STAY ALERT, fellow explorers—for the following exhilarating tale is both factual and startling! ‘Twas but three days since I was roused from study in my manor and tasked with yet another perilous adventure—for the likes of which I am, I must humbly admit, rather famed and envied.
Her Majesty hath decided that The Mysterious West must be explored—and that myself, as her virile and erudite servant, was the only worthy gentleman! With little more ado, I packed my elephant gun, settled my pith helmet upon my brow, and sallied forth, daring to go farther West than any before, to a land whispered of in myth: “Beaverton.” As my thrilling tale concludes, you will learn that I barely escaped with my life, and should you be sensitive to shocks, or of the feminine persuasion, I beg you read no further.
WHAT IS THIS “BEAVER TOWNE”?
The scientifical evidence we possess on this Westward land is vexing: Is it a Lost City to rival Asgard or Atlantis? Is it a dale of Elysian dales? Is it a towne made up of super-intelligent beaver-folk, who dress and speak and use gnawed-upon tiddlywinks as currency?
None of the above, brave reader! But I hath gotten ahead of mine self: Traveling the ramshackle road to Beaverton is a treacherous endeavour. At the gaping maw of an ominous tunnel, one finds a dire posting: “PEDESTRIANS PROHIBITED,” leaving one with no misconceptions that should one not possess mechanized conveyance, they are not welcome. Indeed, in all my time in the Far West (a time which—and I mean not to boast!—nearly eclipsed three hours), I saw not a single denizen of Beaverton who was not seated within an automated buggy.
Of these pale natives I saw but little, ensconced as they were in their massive metallic wagons; learning of them through their effects seemed the only safe action. For while I am courageous and strapping, and have won no fewer than two and one-half bare-knuckled boxing matches when fisticuffs were necessitated, I am no fool, and I value my life as much (or more) as the next well-bred gentleman!
OF PALACES AND HIEROGLYPHS
Of the two most frequent sights in Beaverton I shall say only this: “Miniature malls” and “Christian meeting centers” dot the land—indeed, they seem the chief method of architecture for these natives, who scurry betwixt them via an astonishingly labyrinthine system of roads. Behold! Even with mine sextant, astrolabe, and sense of direction that hath been described by mine self as “eerily unerring” and “tip-top,” I must admit I spent nearly two hours and 57 minutes of my expedition profoundly lost.
Of the crude signs and strange Meccas I shall soon describe, try to believeth mine words, impossible they might seem!
Even the quaint “City Hall” of Beaverton stands in a “miniature mall” of sorts, sharing a paved lot with shoppes bearing the marks of both “Verizon Wireless” and “Noodles & Co.” (The former I presume to be purveyors of trapping supplies; the latter some kind of Orientals’ den, operated by those mischievous creatures of the Far East, no doubt lying in wait for unsuspecting opium fiends to “Shanghai.”)
Various signs erected by the natives reveal an eager attempt at discourse yet a damning lack of cognizance: “Obama is a fraud!” read one hand-scrawled sign clumsily attached to one motorized transport. It bears remarking that the “O” in said statement contained additional markings within its interiour: Two dots and a an upside-down “U,” making said “O” appear to crudely resemble a frowning human face!
Of the geographical anomaly of “Nike World Campus,” this veteran traveler finds himself in awe: ‘Tis a palatial estate of gurgling fountains, well-tended fields, and a most tranquil lake that concealeth Lord knoweth how many gigantic serpentine dragonnes. Through punctilious research, I learned the head of this kingdom was once but a lowly knight who raised himself to lordship upon the ceaseless labor of the smallest of children from the exotic Orient! (Feel not pity for these industrious lads! If thou feels a pesky nag of sympathy, only remember the sins no doubt transpiring this very moment within that sty of deviance and terror, Noodles & Co.)
RETURN TO CIVILIZATION
I ask not your admiration for my admirable accomplishments—only gratitude for the knowledge I hath discovered. While my quest hath tired me, it shall not be long before I feel the tumescent urge to undertake another journey, and I encourage you to immediately begin anticipating my next report with your utmost levels of enthusiasm. Until then, I remind you to keep your pistols loaded and within easy grasp AT ALL TIMES, for one never knows if talking beavers may still lurk in the West’s unexplored shadows. Perhaps someday they shall rise and shamble Eastward, coming upon our faire City with their razor-sharp fangs and unquenchable thirst for human blood. Cheerio!
NEXT ISSUE: “GRESHAM: THE OTHER BEAVERTON.”
