You and everyone you know will die. Thinking about our mortality can be terrifying, which is probably why weâre so averse to discussing the objective realities of death.
If youâre reading this, you probably live in Portland. Maybe youâve lived here your whole life, and have already experienced the passing of someone close. Or maybe youâre like me, a transplant who often lingers on thoughts about what, exactly, would happen if I or someone I care about died right now. Like, right this minute.
Conceptualizing death might be a lot less stressful if we talked about the factsâwhere bodies go, the different ways they can be laid to rest, how much it all costs. So hereâs a step-by-step guide to what happens when you die in Portland.
PART I: YOUR DEATH
âAll our times have come
Here but now theyâre gone
Seasons donât fear the reaper
Nor do the wind, the sun, or the rain
We can be like they are
Come on baby, donât fear the reaper
-Blue Ăyster Cult, âDonât Fear the Reaperâ
WHERE YOUâLL DIE
According to the Stanford School of Medicine, although 80 percent of Americans would prefer to die at home, â60 percent of Americans die in acute care hospitals, 20 percent in nursing homes, and only 20 percent at home.â Unless weâre all consumed in a nuclear holocaust or swept away by that gnarly earthquake/tsunami combo, odds are youâll die in a hospital.
Thereâs at least one in every quadrant of Portland: Northwest has Legacy Good Samaritan, Southwest has the Oregon Health and Science University Hospital (along with the Portland VA Hospital and Doernbecher Childrenâs Hospital), Northeast has Legacy Emanuel Medical Center and Providence Medical Center, and Southeast has Adventist Medical Center and Providence Milwaukie Hospital (not technically Portland proper, but death knows no borders). You could drop dead anytime and anyplace, but if you have a medical event or an accident requiring acute medical careâperhaps youâll choke on a grape while picnicking in Laurelhurst Park, or get sideswiped riding your bike on Cesar Chavezâsomeone will call the paramedics (I mean, hopefully), and youâll be taken to the hospital.
Following accidents, murders, suicides, overdoses, death from contagions, and on-the-job expirationâbasically any death that occurred under suspicious or unknown circumstancesâan autopsy is required so law enforcement can figure out what the heck happened. If they need to do one, youâll be sent to the State Medical Examiner. Thereâs no fee for the investigation, but there might be a charge to transport the body to and from the Medical Examinerâs office.
THE DEATH WITH DIGNITY ACT
In 1997 Oregon passed the Death with Dignity Act, which gives terminally ill Oregonians the option to end their lives via voluntary self-administration of a life-ending pharmaceutical prescribed by a doctor. This physician-assisted suicide isnât legal in every state, and there are tons of rules: Patients must be 18 years or older and suffering a terminal disease with six months or less to live. They also have to be able to self-administer the drugs. There are a lot of logistical hoops to jump through, but itâs an option. According to the stateâs 2016 report, of the 133 people who died via physician-assisted suicide in Oregon last year, most were cancer patients aged 65 years or older. Costs for the prescription fluctuate all the time, but they can range from a few hundred to a few thousand dollars. If you were terminally ill, this route would allow you some agency with where you die. (95 percent of patients choose to self-administer the drugs at home.)
PART II: MORTUARIES, FUNERAL HOMES, AND CREMATORIUMSâOH MY!
Once youâre given a cause of death, your next of kin will be advised to begin making the âfinal arrangements,â which refers to postmortem paperwork (the death certificate and any permits that the disposal of your remains might require), funeral or memorial services, and your âfinal dispositionââput simply, how youâre gonna get rid of the body. Final disposition includes cremation, burial, interment, or authorized transportation to another state.
Thereâs a chain of priority for which family members have the legal right to control final disposition, but if thereâs a particular friend or relative youâd like to be in charge, you can appoint them (with the help of a licensed funeral service practitioner) while youâre still alive. This isnât automatically granted to the executor of your will or whomever has power of attorney.
Dead bodies are generally taken to a crematorium, mortuary, or funeral home. Crematoriums solely deal with cremation, but the difference between mortuaries and funeral homes is subtler. They both can help with the paperwork, but mortuaries are focused on the physical aspects of final disposition. Mortuaries offer on-site cremation, while many funeral homes have off-site cremation chambers or send bodies to mortuaries/crematoriums. There are a few full-service funeral homes (like Riverview Abbey in Southwest Portland) that have on-site embalming and cremation, but theyâre rare.
