“Clean, reliable public transportation!” Lisa Simpson once proclaimed, extolling the pure and noble aim of Springfield’s #22 bus line. “The chariot of the people! The ride of choice for the poor and very poor alike!”
As with so many things, Lisa, bless her obnoxious heart, was right. The bus is a pillar of modern, egalitarian society—a technological and philosophical achievement that enables all of us (except for rich people, who use Uber) to travel quickly, efficiently, and responsibly, thus improving not only our own lives, but those of our fellow man.
Too bad you’re fucking it all up.
Here is a list of all the ways you’re riding the bus wrong.
PUTTING YOUR BAG ON A SEAT
Seats are for people. Your bag is not a person. Your bag is a bullshit bag full of bullshit that you, and only you, think is important. Put your bag on the fucking floor. Put your bag on your fucking lap. Your bag won’t know the difference. It’s a fucking bag.
- Olivia Storm
SITTING BY THE AISLE
INSTEAD OF THE WINDOW
A cherished maneuver of assholes who think they’re fancy and shouldn’t have to sit next to anyone else (FYI, you’re not fancy, you’re riding the goddamn bus), choosing the aisle seat instead of the window seat is some real passive-aggressive shit. Since this is Portland, where passive-aggressive shit is basically our horrid little religion, you probably won’t get called out for this—but you can be sure all the other passive-aggressive assholes on the bus know exactly what you’re up to and are passive-aggressively hating you for it. If you don’t want to sit by anyone, you have a ton of other options! They include walking, driving, bicycling, and dying alone.
TALKING
Look, it’s not just that I don’t want to talk to you (though I certainly don’t). It’s that on the bus, no one wants to talk to anyone. When was the last time you heard someone say, “I met the most fascinating person on the bus and we had the most enlightening conversation!” Never. You have never heard anyone say this. In the entire history of language, just now was the first time those words have ever been arranged in that order.
TALKING (ON YOUR PHONE)
Who even talks on a phone anymore? You and my grandma, apparently. (Are you… are you calling my grandma?) Here’s a rule that’s generally followed by people who aren’t self-important fuckwits: Don’t talk on your phone in public. There are no exceptions to this rule. Not even in emergencies, and definitely not on the bus.
SITTING IN THE FRONT
IF YOU AREN’T OLD
The front of the bus is for old people and people who have a harder time getting around than you do. So don’t fucking sit there. It is not for you. You know what is for you? ANYWHERE ELSE. Sit anywhere else on the bus. The bus is your oyster! I regret that sentence, so let’s just move on as quickly as possible: You can even walk down the aisle and go up the stairs. There are a ton of seats back there! And only two stairs! It’s super easy!
NOT GOING UP THOSE TWO STAIRS, EVEN THOUGH IT’S SUPER EASY
If—after tightening your crampons, strapping on your oxygen mask, and sinking in your ice axe—you bravely manage to summit those two stairs, prepare for a goddamn revelation: Oh my god there are so many more seats on this bus. It’s almost as if the person who invented the bus (Sandra Bullock) actually wanted people to sit back there.
- Olivia Storm
LEAVING THE BUS VIA
THE FRONT DOOR
Apparently your parents sent you to private school, because ooOOOoo look who’s a precious special snowflake. In related news, FUCK A SNOWFLAKE, THIS IS THE BUS. And here is the direction we go: We go in the front (remember this? It’s how you got on the bus!), and we leave out the back (notice this? It’s how everyone except for you is getting off the bus!). Not only does entering in the front and leaving out the back go with the direction of all the other passengers, it also goes with the direction of the GIANT FUCKING ARROW that’s RIGHT ABOVE YOUR HEAD that SHOWS YOU WHICH WAY TO GO.
SCREAMING “BACK DOOR!” WHEN THE LIGHT ABOVE THE BACK DOOR IS ALREADY ON AND ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS PUSH
All you have to do is push.
NOT GETTING OFF ONE STOP BEFORE OR AFTER YOUR PREFERRED STOP WHEN DOING SO WILL SAVE EVERYONE ELSE TIME
Are you an able-bodied non-idiot, and are you pretty sure the only reason the bus is going to stop at a certain stop is because of you? Then try to wrap your brain around this advanced concept: Instead of forcing an entire bus to slowly shudder to a groaning halt just so that you—and no one else—can get off at your preferred stop, consider taking one for the goddamn team and getting off on the stop before or after your preferred stop—when other people are getting on or off. The only reason a bus stops at every single motherfucking stop is because of horrible people. Horrible people like you.