Isn’t this suburb bashing that goes on in all the local rags getting old yet? Its been going on for years now. Like we are supposed to laugh at the oddities that exist outside the magical bounds of Portland city limits? Like there is some line that separates cool Portland from lame Beaverton/Gresham. ha ha, people from Beaverton and Greasham are “funny” and “different”, while those living in “Portland” (which extends much further West than you know apparently) are so much better off, more intelligent, and just cooler in general. Enough with the generalizing and judging already. If it weren’t for the burbs, Portland would not be the city it is now. I’m just so tired of this geographic snobbery, who gives a shit already!?!? Write about something worthwhile.
Are you being ironic with this cliche olde-timey shtick? or are you being doubly ironic because this has already been written a dozen times? or are you being a dumbass by pretending it’s funny to go someplace where people live because they can’t afford where you live or they don’t like who and what you like? or do you not know what the fuck you’re doing anymore because your hip literary paradigm is ALL PLAYED OUT.
As a matter of fact Ogre, yes we are cooler than you.
This article is completely ridiculous, you only actually mention, possibly three things even about Beaverton and your olde timey speak wtf? While those us that grew up there may spend our time mostly in Portland and flee often to the east side when we leave the nest, kind of still feel like you need to back the fuck off. Our EM is way better than the one downtown, Blue Sky has some of the best all age karaoke and bubble tea. We have a couple really fantastic tattoo parlors, and some pretty cool people did their time here, such as both members of The Helio Sequence, alumni of BHS.
Wow, aren’t we touchy! Don’t fuck with the suburban dwellers!
I’m from Beaverton. It’s worse than this light hearted exploration, much worse. It is The Land of the Dead.
HAHA!
I thought the article was funny!
PDXDarko, you assume I am from Beaverton/the burbs, but you are wrong. Just making the point that I don’t understand how, in Portland, a small city that prides itself and its metro area on urban growth boundaries, progressive thinking, etc, that there is this bullshit provincialism that comes mostly from hipsters and holier than thou a-holes. It’s also usually from those who have moved here sometime in the last 5 years, and know nothing about the history of the region, or the dramatic changes that have taken place in this city and state as a whole over the past 20 years. Besides, deny it all you want, but all the things in this article that are being made fun of can easily be found in Portland; there is definitely no shortage of strip malls, cars, churches, or McCain suporters in good ol’ PDX, if you ever venture out of the “hip” areas you love so much. There are probably thousands of people cooler than the collective “we” you refer to in Beaverton too. hell, half the local bands you love probably have members who live in the burbs, guess that means they must suck.
Ugh.. over and over the hip belittle the not so much. Highschool anyone? Also be careful out there in Gresham. I just moved back into an apartment here in inner SE after a two month stint in Gresham. In my time there I had my car hit an ran, a knife pulled on me, ran off the road and into a parked car on me bike by a rabid driver with obvious intent. Also I witnessed a home burgarly. Fuck Gresham. Burn it down.
How exactly does the Chaucer-esque language add to the satire? And Mr. Henrikson does a poor job contrasting Portland with Beaverton—does anyone thing Portland does not have it’s share of strip malls, chain stores, automobiles, and corporate offices?
Confusing column that is just not very funny.
How exactly does the Chaucer-esque language add to the satire? And Mr. Henrikson does a poor job contrasting Portland with Beaverton—does anyone thing Portland does not have it’s share of strip malls, chain stores, automobiles, and corporate offices?
Confusing column that is just not very funny.
The burbs are played, get over it. At one time it was trendy to live on the outskirts and jog around the cul-de-sac, now that trend just means more gas and less class. Be easy, it’s just comedic journalism already. Next thing you know you’ll be defending Vantucky.
Trendy? When was it ever “trendy” in Portland??? That has nothing to do with it, and saying people in the burbs have less class…ignorant. The generalizations we like to make about what type of person someone is based on where they live, etc, is disgusting. Ever heard of judging a book by its cover? Just because someone chooses to live 8 miles from downtown versus 4 doesn’t make them less classy. If you beleive that you are ignorant. For most families it’s more economical and practical to live in the burbs than buy a 400K condo downtown or an overpriced house in SE with worse public schools for their kids to attend. Plus, with MAX and public transit, most people who live in the burbs can easily commute to downtown (or elsewhere) for work, to attend various events, or to get around their local neighborhoods etc, meaning less to no gas. Once again the better-than-you attitude that some Portlanders build up in their heads is just ridiculous. Maybe if we incorporated the whole state into one big city, then we could just keep making fun of Californians like the good ol’ days. Oh, and “Vantucky” (seriously, how played is that name) is a pretty cool little town if you spend some time there. I know, shocking!!!
GOOOOOO SUBURBIAAAAAAAA
Beaverton is a lot cooler than anyone on the Merc will ever admit to. How many other booming suburbs in the country have ethnic/social/economic diversity, affordibility, mass transit, a (slowly developing) town center, and CHICKEN BAR?