Funeral homes are like the gentle middlemen between your next of kin and the grim reaper. Services vary with each business, but most can help with paperwork, corpse transportation (since buckling someone into the backseat isnât really an optionâa funeral service practitioner must direct the removal and transport of remains) embalming, off-site cremation, coordination of burial and memorial services, and purchasing options for urns and caskets.
All licensed death care facilities in Oregon are mandated by law to give you their General Price List (GPL) for these expenses before discussing any final arrangements. That means if you ask for the GPL over the phone, theyâre required to read it to you. Shop around! Call multiple places, not just the one thatâs closestâyou definitely shouldnât feel trapped into paying thousands of dollars you donât want to or simply canât afford to spend. Fair warning: Some of these places have cheesy â80s hold music and prerecorded condolence messages. And a lot of funeral homes are open 24/7, since people die... 24/7.
GUESSTIMATING THE COST OF DEATH
I called eight Portland funeral homes and asked for their GPLs to find out the price range for two cheap, common methods of final disposition: direct cremation and immediate burial (which doesnât include visitation, a ceremony, or a graveside serviceâthe body just goes straight into the ground). I chose to focus on no-frills, Ă la carte services rather than package deals or funeral/memorial ceremonies, since those vary widely with each funeral home and personal preference. There are various fees that can be added on top of these numbers, like if the body is over a certain weight. Note that these prices donât include state filing fees for the death certificate, but do include the funeral homeâs basic services fee and removal/transportation of the corpse. Also, these prices are subject to changeâtheyâre just ballpark figures.
DIRECT CREMATION (WITH ALTERNATIVE CARDBOARD CONTAINER): Average: $1,313 | Range: $595-1,899
IMMEDIATE BURIAL (EXCLUDES COST OF CASKET, EMBALMING, AND CEMETERY PLOT): Average: $1,620 | Range: $710-2,135
THE DEATH CERTIFICATE
Bureaucracy, manâyou even need paperwork to die. In Oregon, your next of kin must file a death certificate within five days of your death and before your final disposition. The death certificate costs $25, and $20 for each additional copy. Whoever is in charge will probably need multiple certified copies to claim any of your property or benefits.
CORPORATE VS. FAMILY-OWNED FUNERAL HOMES
If youâve ever watched Six Feet Under, youâre probably hungry for some dirt on the tension between corporate and family-owned funeral homes. In 2014, Forbes reported that the American funeral industry generates around $20 billion annually. (That statistic is three years old, but people havenât stopped dying, so itâs probably close.) Funeral homes are just like any other for-profit businessâbig companies often create national chains that have the potential to displace local, family-owned operations. Or, corporations buy family-owned funeral homes and keep their names to avoid sounding like the McDonaldâs of death. But itâs best to see every funeral home, corporate or family-run, for what it is: a business. Most people arenât evil (I think), so they probably arenât trying to profit off of pain. But do the same amount of research you would before making any major purchase; know your rights and whatâs reasonable price-wise, so you donât wake up from your grief hangover and realize you spent all your savings on an $8,000 casket.
YOUR RIGHTS UNDER THE FUNERAL RULE
When dealing with funeral homes, youâre always protected by the Funeral Rule, which is enforced by the Federal Trade Commission and guarantees that âYou have the right to buy separate goods (such as caskets) and services (such as embalming or a memorial service). You do not have to accept a package that may include items you do not want.â It also protects your right to ask for that GPL without giving the funeral home your name, address, or telephone number. Cemeteries are not regulated by the FTC, so the Funeral Rule does not apply, but they generally provide price lists. The Funeral Consumers Alliance is a great resource if you arenât sure what your rights are when youâre planning a funeral, or if you experience an issue with a death care provider. The Oregon Mortuary and Cemetery Board is a regulatory board that licenses death care providers and the facilities where they work. The Board doesnât regulate death industry prices, but if you have a complaint against âa funeral director, embalmer, preneed salesperson, death care consultant, funeral home, cemetery, or crematoryâ in the state, they first recommend attempting to resolve the issue with the facility, but consumers are also welcome to call the Board office to discuss their experience. Theyâll only investigate a complaint with sufficient evidence, so donât start unprovable beefs.
