant, so any criticism of any minor detail seems like a personal attack. Which means some of us are dangerously close to becoming soccer’s Trekkies. Yeah, we sing loudly and make big drawings. We help out in the community and try to be a net positive. So what? I don’t do that to get validation from others or use it as a cudgel to fuck with people who don’t like the same things I like the way I like them. Larp at me, bro!

    Hey Ian, thanks for coming to a game.

  10. Ian. Please don’t come to Timbers games. You’re taking a seat away from someone who actually likes the sport and wants to be there. Thanks.

  11. I like the Timbers. I like Soccer. I’m happy if they win, but not quite disappointed and disjected if they lose or draw, this is because I have other likes and hobbies. For some people, that’s all they have. It’s like everything really, I can’t stand political types, or religious people, or certain types of nerds; it’s group-think and it ruins everything.

    On the other hand, we’ve been sucking for the last few years, last year especially, the atmosphere always made up for it. The Timbers finished at the bottom of the table, but the TA made one of the best tifo’s to end all tifo’s. It was a great piece of art. And the games are just a great thing to behold. It’s a party for sure.

    I’m totally with Ian though, just enjoy it and don’t take yourselves too seriously. (seriously)

  12. Hipsters? Motherfucker, you have a column called Portland As Fuck in the most hipster weekly in existence! Is this just textbook projecting? Are you in hipster fucking denial??

  14. I have followed the Timbers/FC Portland Timber for 3 decades. I was fine with how it was and is now, but he is right. Seriously, take it easy and enjoy the match

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