THE FIRST TIME I saw the words “Keep Portland Weird” I was somewhere around 12 years old and I was buying a Kool and the Gang tape from the old Music Millennium on NW 23rd. I remember seeing the mottoโwhich we totally fucking rolled Austin’s pockets for, BTWโand identifying with it. Well, maybe not identifying with it… but wanting to identify with it. I was young and lame and Portland was not only telling you it was weird, but it was cool with it. I wanted to be that confident. I wanted to be weird and interesting and so stoked on my own eccentricities that, if you didn’t get on board, YOU were the problem, not me. I mean, I was fucking 12 years old so it wasn’t that elegant of a thought. It was probably more like, “Portland is weird, huh? That’s better than whatever I’ve got going on”โbut the spirit is the same.
The 24 Hour Church of Elvis shut its doors/alcove for the final time a couple of weeks agoโanother shred of identity chipping off the cold concrete wall, driving Portland further away from an organic, unique particularity and into the bleak inevitability of manufactured quirk.
That’s what you’re supposed to think, anyway.
Every time one of these O.G. Portland institutions morphs into pure nostalgia the city suffers a minor existential crisis. If you needed a short-hand explanation for why Portland is weird, the 24 Hour Church of Elvis was a pretty common example. Now it’s gone, but I can’t tell if we should be upset. It was a charming monument, but I can’t fight the feeling that the 24 Hour Church of Elvis was the Fidel Castro of Portland oddity, holding on long after its era had passed.
Now when I think about the words “Keep Portland Weird,” I become afraid that we’ve been damned by the commandment. You know how sometimes you’ll meet parents who make their kids wear Wu-Tang Clan onesies and insist that their kid’s favorite band is New Order and you become generally concerned about that child’s ability to rebel and create their own identity? There’s a chance our entire fucking city is that kid right now.
Can we keep getting weirder and still be doing shit that we still actually believe in? I mean, the last night the 24 Church of Elvis was open, the only thing subversive about it was that it wasn’t generating money in a heavily commercial part of town. I don’t know what the goal of the Church of Elvis was, I don’t know if it had a goal, but if it had anything to do with making this a weirder place, it fucking won. It did its job. It’s sad that it’s gone, but this city is not a museum. We can’t be a sect of monks obsessively dedicated to some dying god of authenticity. You know what, if we’re the children of hip parents… then we are. And there isn’t a thing we can do to change itโthere is only one thing to do, and that is to forge on, be honest, and create honesty. Burn your Wu-Tang onesie and Keep Portland Weird.
I see your point, but I still would’ve liked my clones and their clonsorts to be able to visit the 24 Hour Church of Elvis on its 500th anniversary.
Well by that point everything that has ever existed will once again exist simultaneously, I think.
I think I was around 12 when my mom took me to the Church. She was a busybody so she knocked on the door to chat with whoever was running it that day. We were invited in and Elvis (you know, from Saturday Market) invited us in and performed for the 2 of us. I proudly sported that glow-in-the-dark shirt for many years after that. Good job, Church of Elvis.
Now we progress to “Keep Portland Insufferable.”
^^it’s working!
Is insufferable the right word? There are warmer places, cheaper places, places with lower unemployment, fuck, there are place that are all three of those. If you’re suffering through Portland, why not leave?
insufferable |inหsษf(ษ)rษbษl|
adjective
too extreme to bear; intolerable: the heat would be insufferable by July.
โข having or showing unbearable arrogance or conceit: an insufferable bully | insufferable French chauvinism.
Yes. Our entire city is that kid now. ๐
Also, what’s happened is the exact opposite of people being “honest.” Thanks for nothing, newbies. Tell ya what…you finish turning this place into Every Other City In America. We’ll find someplace else. And THIS time? We won’t let the city marketing people and the corporations who fund them let you know about it. Love, the Former City of Portland.
Portland started on the freedom that a cheap cost of living provides. Now that rent is through the roof, and commercial real estate is even higher (vacant lot on N. Mississippi sold for $425K) there is no room for creativity. now everything has a corporate price tage and corporate risk factor. the idol rich people that can afford the close in housing and rentals that were once the nerve center of local culture are nothing but a bunch of spoiled posers. Going through inner SE on a weekend now is like a douche river. Portland is slowley becoming the next Las Vegas (once a cool town believe it or not)
I saw a dude in an Affliction shirt at Horse Brass last week. He was with a girl whose skirt stopped just below her I can’t finish this sentence without offending someone.
Austinite here who transplanted a few years ago. I saw a dude with an invisible dog leash standing on a corner wearing a knee length sweatshirt and white children-sized sunglasses just for the hell of it. He let his crosswalk light change more than once because he just wanted to be seen. I thought, okay. Austin is the original, Jerry Garcia weird. We coined it. But Portland is the “What the fuck. You are just weird,” weird. Which is entirely different. You win.