VENMO FROM BEYOND THE VEIL
Cameron Holmes, the General Manager/Funeral Director of Holmanâs Funeral and Cremation Service, estimates that one-third to one-half of his customers make prearranged plans for their final disposition. Planning and prepaying for your own funeral ensures that any specific wishes you haveâfor instance, to be buried in a hot-pink coffin with your tongue out and hands positioned in the ârock and rollâ gestureâwill be honored, and that your loved ones wonât have to foot the bill. Some life insurance policies cover funeral expenses, but you could also open a funeral trust account, which stipulates your requested services and holds your money so no one can touch it until you die. You could also just give money to your next of kin with a list of demands, unless you donât completely trust them (understandable). You can set up funeral trust accounts with funeral homes or banks, but the State of Oregonâs Division of Financial Regulation warns that there are âunscrupulous con artists who sell overpriced plans or just take your money. Ask to see a valid business license.â
DIY DEATH CARE
You do not need to use a funeral home. According to Chad Dresselhaus, the Education & Compliance Program Manager at the Oregon Mortuary and Cemetery Board, state law allows a relative or friend of the deceased to perform the duties of a funeral service practitioner, but they must be unpaid and must follow all laws âfor the care and handling of the decedentâs remains, completing paperwork, receiving a transport permit, and for arranging final disposition.â He says anyone interested in acting as a funeral service practitioner for an upcoming death should contact Oregon Vital Records.
PART III: THE FINAL DISPOSITION
There are so many ways to (legally) get rid of a body. It can be buried in the ground old-school style or organic vegetable-style. It can be cremated, and then scattered into the wind The Big Lebowski style. Your urn can be buried underground, or placed atop your kidâs mantel so they know youâre always watching. You can donate your body to science, if you want to help medical schools weed out prospective doctors based on their tolerance for real-life blood and guts. You can be buried at sea, or launched into deep space. Most people opt for ground burial or cremation, and according to the National Funeral Directors Association, in 2015 Americaâs rate of cremation surpassed that of burial. That same year, the Cremation Association of North America notes that Oregonâs cremation rate was more than 71 percent. Overall cost for your final disposition depends on the services picked by you or your next of kin, the casket and vault or urn, and the automotive equipment you utilize for transportation.
OREGONâS INDIGENT DISPOSITION PROGRAM
Oregon law describes an âindigentâ as someone who died without an insurance policy covering the disposition of their body and who didnât have relatives with the legal right or will to direct and pay for the deceasedâs disposition. Letâs get real: Most people do not have an insurance policy covering postmortem arrangements. But if your next of kin cannot afford even the cheapest option for final disposition, the state will consider you an âindigentâ (except for veteransâveterans and their spouses are eligible to be buried at Portlandâs Willamette National Cemetery free of charge).
This troubling predicament has always existed; the unclaimed used to be laid to rest in potterâs fields and mass graves. But if you die in Oregon in 2017 and no one claims your body for 10 days (a period wherein the funeral establishment attempts to contact any surviving relatives), they can transfer it to one of the approved education or research organizations listed by Oregonâs Mortuary and Cemetery Board. If the body is not desired by any of these organizations, the funeral establishment can bury or cremate using the cheapest possible method, and the Oregon Mortuary and Cemetery Board will provide a modest reimbursement.
Because the Indigent Disposition Program doesnât track where the deceased lived before their death, the Oregon Mortuary and Cemetery Board was unable to provide the Mercury with an exact count of how many Portland residents were deemed âindigentâ last year. However, they do know that Portland funeral homes were reimbursed for 100 indigent body claims in 2016 (although those bodies couldâve been picked up from somewhere else). That number was almost double for the entire Metro area.
DONATE YOUR BODY TO SCIENCE
If you like science, consider donating yourself to the OHSU Body Donation Program, which has supported anatomical instruction for medical students since 1976.
âOn average, we will have between 100 and 150 donors per year coming into the program,â says William Cameron, Ph.D., Executive Director and OHSU Body Donation Program Demonstrator of Anatomy. âWe have a special contract or agreement that we enter into with the donor prior to death or with their family after their loved one has succumbed, and that is basically [about] whole body donation being quite different than the âDâ on the driverâs license.â
You can make arrangements with OHSU before you die, or your family can donate your body after your death. Itâs free to participate in the program, but donors living outside of the Portland Metro area are charged a transportation fee.
