THERE WAS a point in human history when it made sense to discourage homosexual relationships, simply from a hard numbers standpoint. There were hella wolves, and smart people were like, “Oh fuck, there are hella wolves. We’re losing, like, 15 people a day to wolfdeath—which would be fine, but there are a bunch of people who are super enthused about butt fucking and they never have any babies… let’s tell them that it bums God out if you butt fuck all day. We’ll get those wolves yet.” Don’t get me wrong, people were still butt fucking and lady butt fucking all over the place, they just had to hide it so as not to publicly bum out God ‘n’ such.
The problem with the Bible is that it lacked foresight. It didn’t know we would one day become an overcrowded planet. Encouraging behavior that would lead to more babies made sense once upon a time, but it doesn’t make sense anymore. It’s an archaic command. The people stomping around and claiming that homosexuality is wrong because it says it’s wrong in the Bible are the religious equivalent of those Japanese soldiers on remote Pacific islands who never found out that World War II was over. Here’s what the Bible should have said: “It super bums out God if you butt fuck, so don’t butt fuck, but if there are ever so many people on the planet that there are TWO Gallaghers, please feel free to butt fuck without remorse.”
When I see someone who is intimidated by gay marriage, I see a child startled by dinosaur bones at a museum. When I see someone try to deny someone else the right to pursue a full and equal life because of that intimidation, I see that same child throwing a pants-shitting tantrum, covered in snot and cotton candy, crying on the floor of the museum’s gift shop. I don’t give a fuck if you’re cranky ‘cuz the dinosaur bones scared you—you need to grow up or we aren’t coming to this museum anymore.
I’m going to be very corny right here, but… you know what makes me love this country, even when we fuck up in big ways? My people, the Jews, got chased all over Europe and Asia for hundreds and hundreds of years. They were killed, beaten, tortured—yes—but they were also denied the basic dignities of being functioning members of society. They weren’t allowed to shop at certain stores, they weren’t allowed to live in certain parts of town.
This isn’t the same as being struck down with a sword, but it’s a slow, humiliating, grating death. It’s a hollowing out of one’s humanity. For hundreds of years we were chased from humiliating scenario to humiliating scenario with only occasional respite… and then the United States happened. Though the notion that “all men are created equal” has been laughably ignored at times (slavery, tons of other things that pale in comparison to slavery) it has always been the country’s mission statement, and one that we come closer to realizing with an agonizingly glacial−but deliberate−pace. In the United States of America, I get to live in any neighborhood I can afford and two lesbians in Gresham get to buy a wedding cake. If you don’t like it, get the fuck out of the museum. @IanKarmel
I thought the country’s mission statement was “grab the goodies.”
i read “The problem with the Bible is that it lacked foreskin.” oh shit, that says sight! lol
Yes indeed; the nail got whacked by the appropriate implement right there.
Humans spend far too much time worrying about what other people do, should do, can’t do, might do, won’t do, etc. Spend more time in your own head, and if you can’t then STFU and leave people alone.
This little book I have written in the Bronze Age and reinterpreted every couple years says that your sexual orientation is an “Abomination unto God”. It also says the same thing about blended fabrics and has this quaint bit about stoning your prospective wife to death at her father’s doorstep when you find out she’s not a virgin. But we’ll just pay attention to the parts that reinforce my own personal bigotry, if that’s cool with you.
hey Ian i told you i would tell you when your column sucks. It sucks now. I sincerely don’t know what your point is. You start off talking about this and then you move on to that but its not funny. Stay on point or be funny.
Honest opinion: Wolves are funny but not 500 words funny.
You’re a serious mouth breather. You must get exhausted easily.
Hey I’mrightyerwrong, I can’t tell if your comment is sarcastic or serious. Partly because this column is written with the focus entirely on homosexuality and gay rights, and partly because your comment blows balls. Unless for some reason you think this piece is about gay wolves. Either way, figure it out.
what do wolves have with gay rights? sides Karmel isnt ever saying hes gay. Seems like he should be a little gay so it would make sense why gay rights is so important. Just make sense is all we deserve. Or be funny.
Gallagher likes to mix politics with his “comedy” too 🙂
There are TWO Gallaghers?! I’m not even Googling that. The prospect is too depressing.
God- you are so stupid
you crass gross slob learn some other words besides fuck ok its soooooo last tuesday
up your meds.
I’m with you, “I’mrightyerwrong” my column doesn’t make any sense – now we just have to figure out a way to get the hundreds of people who WERE able to understand it to agree with us. Let me know if you have any ideas.
Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.
After Pantherskill’s comments, I’ve decided to end the Portland As Fuck column. I’d like to apologize for my well-intentioned but ultimately harmful allegiance to last Tuesday.
@Satorical Yeah, the original Gallagher sold his act to his brother at some point, but then OG Gallagher decided he wanted to start doing his act again. Undaunted, Brother Gallagher kept doing the act and all of a sudden you have two Gallaghers.
@Ian – I can’t believe I agree with anything I’mrightyerwrong says, but…yeah, you should totally be a little gay. Come on! Don’t make it weird. Just be a little gay! It’ll be fun!
And please don’t end your column.