I WANT TO LEARN how to fight a bear. Sadly, there aren’t bear-fighting classes in Portland (or anywhere, probably), so for this assignment, I opted to learn how to fight a man.

My background in fighting is that I don’t have any. One time I pushed a really drunk guy who was aggressively hitting on me, but I don’t think that counts. However! I’m all about empowerment, and I want to do something so I won’t be pants-peeing scared when walking to my car alone at night. So last Saturday morning I got up early, put on my Notorious R.B.G. tank top, and kissed my boyfriend goodbye. “I’ll be back in a little bit,” I purred, “to murder you.” Then: off to Tigard for Gracie jiu-jitsu!

For you weaklings who may not be familiar, this jiu-jitsu is a Brazilian martial art that teaches leverage over strength so that a small person (like me!) can take down a much larger opponent. This sounded right up my alley. I’m not ripped, but I could probably learn how to balance.

The folks at River City Warrior were happy to entertain my assassin dreams. Owner and instructor Joe Heller was badass, and we quickly got to grappling. Newbies like me were partnered with more advanced class members to practice each move. I got paired with a 12-year-old girl who was approximately my height but had several years of experience. She clearly wasn’t there to play. But even though she was strong, I fought her off pretty good, and was embarrassingly proud of myself.

Once I’d mastered fighting children, I got an adult partner, and my confidence plummeted. We were taught tougher maneuvers and it got a lot harder to break free from an attack. I giggled as we folded ourselves into a pile of arms and legs. “AW IT’S LIKE WE’RE HUGGING!” I choked out. My partner ignored my immaturity and patiently explained how to squeeze her neck to pop off her head. (Popping off heads looks a lot like hugging, FYI.)

While this single class didn’t give me the expertise needed to kill a man with my bare hands, at the very least I know some tricks. Like always work against the thumbs. And if up against a bigger attacker, leverage your tiny body for maximum destruction.

For self-defense, Joe said that the most important thing is spatial awareness. My instinct (and that of many women) is to look down and avoid eye contact with strangers, but don’t! You should know who’s who and where they are.

That said, if somebody makes it through this new hyper-aware security system, aim for the soft spots: groin, throat, and eyes. Joe said that a common mistake is hitting once and then taking off, but no! Keep fighting, and mix it up. Groin! Throat! Eyes! Throat! Eyes! Groin! Don’t stop! And don’t bolt too early. Put in some distance before you turn your back. Also: Carry something, and know how to use it. Keys or a phone can do some damage.

Joe asked if I got a lot out of the class, and I gave an enthusiastic thumbs up, but confessed that I’d set out to fight bears. “Oh, put out dog food,” he said. “The bears will come to eat the dog food. Then you just shoot ’em.”

And that’s how I learned how to take down a man AND a bear.

River City Warrior, 14935 SW 72nd, Tigard, free trial for one-hour Gracie jiu-jitsu class, then $8-12 for individual sessions, rivercitywarrior.com

Elinor Jones writes the gossip column, THE TRASH REPORT, as well as movie reviews, and dinosaur stuff. She likes your lipstick.

10 replies on “How to FIGHT A MAN!”

  1. Groin is a terrible target, all it does is hurt your opponent and anger them; doesn’t stop them.

    Ears, eyes, throat, knees, these are your targets. Kick someone as hard as you can sideways into their knee and they will walk with a limp for the rest of their lives.

  3. Actually true Gracie Jiu Jitsu is for Self-Defense, although a sport has evolved out of it we do over 30 standing self-defense techniques based on STRIKING/punching/kicking just during white belt alone. Rickson Gracie regularly competed in matches known as “Vale Tudo” which translates to “anything goes.” Although true violence doesn’t mirror a sporting contest, like killing bears, it can be a close testing ground that’s safe and provides repetition. I was thrilled to be a part of this article and it was a ton of fun! If anyone has any questions on self-defense or any of the methods we provide at River City Warriors in Portland, I’d be happy to provide an opinion with 25 years of experience.

  4. Graham, kicking someone in their knee as hard as you can is not practical for self defense. If you are being attacked you do not have time to step back and step forward and plant and swing your leg that far. By the time you try that you are already owned. And there are so few nerve ending in the knee anyway it won’t stop an attack.

  5. A step is a kick and a kick is a step. A kick or strike to the groin can be deadly and while not the best primary target as most men have natural defenses against that, a groin attack works well with a distraction like a feint to the eyes. What Graham suggests is actually the most effective counter after evasion by stepping to the side and side kicking. It takes very little force to beak the knee by kicking it the sideways direction which it does not bend. Such a break will never heal properly. It only takes about five pounds of pressure to dislocate a leg, by kicking up under the kneecap. That is extremely painful, and can be instantly reset with no damage. Gregory Fong is the most highly skilled martial artist in Portland. He’s a difficult teacher, but his sarcasm is funnier than shit if you don’t take it personally. I’m no expert in Gracie style. I merely notice that it’s rather minimalistic in competition. If you want to discuss real classical jiu-Jitsu, talk to Dave, the owner of Hawthorne Cutlery. He’s an ex cop from Miami.

  6. There is a fight scene in the movie Twisted (2004)
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Hy6h5tjAlg
    where while watching I kept saying as if she could here me, “just break his leg.” Finally, after a pregnant pause, that’s how she ends the scene. The kick was conspicuous to me, by it’s absence. She could have prevented all the hassle she had to go through, if she had only broken his leg in the first place, but then there wouldn’t have been a fight scene.

  8. The light contact is not just for balance, but to be able to feel the aggressor move so that the defender might be able to change tactics, even in mid application to some other technique, if necessary.

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