Hey venomous funnel-web spider! Ooh, girl, your hair is a hot MESS! You are NOT going out on the web looking like that, are you? Oh, hell-to-the-no-.org! Sit your ass down. No? Fine, then I’ll hold you down with this pair of tweezers and a rubber band! Now where’s my paintbrush? (And after I’m done with this, don’t even think about crawling away! We’re putting your ass on the Jenny Craig!)



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Bang bang, choo-choo train, let me see you shake that thang. Wm. Steven Humphrey is the editor-in-chief of the Portland Mercury and has held the job since 2000. (So don’t get any funny ideas.)

4 replies on “Today’s Tip for Grooming Your Venomous Spider”

  3. What is the line between firmly holding your spider down and accidentally crushing him/her to death? I fear I would CRUSH. And then cry. This is why I don’t have a pet.

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