PULLING THE YELLOW CORD TO MAKE THE BUS STOP, BUT THEN NOT GETTING OFF THE BUS WHEN IT STOPS, BUT ALSO TRYING TO PRETEND LIKE IT WASN’T YOU WHO PULLED THE YELLOW CORD
Awww! Somebody got confused! (It was you, genius.) But if you accidentally signal the driver to stop too early, perhaps consider doing what a grownup would do instead of being a little baby and hunching over, pretending like it must have been someone else. If you refuse to suck it up and get off a stop early (CONSEQUENCES HAVE ACTIONS), well, then here, I wrote a thing you can read the next time you get confused. Ask a parent to clip it out and pin it to your sweater. “Whoops! I don’t need this stop! Sorry, everyone—that was annoying of me. At least I’m not Yo-Yo Guy, right?”
- Olivia Storm
BEING YO-YO GUY
Everyone who isn’t Yo-Yo Guy can skip this. Again: This one is just for Yo-Yo Guy.
Okay, Yo-Yo Guy, now that you and I are alone: I swear to tit-fucking christ if I see you getting up to your goddamn yo-yo bullshit again on the #14, I’m going to strangle every last breath out of you and I’m going to use your piece-of-shit yo-yo to do it. Do you think someone will stop me? No one will stop me. Everyone on the #14 will watch—silently, approvingly—and when your final breath wheezes into the cold still air, they will cheer. I will rise, and they will hail me as their righteous champion. They will stand, as one, and they will dump your broken body out the window; they will set fire to your yo-yo and fling it below, rejoicing as it is cracks beneath the bus’ wheels. Your funeral will be a procession of #14s, and lo, upon the vanguard shall stand the guitar flame-thrower dude from Fury Road, and as the buses trundle over your mangled corpse, each rider will lean out the window to spit upon your crushed remains. “Ugh, Yo-Yo Guy,” the bus driver leading our mighty caravan will grumble, slamming down the gas pedal as the #14s roar into a brilliant sunset to color of blood. “He was the worst, and I’m glad he’s dead.” Guitar flame-thrower dude will nod, raising a single fist; the sweet, fiery music he births will make the air thrum with majesty. But do not mistake this proud song for your requiem, Yo-Yo Guy. No. This song is the anthem of a bright and beautiful and yo-yo-free future, one where the only memory of you shall be when your foul name is whispered, a dark and oily curse upon our descendants’ sneering lips.
OKAY EVERYONE ELSE CAN START READING AGAIN
- Olivia Storm
MANSPREADING
Self-explanatory.
- Olivia Storm
MANSPREADING IN A UTILIKILT
I saw this. It wasn’t as bad as the time a guy threw up on the bus, but it was bad.
WEARING A UTILIKILT
This is just good life advice.
BEING A DICK WHEN THERE ARE A BUNCH OF KIDS ON THE BUS
Hey, I get it—if I had my way, children would be forbidden from appearing in public! But think about it: First, those kids are probably going on a field trip they were told was going to be awesome (WATER PARK), but will, in fact, turn out to be super lame (COLUMBIA BOULEVARD WASTEWATER TREATMENT PLANT). Second, thanks to dipshit Oregonians’ repeated refusal to adequately fund our schools, they probably can’t afford a school bus for their super lame field trip, which is why they’re on the goddamn regular bus with the likes of you and me and that twitching meth guy who almost definitely is having a full-blown seizure in the back. None of this is the kids’ fault, and even if it were, they’re going to be punished with a super lame field trip. So either pay more in taxes or stop glaring at them and pointedly sighing at their teacher, who is a goddamn beautiful saint and who deserves a raise and who, in comparison, makes you look like Mr. Twitches back there.
DRESSING UP LIKE MICHAEL JACKSON TO RIDE THE BUS
Surprising even myself, I’m… tolerant of this? So good for you, I guess, guy who’s “keeping Portland weird” by, for some awful reason, wearing a full-on Michael Jackson get-up while riding to Fred Meyer. Maybe don’t do it when there’s a field trip.
