It’s not hot as balls in Portland anymore, so I think my summer of ice cream bingeing is over. But I learned a thing or two that I’d like to pass along to the dessert shop owners of our fine city. There are a couple of mistakes I see ice creameries make that keeps them from living up to their potential.
Your scoops are too small
If it’s Gold Flake Swirl, I understand. But it’s not. So I shouldn’t need to order a double scoop just to be able to see it in the bottom of my cone without a magnifying glass. I know your rent is high in your fancy new location downtown location, but don’t make me feel ripped off every time. That’s something that you should leave to shops in the Pearl.
Your waffle cones aren’t made fresh and you still charge a dollar for them
Why aren’t you making your waffle cones fresh? Do you want to make the ice cream fairy cry? It’s the waffle cone smell that attracts 61% of ice cream customers in the first place [source: The Big Book of Plausible Sounding Studies page 18] so you’re throwing money away right there. But then you have the gall to still upcharge me for a cone you pulled out of a package? No matter what flavor I order, all I taste is your incredible gall!
You left a 15-year-old alone to run the store all day
I’m looking at you, self-serve yogurt store. I know you didn’t start this business because you really care about serving cheap yogurt and crushed candy bars to the people of Hillsboro, but take a little pride in your service, please. I shouldn’t have to wake up a girl who fell asleep on her Intro To Chemistry text book just to have her weigh my tasty treats.
Your spoon gave me splinters
It’s awesome that you want everything to be biodegradable, but if I get one of those wooden paddles that come with the little ice cream cups I got in 3rd grade, I might throw it back at you. You are ruining the experience of putting sugared frozen cream on my tongue, and that takes a lot! Let’s just admit we’re destroying the earth and at least be happy while we drown in plastic spoons.
Also, Salt & Straw’s lines are too long. Would you all please go to Voodoo Donuts and leave my place alone?
I must go to the wrong places. Finding a small that isn’t the size of a softball feels very challenging.
Want to fix the line at Salt and Straw (or Staccato Gelato)? STOP LETTING PEOPLE HAVE MORE THAN ONE OR TWO SAMPLES.
In a sane world, there would be short lines because people would realize that the largest potential consequence of a blind ice cream decision is YOU GET ICE CREAM.
MAYBE NEXT TIME YOU’D TRY A DIFFERENT KIND OF ICE CREAM IF YOU WERE LESS THAN THRILLED WITH THE ICE CREAM YOU BLINDLY SELECTED.
If you try more than one or two things, just know I’m behind you in the line somewhere, praying to sample your imminent death, or the deaths of the entitled, indecisive children you are raising.
“I prefer my ice cream quickly,” is what I hope I have communicated.
I don’t even know what to say, @lawduck. That sounds like one of those good problems.
God DAMN IT I hate too much ice cream!! The only thing worse than TOO MUCH Ice Cream is FREE Tastes of ice cream that I would never think to try if it weren’t for sampling. ICE CREAM IS SO INFURIATING!!!
I still hang my hat on Ben and Jerry’s. The crowds are gone, the servers remain cheery, and the product is quality.
“It’s not hot as balls in Portland anymore”
You mean, those two days this summer where the temp was in the 90’s? Thank god those days are gone!
Just wait a few months until the Next Portland Food Trend™ moves onto homemade moonpies or something like that. Then you’ll be able to get your ice cream quickly and in peace.