c. 1800 B.C.—Alphabetic writing is first developed in
Egypt.
c. 500 B.C.—Formal education programs begin in Egypt.
Children are taught, provided they survive slave labor and ravenous
crocodiles.
c. 450 B.C.—One of the world’s first
universities, India’s Nalanda University, begins giving degrees to
graduates. Parents immediately start pressuring their children to spend
tens of thousands of rupees for meaningless pieces of paper.
232 B.C.—The world’s first science fair occurs,
again in Egypt. For some reason, every kid’s science project is one of
those stupid-ass pyramids made out of sugar cubes.
211—In China’s Han Dynasty, an “imperial examination
system” is developed to ensure public officials are sufficiently
educated. Eighteen centuries later, George W. Bush is twice elected
president of the United States.
507—Books begin to be copied in monasteries. Lewd
animations of stick figures doin’ it in the margins follow shortly
thereafter.
859—The world’s oldest university, the University of
Al-Karaouine in Fez, Morocco, is established. Its most famous student
goes on to make out with that sort of hot Jackie chick that one time on
That ’70s Show
1600—Throughout Europe, education becomes more common,
thanks to taxes paying for schools.
1601—Rich bastards who don’t realize that children are
our future and we need to teach them well and let them lead the way
start complaining about how high their taxes are.
1785—American townships are required to build public
schools. As metal detectors are not yet invented, they are the most
dangerous places on the planet, and remain so for the next 200
years.
1809—The blackboard is invented. Five minutes later a
penis and two testicles are drawn on it when Mr. Hardine leaves his
second grade class alone for just like two minutes—seriously it’s
like he can’t even go get a glass of water without those goddamn little
shits thinking they’re so goddamn hilarious.
1925—High school teacher John Scopes is put on trail
for teaching evolution. America splits along religious and scientific
lines, with most gradually coming around to science (except for inbred
hillbillies in Kansas, Alabama, and other states no one cares
about).
1986—Rodney Dangerfield’s Back to School is
released. All other movies are declared boring and stupid in
comparison
1998—I don’t go to my senior prom, insisting that it’s
a “bullshit excuse for all the poseurs to go and be popular and
bullshitty, fuck that.” Instead, I cry at home, pondering the very real
possibility of living and dying utterly alone.
2001—Wikipedia goes live, the world’s information
becomes rapidly available to anyone with an internet connection, and
finding negligible facts to stick in these timeline things becomes like
a billion times easier.
2004—At age 82, Rodney Dangerfield dies. His headstone
reads “Rodney Dangerfield—There Goes the Neighborhood.”
2007—You learn some stuff in the Mercury‘s Back
to School Issue. Specifically, that you really, really want to shop at
Macy’s.
2008—Cedric the Entertainer stars in a remake of
Back to School. No, this isn’t some sick joke, check IMDB.com.
2009—I sue Cedric the Entertainer, claiming his name is
false advertising.
2010—Cedric the Occasionally Marginally Entertaining
Celebrity is forced to pay me $28 million for crimes against
humanity/remaking Back to School. I cash the check and throw a
kickass party with The Ghost of Rodney Dangerfield. Oingo Boingo puts
on one hell of a show.
