“Longuini & Meatballs”: Only $34.99 at Halloween Mart.

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Welcome to Longuini’s Ristorante! May I interest you in our special this fine evening? Our world famous Longuini’s sausage and meatball platter features a fantastic specimen of the finest I-talian sausage around and two beautifully round and firm meat-a balls. Now ladies, don’t be afraid of its size. I know it may look like a lot to swallow but even the daintiest of dainty ladies has found room enough to put it away. They are filled to the brim and can barely walk out of here but they always leave satisfied with a smile on their face. Longuini and Meatballs costume includes chef’s apron with Longuini Ristorante logo with the phrase ‘Nobody beats our sausage’ printed across the front. Attached bowl has fake pasta, meatballs and sausage. Mangia! One size fits just about anyone.

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Bang bang, choo-choo train, let me see you shake that thang. Wm. Steven Humphrey is the editor-in-chief of the Portland Mercury and has held the job since 2000. (So don’t get any funny ideas.)

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