Like some others in NE and SE Portland, I woke up this morning to this on my doorstep:

lonesomesmenu.jpg

Turns out Lonesome’s Pizza has quite the array of pies to choose from—and they’ve come up with some of the greatest pizza names of all time. Just a few examples:

1. Lee Majors vs. a barracuda with a bowie knife $19
Marinara, fresh mozzarella, and basil leaves, drizzled with extra virgin olive oil.
6. Burt Reynolds & the girl that stole my cd collection vs. a pride of badgers $21
Marinara, mozzarella, spicy salami, and hot banana peppers finished with fried shallot.
7. Eric Estrada vs. a Komodo dragon $21
Crispy Prosciutto, fresh scallion, marinara, and mozzarella
14. Lando Calrissian vs. that tank from Tienanmen Square $23
Our homemade alfredo sauce with mozzarella, chicken, and broccoli

There’s a bunch more on their website, which I strongly urge visiting. I also encourage you to click on the links for each pizza name. (My Dad vs. Your Dad is especially rewarding.) Here’s what they have to say about the names:

Every month or so, we’re going to change the names of the pizzas, for the hell of it. So that it doesn’t get too confusing, you can always order with the corresponding number of the pizza, on the far left of the description, that wont ever change.
This month we’ve decided to imagine fights that would be too awesome to actually happen in the world, as everybody’s ass would get kicked in the run-off of ass whooping that would inevitably find it’s way into the water table…
Also, go to our blog and let us know for who you think would win and why. Free pizza to whoever does the best with it.

Awesome. I’m sold. There are just a couple things, though: Nowhere on the menu or website does it give Lonesome’s address. If it’s delivery-only, that’s fine, but I’d like to have some idea where my pizza is being made (although they say they deliver to all of inner East Portland). Also, the website gives this cryptic info: “When you open your personal pie you’re going to see something really, really stupid. We come up with these ideas while drinking.”

We have been warned.

Ned Lannamann is a writer and editor in Portland, Oregon. He writes about film, music, TV, books, travel, tech, food, drink, outdoors, and other things.

20 replies on “The Greatest Pizza Menu of All Time”

  1. No address listed makes them sound sketchy. I’d be happy to order from them if I knew where they were located. And even then I’d make sure I’m paying cash only. Way to sound incredibly shady Lonesome’s.

  4. I know one of the guys who started this place and he was talking to me about it the other night.

    To answer your questions: It is delivery only but the pizzas are made somewhere around NE 19th and Sandy. Also, there is apparently some sort of “Artist Profile” collage taped to the inside of each pizza box, which I guess is the “really, really stupid” thing you see when you open the box.

    I’ve never had the pizza before but the guy is a nice guy and he is 3’6″ tall, if that helps you make your pizza-buying decision or anything.

  5. You know what I hate? Restaurant owners who name their food with cutesy gimmick names. This is a million times worse than that. Why, when there are a ton of perfectly good pizza places around, would I eat your pizza, Lonesome’s? Because you have super awesome kick ass names for your pizza? Or, because you are going to change the names so that I never know what the pizzas are called? You don’t have a storefront, are you going to drop off a new menu every time you think up a new batch of names? (I agree with Messa, no address is sketchy.) And, since you don’t have a storefront, there are no pictures on your web site, and your facebook only has 2 super tiny photos, I have no idea what your pizza even looks like. So, I’m just supposed to be so impressed with all of the effort you put into naming your pizzas that I’m going to take your word for it that it’s awesome pizza. I don’t think so, Lonesome’s. When I want pizza, I just want pizza, not fucking gimmicks. You might make the best pizza in the world. I will probably never know.

  7. I have to wonder if it is “coal fired pizza” how they’re doing that somewhere that’s not a restaurant. Also, as soon as the health department learns of this, I assume it will be shut down. I can’t find a record for them at the MCHD website.

  9. What I’m more pissed about is that they’re deciding to only deliver to the eastside. I so want a pizza I can order after midnight that’s not Hammy’s, and this place sounds cool what with offering free CDs/DVDs in every pizza and all that. But if they refuse to deliver to the highest density residential neighborhood in Portland, well that’s just sorta stupid.

  12. I just ordered a pizZa and it was delivered by a midget in a metal t-shirt. I’m 100% NOT joking.

    The Ethiopian pizza is amazing and my CD of Gregory Stovetop is quite satisfying.

    I FUCKING LOVE THIS PLACE.

  13. had ridiculously awesome pizza (#10) from there last night…..only proves my original theory that anything a giant AND a midget both recommend is always going to be a good idea. also- not sure why everyone is worried about their address? its not on the paper menu but its on the contact page of their website.
    but good looking out, you all really earned those jr. bureaucrat badges today.

  14. had ridiculously awesome pizza (#10) from there last night…..only proves my original theory that anything a giant AND a midget both recommend is always going to be a good idea. also- not sure why everyone is worried about their address? its not on the paper menu but its on the contact page of their website. but good looking out, you all really earned those jr. bureaucrat badges today.

  16. We ordered three pies from them last night and sure enough, a midget delivered them.

    All in all, they were quite good. Not on par with Al Forno Ferruzza Pizzeria or Apizza Scholls, but far better than any delivery option I could think of. They delivered them to central SE, so I think their range is pretty large.

  17. But why is the cowboy on the menu so lonesome and forlorn looking? Did he just lose his best friend to chronic nose decay? Did his penis just fall into his boot? What? Even the indians are noticing.

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