You can be any age to donate, but Cameron says most donors are octogenarians. You must weigh between 100 and 200 pounds, and they wonât accept anyone who died from communicable diseases. The body cannot have suffered extensive trauma (that includes unhealed surgery) or undergone advanced decomposition. One more catch: You canât be an organ donor and donate your body.
People need organ transplants, so thatâs always the highest priority. But you canât overextend your body: âIf it is a full tissue procurement, that person is not qualified for our program,â Cameron says. âWeâre such a small percentage of the overall deaths in the state, though, that we donât think the donors that we get negatively impact Donate Life Northwest or live transplant folks from having access to tissue.â
Thereâs an outside time of up to three years before families could expect to have the donorâs remains (which are usually cremated) returned to them. âWe make a big point that all of the components of the donor that have been studied are rearticulated, so theyâre all there at the time of cremation,â Cameron says. âSo the family gets a very complete set of cremains.â
OHSUâs Body Donation Program stopped accepting unclaimed bodies from the Indigent Disposition Program in 2008, and now only takes consenting donors into the program. Cameron says this changed after âjust feeling that we owed it to our students and others to take the ethical high road, and being able to tell them that the people theyâre working on wanted to be there and wanted to make this contribution.â Basically, they donât want to study the bodies of people who didnât have any say in how their remains were disposed of, especially due to lack of funds. Thereâs another academic body donation program at the Western University of Health Sciences in Lebanon. Oregon also has two for-profit body donation programs: Medcure and Biogift.
CREMATION
Hereâs a mildly gory description of what happens during cremation: Dead bodies are incinerated inside cremation chambers at about 1800 degrees Fahrenheit. This one- to three-hour process reduces the body to bone fragments, which are pulverized into a few pounds of smooth, whitish cremains.
All-inclusive direct cremation is the simplest and cheapest option for final disposition. The body is picked up, death certificates/permits are filed, the cremation happens, and the ashes are returned to the next of kin in a plastic urn. If this sounds like your style, remember to say the magic words: all-inclusive. That should include the service fee charged by the funeral home, for the help they provide filing the paperwork.
Another important note: You do not need a casket for a cremationâtheyâre required to offer you an âalternative container,â which is basically a heavy cardboard box. You can use a casket for cremation, if you really want to, but note that itâll obviously be more expensive. You also donât have to buy the casket for cremation or ground burial at the funeral home; you can buy one somewhere else and bring it there.
STORING AND SCATTERING ASHES
There are no laws regulating how youâre allowed to store ashes. It makes no difference whether you keep them in a ziplock bag or an urn made in the shape and size of a University of Oregon football helmet. (Yes, those exist.) Youâre allowed to scatter ashes on private land (or with approval of its owners) and in cemetery scattering gardens. Check local regulations and zoning restrictions if you want to scatter ashes on public land, like Forest Park. Itâs also smart to ask permission before scattering ashes on federal landâin the greater Portland area, that means the United States Forest Service land around the Columbia River Gorge and Mount Hood National Forest.
The Environmental Protection Agency issues general permits under the Marine Protection, Research, and Sanctuaries Act for burial of both cremated and non-cremated remains in the ocean. If youâre going to scatter ashes at sea, youâll need this MPRSA permit. The federal Clean Water Act requires that youâre at least three nautical miles from the coast, and you must report the scattering to the EPA within 30 days. There are some charter companies that will boat you out to the legal scattering areas on the Oregon Coast. The EPA prohibits the scattering of ashes on beaches and wading pools, so that scene in The Big Lebowski was definitely illegal. There are also specific regulations for inland bodies of water, so if you wanted your ashes dumped in the Willamette (why) or the Gorge, youâd need a permit from whatever state agency controls the waterway.
SHOOT YOUR ASHES INTO SPACE (LIKE A JERK!)
Thereâs still a lot we donât know about spaceâitâs very vastâwhich is probably why it feels so mystical to fart into the void by shooting our ashes into its infinite, starry horizons. Sure, go ahead and pollute something as untouched as SPACE with the remains of your mortality. There are a few companies (Memorial Spaceflights and Elysium Space, for example) thatâll send your ashes into deep space, or to a permanent resting place on the moon, or into Earthâs orbit, where theyâll eventually re-enter the atmosphere and vaporize like a shooting star. Costs range from about $2,000 to well over $12,000, because itâs expensive to be this annoying.
