[Last week, a douchey article titled “Six Reasons Why Portland Sucks for Single Men” made the rounds on the Internets; it attributed the author’s inability to get laid to a variety of factors including the weather and the relative attractiveness of Portland’s womenfolk. What follows is a point-by-point re-creation of his arguments, in case you missed it the first time.—Eds.]

1. The weather is miserable.

Why aren’t people talking about this?! Look, before I moved here, people warned me about Portland—”It’s hard to date rape people who are already strung out on heroin,” and “The Portlandia statue is a total bitch, don’t even try.” I was prepared for that, but why doesn’t anyone ever talk about the weather? I have at least nine fedoras that I CANNOT get wet. That’s like 10 percent of my fedoras that I can’t even wear. What’s the fucking point of having a dragon made out of fire on the back of your shirt if you have to wear a coat all the time?

2. The city is bum central.

I know this one is confusing, because it’s like, “bum” is another word for butt, but I don’t mean butts. I mean homeless people! I can’t even go to the library to use their computers to leave racist comments on YouTube videos without three or four of these bums (homeless) just existing near me. They’re always just sitting there existing in the same world as me. Where do these bums (homeless) get off existing near me? I pay taxes!

3. The women are overweight and/or unhealthy looking…

You know that famous picture from the Vietnam War of that naked girl running away from her burning village? Three of that girl live in my neighborhood! If you have a vagina, you have a responsibility. You need to make sure I want to sex your vagina. That’s on you. How dare you be fat and also have a vagina? Don’t you know that I have a penis? On what are these women basing their self-worth—having fulfilling lives? Hell no! Make more blood be in my penis or kill yourself. And while we’re at it, I have never wanted to have sex with a cloud, so clouds can fuck off, too.

4. …and the few that aren’t look like Mad Max extras.

I’m not going to have sex with an extra! I will only have sex with the following Mad Max actors: Lisa Aldenhoven, Joanne Samuel, the dog.

5. Nobody wants to talk to you…

This one is too sad to make fun of.

6. …and they have nothing interesting to say anyway.

I hitchhiked all the way here from New York and not ONE person has blown me because of it! Who doesn’t want to blow a hitchhiker? I am Marco Polo, traveling from the east, my caravan laden with exotic, fragrant stories to peddle in exchange for hot, wet mouth action BUT NOBODY IS BUYING!!! How many unconventional means of conveyance do I have to employ before people will stop caring whether or not I’m an interesting person and just get to blowing me? Keep Portland Weird? More like Keep Portland Not Blowing Me Because I Hitchhiked Super Far, if you ask me.

24 replies on “Portland As Fuck”

  1. Ian-Is one of the actresses you mentioned the blonde with the top-knot hairdo from The Road Warrior? The one making eyes at Bruce Spence? Because I have always had a thing for her.

  5. I might have missed the original article if you hadn’t translated here it for us. Fortunately I typed away and found it- Amazing! And the website it came from? Well let me just say that all of my insane, truly monstrous ideas and feelings about women and the world aren’t just all in my head- No, actually it turns out, there’s others out there who ALSO fervently guard their masculinity with Gollum-like ferocity!!! Well, I’d add more, but I’ve got to get my swole on before I head out tonight in search of some ‘bangs.
    -Lates

  6. I am offended when homeless exist near me when I lived in Portland, there is really a sheer abundance. It is really sad and its a shame that this city has a problem like this. It detracts from the quality and gives a bad impression to visitors. My now current wife was visiting Portland with me a few years back, she is from the south and was shocked with how many people sleep in doorways in businesses. I don’t think its something that can be taken sarcastically and to blame others for being offended by their inability to rise to the level of society so many share is offensive to me. I know that the blogger that wrote the original article may not be solid in his opinions but an article like this is much more childish.

  7. “I am offended when homeless exist near me” is maybe the worst phrase that’s ever been written in Blogtown comment history—and you people spew some GARBAGE.

  9. @iceprez, indeed it is. @Allison, did you read Kyle’s entire comment? I don’t have a problem with the piece as I understand it is intended humerously

  11. @showstopper… I did! i got lost in a sea of double-negatives so I may have misunderstood this part, if anyone wants to diagram this for me:

    “I don’t think its something that can be taken sarcastically and to blame others for being offended by their inability to rise to the level of society so many share is offensive to me.”

  12. I’ve copied this onto a cocktail napkin with a Sharpie and I’m going to shove it into the drawer where I keep my emergency reasons commit suicide. This just migh do it.

  13. “I don’t think its something that can be taken sarcastically…” means that what follows can be taken completely literally. The writer cannot fall back on any claim of sarcasm when people figure out that he’s being a douchebag, like the writer of the original article did.

