It’s been a while since I’ve done a Mini-Review piece, and while I was away, things got seriously weird. In the recent past, the PlayStation 3 got a small handful of games to make Xbox 360 owners alternately jealous, confused and sorta want to make out with a tulip, and 50 Cent is somehow the best part of a game based on his trademark hyper-macho posturing.
To quote Lloyd Bridges, “I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue.”
50 Cent: Blood On The Sand — $60 — PlayStation 3, Xbox 360
50 Cent: Blood On The Sand is bad.
The only problem is, I can’t quite decide if I mean bad in the “avoid this shit like the plague” sense, or in the “you’ve somehow traveled back to 1989 and descriptors are all reversed” sense. It’s the 2009 equivalent of Schwarzenegger’s Commando — a movie that firmly encapsulates everything simultaneously awesome and mind-numbingly stupid about the Reagan era — only instead of California’s governor, it follows the exploits of multiple gunshot wound survivor cum rapper cum actor cum vitamin water pitchman cum action game star Curtis “50 Cent” Jackson.
Wrapping a game around Fiddy isn’t the most logical step in trying to capture the notoriously racist, homophobic affluent teenage gamer demographic, but he’s really the only part of this game that works. Say what you will about his music, but the man knows how to lay down some solid voice acting. It’s almost as if shouting swears at bitches over the report of gunfire for stealing his crystal-studded memento mori is a common thing for the man.
Too bad everything outside of that brands the game as a mindless, oft-bizarre Gears of War clone with a stereotypically “thug” soundtrack.
Verdict: Rent it, maybe, if you’re a fan of 50 and shouting at bitches.
Killzone 2 — $60 — PlayStation 3
As its name would suggest, Killzone 2 is all about killing. And zones, maybe. Long story short: Bad guys are attacking and/or defending things, you have some spectacularly phallic weaponry, and your single goal is to metaphorically ejaculate bullets directly into their faces.
It’s a typical shooter plot (even with my added Freudian implications) but never before has killing endless hordes of enemies looked so pretty.
Those enemies aren’t as clever as the developers promised, and the storyline isn’t as gripping as we were assured it would be, but compared to other shooters, even these low points are average at worst.
It’s not entirely perfect, but Sony’s cultish devotees finally have a worthy response to the endless “All praise Halo, our immortal Lord and Savior!” coming from the Church of Xbox.
Verdict: Should be a required purchase for all PS3 owners.
Noby Noby Boy — $5 — PlayStation 3
Japan. A beautiful land of ancient traditions steeped in gorgeous vistas and unique, time-honored cultural ideology. Also, tons of really bizarre shit.
Noby Noby Boy, like the majestic Pikachu, falls into the latter category. It’s the story of a worm boy thing who, by eating, stretching his colorful body and pooping, hopes to impress a worm girl thing who just so happens to be millions of meters long and permanently resides in the outer bits of the Milky Way galaxy.
And then things start to get weird.
While you’re busy stretching Boy around his local, nearly neon neighborhood, people, dogs, chickens and bicyclists will all hop on your back in a vain attempt to hitch a ride to wherever you’re going. At least until you swallow them.
If it sounds like I’m having trouble describing the game, well, I hate you too pal. It’s not that I’m not trying here, it’s just that Noby Noby Boy is even weirder than its creator’s last game, Katamari Damacy. Like that one though, I recommend this game to absolutely everyone.
I’d ask you to just trust me on this, but Noby is only a $5 download. You aren’t paying a thing to read this review, so I think you can spare it Uncle Pennybags.
Verdict: Buy it, then thank me once your girlfriend is done giggling and clapping at the “cutesypoo snake dude.”
Flower — $10 — PlayStation 3
Flower is what happens when an American design studio attempts to match the Japanese in the quirky, downloadable game market. In place of colorful, cartoony weirdness you get almost-maudlin, indie chic wrapped around an endlessly simple gameplay mechanic. Sorta like Pong, if it was filtered through Camilla d’Errico’s “Iguana.”
Flower is the story of the wind. You are the wind, and as the wind it’s your job to blow. Instead of the obvious oral sex joke you’re imagining, the game has you guiding an increasing posse of flower petals around a momentarily bleak landscape. In pushing the petals around, you spread pollen, causing more flowers to grow, populating the land with various colors and bringing a smile to the long-dead face of Gregor Mendel.
The gimmick here is that all motion is controlled by twisting and turning the PS3’s motion-sensitive controller. Unlike other games that attempt to use the tech for in-game control, Flower actually makes the process enjoyable. Absolutely anyone can pick the title up and figure it out in seconds, and the act of maneuvering your gusts through the gorgeous world is simultaneously addictive and intensely zen.
Verdict: Unless you need constant explosions and zombies, Flower is definitely worth the $10 download.
“multiple gunshot wound survivor cum rapper cum actor cum vitamin water pitchman cum action game star Curtis “50 Cent” Jackson.”
mmmm….. cum and guns….