There are a few things not invited back to this summer (fashion wise) and one of them is HATS. Look, there is absolutely NO REASON to wear a hat in Portland. It’s never hot enough to warrant one, and when you signed up to join the rest of us here, you made a solemn vow to never cover your head with ANYTHING. Especially when it’s raining.
Anyway, I’m really sick of people wearing those dumb Frank Sinatra hats, and as a general rule, you should never buy or wear anything that can be purchased at a kiosk in the Lloyd Center mall. Don’t believe me? Here are some pictures of you wearing stupid hats, so you can see how stupid you look in them.

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Nice hat, stupid! (And for that leather jacket, you get extra stupid points.)

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Jesus Christ. Are ya stupid? I think you just may be!

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Fuck YOU, stupid!

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Actually, she looks pretty. Pretty fucking stupid!!

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Hey baby! You look stupid in your stupid fucking hat, stupid!

Don’t want to look fucking stupid? Read MOD.

Bang bang, choo-choo train, let me see you shake that thang. Wm. Steven Humphrey is the editor-in-chief of the Portland Mercury and has held the job since 2000. (So don’t get any funny ideas.)

20 replies on “Your Stupid Hat and You”

  2. Send us a picture of you in your hat, and we’ll let Portland vote on whether it’s stupid or not. (I already know how I’m voting.)

  5. Hats are stupid. You failed to mention the “newsboy” caps. Is this the depression? Are you a newsie? Why do your pants only come down to your calf?

    However, does this include the “lazy-ass, haven’t taken a shower today, so I’m cramming on a baseball cap over my jacked up hair” hat?

    Worse than hats are those gross distended earlobes. Can you call an end to that? I feel pretty bad for those poor suckers once that trend dries up. Though not as bad as I feel for those with facial tattoos.

  6. Uhh snow days were way worse. Every smelly wool hat came out of a closet and onto an unwashed Portland head. It was gross.

    Note to Portlanders: that funny wool hat that you donned at the first hint of a snowflake, you know the one with the stupid ball/tassel that you knitted yourself from hemp wool…FUGLY AND SMELLY!!

  7. Jesus. Who put a hemorrhoid pillow on that baby’s head?

    Abusive has a very good point there. I would pay good money to keep those people, and their clothes, away from me.

  8. I just assume that most guys who wear hats are trying to hide a bald spot.

    And any guy who wears a FUCKING BASEBALL CAP after dark should be sterilized on site.

  10. Amen, Wm. I’ve never experienced a city that seemed to be collectively shouting, “Let’s all express our individualism by wearing hats that are unlike every other hat. Hats Hats Hats!”

    Can we also declare a fatwa on mustaches?

    On all douchey facial hair in general?

  13. Can I cover my head with a bicycle helmet? It isn’t technically a hat, but it is a head covering…

    Or is that a stupid question? *Sniff, Sniff*

  16. I like my wool newsie and felt fedora. Fucking too cool for school pseudo- hipsters Go back to whining that there’s no fucking White Castle here.

  17. “Don’t want to look fucking stupid? Read MOD.”

    Sorry, but, using the Mod blog as a fashion guide will lead to a big fail. This town seems to have no idea… except when it comes to kitsch or looking homeless on purpose. Might help to have writers with some taste? Is there anyone in this town with taste?

  18. No. We put the people with taste on the B-ship and sent them out ahead to make sure the telephones were clean when we got there…

  19. ooh ooh! What about the crazy guy with the Witches hat on the MAX all winter long- a witches hat- THAT WAS HAND CROCHETED!!! most ridiculous HAT I’ve ever seen. ever.

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