NOT USING HAND SANITIZER
The bus is fucking gross. In 2011, a study by Portland State University and the Oregonian found the average sample seat on a TriMet bus contained 80.1 bacteria colonies—colonies that likely contain oxacillin-resistant staphylococcus aureus. “Commonly known as MRSA,” the Oregonian continued, probably while sitting next to a campfire with a flashlight under its chin, “the bug is notorious for rejecting antibiotics, eating flesh, and causing pneumonia.” (Intent on making this even worse, a microbiologist added that E. coli and fecal bacteria were almost certainly present as well.) “I’ve seen seats soaked in urine, or there’s fecal matter or vomit, you know, when someone has colic, and kids vomit, and mothers vomit, and it’s on the seat,” a bus driver who wanted to give me a panic attack told KGW. “I’ve seen it and I’ve smelled it, and with these cloth seats there’s no way to get them cleaned up.”
Use this information as you will (BURN EVERYTHING YOU OWN), but never forget: The bus is fucking gross. Children ride the bus. Mr. Twitches rides the bus. Vomiting moms ride the bus. True, Keanu Reeves once rode the bus too, but that was only in a movie 🙁
NOT KNOWING HOW TO USE THE BIKE RACK
Ineptitude aside, why the hell are you putting a bike on the bus? That bike better be broken.
CONGREGATING BY THE DOORS
On planes, this is illegal for a very good reason: 9/11. And that’s the exact reason it’s illegal on the bus. Okay, it’s not illegal on the bus. But it should be. Standing by the doors is a not particularly subtle variation on the “Sitting By the Aisle Instead of the Window” stratagem, and don’t do it, because OBVIOUSLY PEOPLE ARE GOING TO EXIT THROUGH THE DOORS YOU ARE BLOCKING. Just sit next to somebody already! You just have to sit by them; it’s not like you have to fuck them at the next stop. And no, trying to flatten yourself against the partition isn’t going to work, because you’re not a two-dimensional cartoon character. You’re a dickbag who’s standing in people’s way while you squint at your phone, creepily scrolling through pictures of your ex on Facebook.
ASSUMING THAT NO ONE IS LOOKING AT WHAT YOU’RE DOING ON YOUR PHONE
We are all looking, and we all want you to leave your poor ex alone. (“You can do better than him,” her friends told her when she dumped you. “He congregates by the doors on the bus.”)
THANKING THE BUS DRIVER
In real cities, people do not thank their bus drivers, subway operators, or funicular… pilots? But in Portland, where everyone exerts a bewildering amount of effort trying to be super nice, this is a thing: When someone disembarks, they often chirp out a “Thanks!” or “Thank you, driver!” or “Hey everyone who doesn’t care that I am leaving and is just trying to get home with as few distractions as possible, look how polite I am!”
Wait. Now that I think about it, maybe this actually isn’t the worst thing ever? After all, bus drivers are trapped in a metal box all day, trying to stick to a schedule while also dealing with shitty traffic and screaming children and mom vomit and oxacillin-resistant staphylococcus aureus and Mr. Twitches and your bullshit bag. They probably deserve some thanks.
So carry on. Just stop fucking up everything else, and, together, we shall ride the chariot of the people into a bright and beautiful and yo-yo-free future.
- Olivia Storm
If you relax, two things will happen. 1) You’ll live longer, and 2) you’ll be less of a crank while you’re here. You know all the non-issues you worryingly gnash your teeth about your fellow humans here? You’re doing the exact same thing but on a broadcast level. At least they only annoy a few people at a time. Your finger-pointing superiority gets to piss off dozens of Mercury readers. Dozens! I’m going to keep saying thank you to drivers and greeting other people around me with kindness. I’ll be hoping you’re cringing somewhere on the bus, steam coming out of your ears as your blood pressure boils over at the unbearable experience of other people — who don’t have crushing antisocial neuroses governing their every interaction — being civil to each other. Even ants greet other ants as they scurry by. We’re living social beings. Why do you yearn to be sub-ant?
i love this, agree with most of these!
This is fantastic. Please don’t stop calling out assholes.
