IT’S STUPID GORGEOUS outside as I write this, but unless this is your first year in Portland, you know goddamn well this isn’t going to last. Until July you only really get dalliances with dope weather. (Let’s all try to say “dalliance” more this year. “Hey Ian, how come you missed your doctor appointment?” “Oh, I was having a dalliance with some malt liquor.” BE MORE CHARMING. CHURCH UP YOUR LIFE.)
It can be super disheartening to have and then so quickly lose the beautiful weather, especially with the monotonous grayscale existence that we splosh through for such a significant stretch of the year. Well, dear reader, I’m here to remind you that when the weather is nice it isn’t all peaches and cream, or Peaches and Herb, or Captain and Tennille, or whatever—there’s some old bullshit that happens when the weather is nice, and while you’re wringing a freak rain shower out of your denim jacket, remember, it ain’t always better in sunny weather. I present, the worst things about sunny days in Portland:
Dudes with dandelion crowns—I saw this shit the other day and it made me so angry that I’m convinced my fury made it rain for a week. I get it, you’re lying in some grass, taking in the sun, and within reach is a patch of dandelions and you fuck around with them ’cause lying in some grass is kind of boring. Fine. But don’t fucking stroll through the Lloyd Center parking lot with that crown of intertwined dandelions like you’re the Enlightened King of Expensive Denim Shirts. You’re not. You’re the worst. Your dandelion crown is the “Cool Story, Bro” T-shirt for people who talk about going to Burning Man. If you’re going to wear a crown made out of things that grow out of the earth, I’m going to nail you to a cross.
How sweaty I get—None of us are stoked about it.
Longboards—”I want to skateboard, but I also want people to know how excited I am about Train’s ‘Hey, Soul Sister’…” DO I HAVE A PRODUCT FOR YOU?!
Shorts deniers—I see you, tight jeans all chopped up trying to get some air circulation on your ding-dong. You want to stay cool, but you also want to BE cool. You aren’t the kind of person who would wear shorts, though. No, not you. You wear pants. Your pants are too hot, though, so you hack away at them until there’s almost nothing left of the original. You turn Jefferson Airplane into Jefferson Starship, and you’re building a city all right, but it isn’t built on Rock ‘n’ Roll. YOU’RE BUILDING A CITY ON LIES. BUY SOME GODDAMN SHORTS.
Chinatown—I don’t mean the crime. The crime is worth it on the off chance that some dude with a dandelion crown gets stabbed. I mean those beautiful weekend nights when you’re meandering through downtown and then those clubs in Chinatown start barfing out clusters of supbros and woogirls into the streets, turning your pleasant evening into a circus of shouted Hangover quotes and abandoned high heels and dumb fights and “BRIT! OVER HERE, BRIT!”s and Jettas speeding toward red lights at 60 MPH.
I hope that helps. I know it really won’t, but next time you’re frowning out your window at the grim certainty of wet socks, have yourself a dalliance with some sour grapes. @IanKarmel
You’re way off base telling people not to mess with dandelions. Dandelions are Satan’s shiny yellow eyeballs. Don’t spray poison on them, but if someone wants to pick ’em before they spray their hellish seed through the air, more power.
You’re wrong, Ian. This is the year we get a nice spring. Understand? THIS IS THE YEAR WE GET A NICE SPRING.
And the Cubs are going to win the World Series.
Fuck nice weather. Me being sweaty isn’t good for anyone either. I just end up crying a lot and passing out.
Dandelion crowns? Seriously? And no pics? Shame on you Ian! Oh,and avoid Chinatown, ten square blocks of douche bags and hipsters. Tis a foul and fey place (and lame as fuck)
I tried to take a picture and my phone turned into an iTunes certificate that could only be used to buy a Coconut Records song.
Seems like I never read about fluoridation anymore.
oh boy. It isn’t portland if it isn’t raining and some stooge isn’t complaining about it. They dont complain about weather all the time in places where things actually happen. Cruddyful nice place we have here. A million people in rivertown all milling around in the drizzle. Why is Seattle so much better and yet still a horrible place?
^^^I’ve started a Kickstarter to get this guy to kill himself, let me know if you want the link.
I’d rather it rain through June than have one week of 100 degree weather in August.
I enjoy the 100 degree days in an almost masochistic way.
ohh my dear fat boy Carmel. Please be careful. Piggishly Bloated AND thin-skinned makes for a nasty mess at the end.
Seems a waste of time and energy worrying about somebody wearing skinny jeans in the warm weather or someone wearing a ‘crown of dandelions’. There are far other things to concern yourself with man. Fuck this column, You got a problem with Portland? Then take your size 40 waist somewhere else and write a column complaining about how much you hate everything.