THE IDEA that the people of Portland lack ambition is a filthy fucking lie and I will walk—UP A HILL, WITH A BACKPACK FULL OF JOB APPLICATIONS—to spit in the goateed face of the bumbaclot who started this scurrilous rumor (scurrilous is a fun word, huh?). It’s an old, tired stereotype. I don’t know if it was ever true, it might have happened when I was learning Hebrew back in 1997, but it certainly doesn’t fit the reality of what’s happening in this city right now. By the way, it isn’t that funny either—even someone’s dad folding a pile of Lee Dungarees before church thinks it’s hack to call Portlanders unambitious.

There is a deficit of a certain kind of ambition, I suppose. There are only two Fortune 500 companies in the Portland area. Phoenix has double that! Doesn’t that sound better? Being Phoenix? Rooting for the Diamondbacks and giving a fuck about Barry Goldwater all day… Phoenix! Perhaps we lack that certain specific ambition, but don’t get it twisted−Portland is ambitious as a motherfucker.

It takes ambition to leave behind a steady job and launch a food cart on 82nd Avenue. It takes ambition to sell your car and bike to work every single sopping wet day. It takes ambition to open up yet another store that seems to sell only socks and fake mustaches and terrifying latex horse masks—EVEN THOUGH a store that sold the exact same thing just went out of business in that same location. I mean that last one may lack forethought, but it does not lack ambition. These are only examples that traffic in the lackadaisical, packaged-for-eye-rolling, delivered-with-a-jack-off-pantomime (too many dashes, probably) notions of Portland as a city. This is an actual city. You may find yourself staring at the “Nerdy Chicks Rule” bumper sticker, but please don’t forget it’s attached to a large automobile. When I was growing up, everyone’s dad worked at Intel. You know what their mom did? Worked at Intel. You know what their kids do? Improv or some shit, right? Who gives a fuck if they DO do improv? I know people who make a living teaching and performing improv, and I don’t know Wayne Brady or Ryan Stiles.

Frankly, if it’s your ambition to do improv then you don’t need to make a living doing it. You don’t need to make a living brewing beer or writing or drawing webcomics or whatever it is. I mean, you do need to make a living, but if your ambition is to be happy—and for you being happy is paying your bills, loving yourself, and welding bike parts together with the intention of jousting from aforementioned welded bike parts, then don’t let any motherfucker tell you that you aren’t ambitious! You don’t have time for that kind of talk, that shit needs a sidecar and you have work in the morning. @IanKarmel

20 replies on “Portland as Fuck”

  2. Ian, I love you too, but were you high when you wrote this:

    “even someone’s dad folding a pile of Lee Dungarees before church”?

    Huh? Also, how high were you?

  4. Portland is very ambitious. Do you know how much effort goes into dressing up as Waldo? Let alone finding him?

  7. I was completely sober when I wrote this, but I do smoke a decent amount of pot.

    The dad folding Lee dungarees before church is the person most likely to tell you some dumb joke, and even HE thinks its a dumb joke to call Portland unambitious.

  8. ^^^If you gots to explain a joke its a hack joke.
    Why do I still need to tell you this Ian?
    Here’s how unambitious P-town is: Some guy who’s biggest claim to fame is being an extra on portlandia feels the need to self appoint himself as Town Crier.

    Note to Clowntown- you will cease and desist from your frantic spray pissing on karmel. Thats my job.

  10. @I’mrightyerwrong… i believe his rather sad diatribe is directed towards me. Must be difficult not having a life or grasp on sanity, eh “Clowntown”?

  12. Thank God I don’t have to give a fuck about Barry Goldwater all day. But I do have to give a fuck about fluoride all day. Hey, what have you done? Now my wife says “That shit needs a sidecar” whenever I say something profound. She also says I should be more ambitious like you. Curse you, Ian! You win again….BTW, you learned Hebrew in 1997, I learned Hebrew in 1967. I can tell you right now that that shit is not going to stick.

  14. I’m reading Rick Perlstein’s “Before the Storm: Barry Goldwater and the Unmaking of the American Consensus.” Coincidence? I Think So!

    But I appreciate what you’re saying with this one, Ian. I keep trying to say more or less This whenever anyone starts up with the whole “where young people come to retire” bullshit. I remind them: it’s not a great place to find a job, but it is a great place to start a business. And the reason all the resta these people move here all the time is that it’s genuinely pleasant to live here. We specifically made it that way for you.

    Quality of Life is actually worth considering, believe it or not.

  16. and one more thing. karmel: just being fat doesn’t make you funny. In fact fat people are even less funny when they are not funny. Know what im saying?

  19. Where is the bike jousting league in this town and how do I sign up? On a side note, me and a friend make delicious ganja beer which pisses on both OLCC regs AND OMMP regs. How’s that for ambition?

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