BURIAL
TRADITIONAL
Traditional burial typically involves embalming, a chemical process where the blood is drained from a body and replaced with chemicals that slow decomposition. Practically, this allows for more time between a death and a funeral service, and itâs been a religious practice for ages. (Mummies!) The embalmed body is then usually put inside a casket, which is encased in a concrete vault (used to maintain the casketâs depth), which is covered by dirt and topped with a headstone or grave marker.
While Oregon law doesnât require embalming, bodies held longer than 24 hours must be embalmed or refrigerated at 36 degrees Fahrenheit or less. No oneâs going to embalm your body without prior consent from your next of kin, but they do have to refrigerate you like any other decomposing meat product. Your relatives can take your body out of refrigeration for six hours at a time if they want to look at you or transport you out of state. But if the journeyâs longer than six hours or you died from a communicable disease, youâve either got to be embalmed or kept in a sealed casket.
NATURAL (âGREENâ)
Modern embalming practices were popularized in America during the Civil War, when the bodies of fallen soldiers could legally only be sent home if they were properly embalmed. Before that, natural burial was the only burial. Bodies were wrapped in a shroud or placed in a container and lowered into a hole in the groundâno vaults, no chemicals, no nothinâ.
Natural burial is coming back in vogue, probably because people are realizing that putting chemical-saturated bodies into the ground isnât great for Earth. Some cemeteries (like Rose City Cemetery in Northeast Portland or River View in Southwest) can accommodate green burials that donât include embalming, an outer burial vault, or casketâbut many wonât allow it, since the ground settles differently above an exposed body or casket if itâs not supported by a vault. If a cemetery does allow green burial, there are often maintenance fees for the extra upkeep.
YOUR DEATH WHIP
Coffin: A hexagonal-shaped box, tapered at the bottom to resemble the shape of the human body. This is Count Draculaâs whip.
Casket: A rectangular, usually wooden container thatâs often lined with cushy fabric for maximum comfort on your passage into the Great Beyond. These often feature airtight seals for body preservation. Some people even purchase durable steel or semi-precious metal caskets to protect against the elements.
Shroud: A simple piece of cloth wrapped around the body.
Mushroom Decomposition Suit: Thereâs a company called Coeio that sells an âInfinity Burial Suitâ made with mushroom spore-infused thread for $1,500. If youâre buried in the suit, mushrooms will grow from your body and slowly digest you. Coeioâs website says the suit âcleanses the body and soil of toxins that would otherwise seep into the environment,â âdelivers nutrients from body to surrounding plant roots efficiently,â and ârestarts life around the body faster than normal.â
CEMETERIES
Portland has cemeteries within city limits that are open to ânew salesâ: To name a few of the bigger ones, thereâs Rose City Cemetery in Northeast, Mount Calvary Catholic Cemetery up by Forest Park, River View Cemetery in Southwest, Columbia Pioneer Cemetery in Parkrose, and my personal favorite, Lone Fir Cemetery, which is Portlandâs second-largest arboretum. Metro operates some of the cityâs historic cemeteries, like Lone Fir, and prices for interment and inurnment can be found on their website. Itâs important to note that these charges are separate from the immediate burial cost at funeral homes.
If you wanted to be buried at Lone Fir, smack dab in the middle of inner Southeast, itâs $2,695 to $4,395 for interment in a casket burial. But then you also have to pay the grave opening and closing fees, which range from $1,175 to $1,725 for adult-sized caskets. And then you have to buy an âouter burial containerâ to avoid damage when the ground settles. Those run from $695 to $1,150. Without adding the cost of a headstone, engraving, memorial services, and funeral home expenses, youâre probably not getting buried in Lone Fir for less than $5,000. These prices obviously vary with each cemetery, but itâs safe to say that most burials will be more expensive than cremation.
Every cemetery has the authority to make rules that dictate many specific details of their property, like what kind of grave markers can be used or whether plants or shrubs are allowed. However, they canât require bodies to be embalmed, unless they have a communicable disease or havenât been properly refrigerated. According to Dresselhaus, âall cemeteries are required to maintain, publish and distribute their Cemetery Rules, which will specify what, if any, requirements a specific cemetery has for the use or prohibition of vaults, markers, etc.â You can request a copy of their Cemetery Rules while youâre perusing.
