I ALMOST BOUGHT a $9 greeting card the other day. Nine American dollars. The only way to justify charging $9 for a greeting card is if it comes with $6. If I were making minimum wage in Oregon, it would take me an hour of work to afford that greeting card. AN EIGHTH OF MY WORKDAY WOULD BE DEVOTED TO AFFORDING THAT FUCKING CARD. There wasn’t anything special about this greeting card, either. There was a construction-paper bird on it, evoking whatever sense of free-spirited whimsy a bird is supposed to evoke, looking blissfully unaware that it was all part of some vicious plot to get someone to buy a greeting card that cost as much as 21.6 inches of Subway sandwich.

I’ve spent the last however-long-I’ve-been-alive just buying greeting cards because the practice was handed down to me by my very-considerate parents. I didn’t question the custom back when I had no concept of how much money adults had, I just bought greeting cards because my mom always bought greetings cards, like how you feel when you meet a religious child. Well you fucking blew it, Papyrus. Nobody needs a $9 greeting card, and you know what, nobody needs a greeting card at all. Nobody has ever needed a greeting card. As far as I can tell, a greeting card is good for three things.

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1. HOLDING MONEY: When I was a kid, every time I got a card I would open it up, check to see if there was money inside, and then pretend to read the card for as long as it took to convince people that I wasn’t just some typical kid, but a deep, almost eerily placid child who appreciated a warm turn of phrase far more than the Magic cards I was going to buy with the money that I didn’t even notice until it fell out of the card, what beautiful paper stock! Thank you, Karen! When you get a card with a $15 check in it, there’s a moment where you think, “You could have just given me an $18 check and saved the card.” The only problem with that is, an envelope with money in it is so impersonal, which brings us to…

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2. GREETING CARDS LET YOU CO-OPT SOMEONE ELSE’S FEELINGS: Hell yeah! This card has some flowery message, and then I can just sign my name at the bottom of this message, and then that message is from me! I know it seems nice, but it’s all a charade. You think you’re the only one who spent four minutes in a Safeway on the way to the party picking out a card that was either sweet enough to pass off as considerate or ridiculous enough to pass off as a joke you spent time thinking about? If you insist on buying something to stand in for your feelings, buy them a comic book instead of a card, it costs the same and it mighty actually get used. Buy them a pack of gum and stick it to their present, everybody likes gum. Or! Sit down and write a fucking letter. It doesn’t have to be long, but your grandma would probably appreciate a heart-felt message, however short, to the Ziggy card you bought her because she probably likes Ziggy because she was born before Negro League Baseball existed. But of course, there is that third reason greeting cards exist…

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3. JUST KIDDING, THERE AREN’T EVEN THREE REASONS: Fuck greeting cards!

12 replies on “Portland as Fuck”

  2. I love greeting cards and if I knew where you lived I’d send you a $9 greeting card AND bill you for it! Guess that’ll show you!

  4. I just take greeting cards other people send me and use a post it note to write my message to the next person. This is portland, reuse people.

  5. Man! I had this same problem the other day. Target’s Mother’s Day cards have the highest mark-up I’ve ever seen, and I will not stand for it! I know for a fact that moms don’t give a shit about cards as long as you say “I love you” and “Thanks for getting Nickelodeon” and maybe draw a flower on the front of a scrap piece of printer paper.

  6. We all know they are bullshit yet we flock to the greeting card isle on (insert holiday/occasion here) and buy one, sign it and hand it over like we are a hero. In reality most times we rather not bother with it.

    I actually had this conversation with my wife last year; and we stopped buying each other cards. Sure I will get her flowers here and there (occasion or not) but forgo the card. They ALL wind up in the recycle bin anyways.

    Now if only I can convince my Mom…

  7. My grandparents always guilt-tripped me and especially my younger brother for not sending greeting cards. It always made me feel bad because they did give us substantial sums of money, but every time I walk near the greeting card section my brain shuts down every organ in my body that isn’t 100% vital to my being.

    Fuck greeting cards. My greatest hope for the future is that as young people get older we all collectively say “fuck you” to the stupid wastes of paper and instead text like human beings.

  9. Not liking greeting cards isn’t Portland as Fuck, though. We love greeting cards. We’re all about art that a fifth grader can do. Especially now with the art tax

  10. My life would be easier if the apology section in the greeting card aisle was extended to include “I’m sorry I don’t like Mad Men, but hopefully we can still sleep together” and “My biggest apologies for hating your vegan muffins and absolutely loving dairy”.

  11. Aren’t greeting cards 99 cents at Trader Joe’s? Trouble is you can only send them to people who don’t know that Trader Joe’s sells greeting cards for 99 cents, or you seem like a cheap-ass punk.

  12. You know what’s Portland As Fuck? Come to the IPRC and letterpress your own fucking greeting cards. THAT’S Portland As fuck.

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