    “and to blame others for being offended by their inability to rise to the level of society so many share is offensive to me.”

    Basically he thinks it’s perfectly fine to be offended by the existence of homeless people. If you are offended that someone might be offended by homelessness, he is offended by *that*. Basically, he wants to be part of a big giant circle jerk of offense. And he’s completely sincere about that, as he previously disavowed any use of sarcasm.

  17. Men also have a responsibility to womens vaginas. When your penis is swollen and you find a decent vagina to take that swelling away, you mustn’t then hold said penis hostage in an attempt to emotionally abuse that vagina. A broken heart/sexual manipulation is the fastest way to turn a decent pussy into a fat pussy. Not that I would know.

  18. @Allison, I honestly did not really understand that part either, and upon review left that comment after 2 hours of sleep, and I now think his post was dickish

  20. Matt Forney’s problems with Portland women (who are just fuckin’ gorgeous and such beautiful people inside and out) are rooted in that he has a very small penis. VERY SMALL.

    On the homelessness issue: i’ve been there, done that. Squatted a house in SE portland, slept in doorways and parks, and spent a good majority of that time being homeless WORKING a job and traveling the State of Oregon.
    Fuck off if you get offended by seeing people existing that don’t have it as grand as you do. Some of us do it by choice, most of us had no real alternatives or options.
    @Kyle Ruble- Do it better, give that “bum” who is offending your grandiose sensibility a shower, clean clothes and a nice pair of wool socks + $10 for a beer and smokes.

  21. what does the weather have to do with getting beef curtain? or bums for that matter. are they supposed to correlate? I have found that Portland women are the easiest out of anywhere I’ve ever lived. and I have lived in sunnier climes, where the indigent and feeble of mind are caged and exported like so many Zimbabwean baby elephants. the naturally beautiful may be an uncommon sight where you tend to scurry, but with some common sense and an affection for stereotypes one will find flocks of fuckables (in both physique and eagerness). I am no Adonis but my one-eyed chinaman wants for nothing here. I can’t refute the other points as they are simply
    undeniable endemic flaws in our Portland women.. and men.

  22. I moved from Cali years ago here and I still can’t relate to some of the Portland wierd’ness’s’s’s’s’….. When the ground gets wet, or the sun shines, Portlandars SLOW down on the freeway. When hwy 205 goes a LITTLE zig zag like the “curves” right around johnson creek and foster, people slow down to 30 mph as if they cannot handle either the change in route or the slight wheel turning. Also, when there is a law stating no-one can use phones while driving, why are all the lawyers and such still doing it? (everyone still does it) And to spend money on bike paths instead of potholes? who pays for the roads? who pays for the bike paths. (same people twice, bicyclist’s once) When you take for instance, Burnside and make it illegal to park your car on the street during one way rush hour then do it the other direction later on…. for real??? I nearly wiped out my car when I arrived here! And I am a very cautious driver. Why not make the 4 lane road this… curb parking space, then a painted bike lane, then the traffic lane then the same on the other side. done deal, this way bike road hogs follow the lanes like I do. (nothing worse than someone who either drives or rides a bike and doesn’t have lights on or uses thier turn signals and swerves all over the place cutting people off. What a@@holes! Also, if the cops want to enforce the “LAW”, then they should read-up. Anyone who places a cover or covering to cover ANY part of the licence place must be cited. Have you even NOT seen a licence plate thats plastic and weathered so bad you can’t read it? Also, the FU@KING window tinting! I remember in the 80’s you got it tinted, you get a ticket. Today, the people have all the windows so black you can’t see the a@@holes face who just drove 100 mph past you, but you caught up with him at the next light. I would hate this to happen… “Sorry Officer, I did not see the guy who shot and robbed the bank teller, since I could not see the person driving since his windows were too blackened” (grounds for case dismissal) As far as the “medical marijuana”, my wife were for it until I hired a man and he used my business to make, sell and distribute his. He gave my customers discounts and pocketed falsified invoices. He to this day still believes that the medical marijuana card was his ticket to being a legalized drug dealer. After that, Sorry. Where are the lawyers and doctors with short hair and professional looking attempting to pass these laws? Why are they all hippies from the 70’s pretending to be something they aren’t. The women wear mu-mu’s and have frizzed out grey hair…. hmm HIPPY…. the guys have long hair, also grey and drive a crappy car or used up 1970’s toyota pick-up.. again.. HIPPY

    If the marijuana initiative was to be ok’s, then keep it in your own house and keep quiet about it! I tired of hearing about it!!!!!!!

  23. One last thing,… if the women have shaven legs and arm pits, then they ARE taking care of themselves! I do find that the Portland women are really open and maybe are fed up with all the males “lies” to get to the “spot”

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