PRIVATE PROPERTY BURIAL
Oregon law allows burial on private property, but only under certain conditions. You need consent from all of the propertyâs owners, and the local planning commission must confirm (in writing) that youâve met their requirements for land useâthese can include distance from a waterway or depth of burial. If they approve your plans, you must maintain âaccurate, permanent records of the burialâ and disclose the burial if the property is ever sold. Youâll also need to attach a treasure map to the deed so theyâll know where the corpse is located.
BURIAL AT SEA
Viking funerals are NOT ALLOWED. You cannot light a nautical vessel carrying a body aflame and cast it into a municipal waterway. Donât even think about it. Why? Caitlin DoughtyâLA-based mortician, author, and founder of the Order of the Good Deathâsays that regular cremations only work because the body is enclosed in a screaming hot chamber for hours. Merely lighting one on fire will not completely incinerate it, and thus, if you were to illegally conduct a Viking funeral, at some point scorched chunks of flesh would find their way back to shore. ILLEGAL, and for good reason.
However, if you obtain the same MPRSA permit required for scattering ashes in the ocean and follow all of the EPAâs guidelines, you can bury someone at sea. Some of the rules are the same as they are for ash-scattering, but since youâre dealing with an actual body, there are far more stipulations. For instance, you can be buried with or without a casket, but if you donât use one, the EPA recommends âwrapping a natural fiber shroud or sail cloth around the body and adding additional weight, such as a steel chain, to aid in rapid sinking.â
FUNERAL HOME SPOTLIGHT: Holmanâs Funeral and Cremation Service
Founded in 1854 as A.P. Delin & Co., Undertakers, Holmanâs Funeral and Cremation Service is the second oldest continually operating business in Oregon after the Oregonian. Theyâre this stateâs OG death professionals. The first two locations were in present-day downtown, and in 1924 Holmanâs moved to its current address, a mansion that sits next to Safeway on the 2600 block of Hawthorne Boulevard (the mansionâs former owners once hosted Teddy Roosevelt).
Itâs still locally owned and operated, which seems to be a point of pride for one of Portlandâs last family-run funeral homes holding its own in the evolving death industry. And theyâre staying hip with the trends. âWe offer traditional and creative cremation services,â the website reads. âYou can enhance a scattering ceremony with a balloon release, a harpist playing music, or decorate with photographs; whatever is meaningful to you.â
The Holman familyâs last generation was unable to have children. So after Margaret Holmanâs death in 2005, longtime employee and current president Dan Holmes acquired the business. His son CameronâHolmanâs general managerârecently led me on a tour of the fortress-like building. And let me tell you, it was weird.
Thereâs something deeply unsettling about entering a funeral home unattached to any recent death. As soon as I walked up Holmanâs front steps, I realized that outside of writing this article, there were only a few reasons Iâd ever visit: to pre-plan my own final arrangements, to make arrangements for the death of someone I love, or the event of my own death.
At first, Holmanâs appears to be laid out like any other residenceâthereâs a foyer, a living room, and a dining room. But then you notice the irregularitiesâthat the dining room is connected to a chapel, or that cream-colored films cover all of the windows, filtering outside light so itâs soft and muted. On the first floor there are also arrangement rooms where clients can meet with funeral directors.
Former bedrooms are now viewing rooms on the second floor. They have chairs, fireplaces, and casket stands where the beds should be. One room does have a bedâthe slumber room, where bodies are posed as though theyâd died right there, in this bed in Holmanâs. Cameron Holmes told me itâs an old-fashioned custom that very few people request these days. The mansionâs former ballroom dominates the third floor, but now itâs Holmanâs casket showroom. Upon entering, my jaw dropped with shock and macabre delight. Caskets of every variety line the ballroomâs massive perimeterâit looks like a flashy car dealership.
Walking down the hallways of Holmanâs felt like tracing lines over something that hasnât happened yet. But my visit was a reminder: There will always be more. Throughout the tour I swung between existential dread, as I role-played an experience thatâs normally off-limits until a death strikes, and waves of calm, as I emotionally prepared for its arrival.
And thatâs how to die.
