Hi everybody, and welcome to this Very Special Trash Report! For the uninitiated, the Trash Report is my weekly column where I make jokes about silly things that happen in the news and gossip. I’m going to do that for this print issue, but about ~ART~ which I’m highly qualified to do, in that I was offered the space, and I said yes. Let’s get this art-y started, shall we?

Airports, but Make Them Art

People are losing their damn minds over the new roof at PDX. This is a dramatic vibe shift for an airport that has for years been known for its beloved (but let’s be real, tacky) carpet. I, for one, like that going forward we will have a choice of whether to post our braggy travel selfie with the carpet or the ceiling. Face bloated from a flight? Shoe time. Nailed the eyeliner on your way to devastate an ex? Give us the face. (I’m also glad that we might move away from the foot pics because I’m sad knowing how many of you freaks will walk into an airplane bathroom in open-toed shoes. You’re worth more than that!) Portland International Airport’s glow-up will also serve as a great flex at the haters who think our town is a flaming garbage pile. You want to come out here and talk shit? Good luck doing that under all that architectural majesty.

Art, but Make It Financially Sustainable

Beloved Portland drag bar Darcelle’s is facing some pretty dire circumstances due to increasing costs and decreasing patronage. The situation has gone so far as to attract the attention of RuPaul’s Drag Race stars, who told the crowd at a recent show to get thine asses down there. And who are we to make any of RuPaul’s Drag Race stars upset? If any single one of them were to suggest that I must sashay away, I’d sashay straight into the sea. Let’s make the mothers proud and support queer spaces!

Destruction of Public Property, but Make It Art

The state of Oregon recently spent $20 million on cleaning graffiti and trash off I-84, leaving behind a gorgeously blank canvas that was immediately tagged again. Not really sure what they were expecting. And isn’t there other stuff to clean? If someone has a pressure washer and too much time on their hands, I’ve got a patio that could use some attention. Meanwhile in London, elusive street artist Banksy has been running a rapid-fire release of new murals across the city. And you know, maybe our problem is that we’re not appreciating graffiti as the public art that it is. After all, who is Banksy if not some guy with spray paint and a vision? He paints elephants on windows, alluding to the struggle for survival and erasure of wild spaces in the modern industrialized city; there’s someone in Portland who writes “PenisGirl” on stop signs. Art is subjective by nature.

Keep P-art-land Weird

September at Oaks Park will boast the first (annual?) Portland Weird Fest. Though details on the press release are vague, I’m getting a strong vibe of masks and bubbles. I’m envisioning taking my child and then steampunk becomes her entire personality and she’ll beg me to let her abandon her prestigious gymnastics classes to learn like, tarot, or stilts or some shit. To be clear: this is not criticism! I welcome our weird overloads. 

Then in October, legendary rapper Killer Mike is coming to town to perform with none other than the freakin’ Oregon Symphony and I. Love. It. The Symphony has done a lot of cool mash-ups over the years – I watched Jurassic Park with their live accompaniment a while back and believe me when I tell you that watching a guy getting bit in half on the toilet has never felt classier. 

Olympics, but Make It Art

Now that the Paris Olympics games have wrapped (😢) we can turn our focus to the next summer games which will be held just down the street in Los Angeles. Did you know that the mascot of the Paris Games was a weird blob that looked like a beret fucked a triangle and their baby was drunk? Apparently it was a nod to the famous hats (not berets) worn by French revolutionaries. I always forget that mascots are a component of hosting the Olympics and now my every waking moment will be spent thinking of what LA’s should be. What if it’s a palm tree but his rent just went up 400% so he drives for Uber Eats between auditions? What if they anthropomorphize all the letters of the Hollywood sign and they’re all in a polyamorous relationship? What if it’s one of the old mastodons from the La Brea tar pits, but yassified? A surfboard wearing sunglasses carrying an iced coffee and a screenplay and we get the sense that it’s stuck in traffic? [Elinor wrote approximately 40 other ideas here but we had to cut them for brevity and because they were… not great. -eds.]

Taxes, but Make Them for Art

Now that we’ve spent all these words together and my arts bona fides have been firmly established, I need to make a confession: I have not been consistently paying my Portland Arts Tax. This is not on purpose! I’m a big government leftist—I love taxes! I value this city’s art scene! I’m a writer, which means I literally am an artist! But I’m also a millennial, and everything I do is on autopay, and sending me a bill in the mail is about as useful as whispering it to me in a dream. But the city just sent me another notice—could be the second, could be the 20th—that I’m about to be in some deep shit if I don’t find my checkbook and make things right. This is a public service announcement to anyone else who has received those pesky notices, and thought “$35 is not very much, I can pay that, but really, would they miss it if I don’t?” The answer is yes, they will find you, and also it’s the right thing to do.

Many thanks to all of you for reading and for doing all that you do to support Portland’s art and artists. And remember, that trash can be art (case in point!) but no art is trash. 

Mwah,