I do many of these things and I don’t plan on stopping, they are simply too much fun. So what? You would have us ride by your lame ass rules. Guess what? No! I now plan on doing all of these things after reading this article. So if it helps you at all, you can consider me the asshole but don’t think I’m not a proud asshole. And while we’re on the subject don’t think you are not just a different flavor of asshole because you most certainly are, you’d have to be to even write such an article. So I’ll tell you what, lets ride the bus together asshole to asshole and see what happens!
Hey dick who want to be offended. 1st off your probably mad because your bud riding behavior has been brought to light. 2nd it’s just a guess but I’m pretty sure although the author probably isn’t kidding this was meant to be funny. 3rd it is funny.
What a sad little list.
Just take a seat and calm down, Erik.
Sheesh.
I was stuck on the the max next to a woman the day before yesterday who was Skyping a friend loudly – on speaker. These are all so perfect, I swear I am going to print this and give handouts to people who are breaking these.
Often the back door’s light is on and you cannot open it with a push (its happened to me several times, sometimes the door can be forced, but often not) so a call out is necessary. Fact check before being the asshole calling people assholes
I sit in the aisle seat only if I’m on one of those buses with horrible leg clearance that will force my kneecap into my asshole if we hit a bump in the road.
OMG!! Your’e “that guy” that I sit by on the bus, I would say thanks for this article or maybe I can just ask you to bend over so I can shove my hair dryer up your hieny until it melts like plastic? Cheers!
Here’s another Simpsons quote with a little twist: The rod up this writer’s butt must have a rod up its’ butt.
Most of these are kinda lame. A couple are just common sense.
Have your Pass or transfer ready when you step on the bus! Stepping on first and then blocking everyone else who IS ready, then doing the Macarena while you say “I have to look for my Pass.” is incredible asshole behavior. Your waiting at a Bus Stop. Eventually one is going to show up. Be prepared Dumbass.
You forgot to add “Don’t stand with your ass a foot away from someone’s face when there are plenty of free seats a mere ass-pivot away.” And “Don’t be the coolbro that thinks he can stand without holding onto a bar. You WILL fall. And when you fall, it will be on someone, and that makes you a total prick.”
This is a poor list, buddy. Portland people are more friendly than this. Some valid points but over all you sounds like one of those out-of-towners who will eventually ruin Portland’s culture why simultaneously driving up the cost of housing. It is silly for people to not get off at their bus stop but instead get off the one before or after. Should they take a poll first so they know who may or may not get off at their stop with them? Probably not, because that would involve talking to others. Portland is an openhearted city, it would be a sad day if our public transpo felt the same as New York or SF…that would be a sad sad day indeed. Get on board with Portland culture or you sir, can just get off the bus. As upset as you get while riding the bus, it sound like YOU’RE riding the bus wrong.
The bus makes me hate people too much so I ride everyday, which has made me fit. As my pappy always said, it is better to be fit then have a fit.
No wet umbrella on seat? or strollers, recycling cans in garbage bags taking the handicapped spaces upfront? backpacks? DOGS?? yes I get they are ALL service animals.
I actually don’t care anymore. I’ve accepted all of the above now.
My personal pet peeve are the folks that think that since they will be getting off at the next stop they need to be standing right by the door. It’s like: “If I am not right buy the door the bus might leave before I can get off!” So they stand up and make there way over like 10-15 people who can barely hold on hard enough to keep from falling down. Well people, I am here to tell you, I have never seen the bus leave with people on it that did not want to be on it! Stay the fuck down and get up when the bus stops!
WOW. I’m not old. I am disabled even though I don’t look like it. I will continue to sit where I damn well please. I’m on my phone to avoid idiots who give me anxiety. If I want to stalk my ex it’s none of your business. Btw…he died a few years ago so thankfully I don’t live w some jerkwad telling me what to do. I always thank my driver as it’s just good manners. As for getting off at the proper stop…I do this for two reasons. I have trouble walking very far so it’s better for me than pushing the limits and ending up in the hospital. Secondly, I am new to the area and have to make certain that I know where I am going. Thirdly, if it’s dark I don’t want to get lost. I don’t think any experience in Portland has made me think I was as unwelcomed as this article. Grateful that most people I have encountered are kind and not arrogant jerks.
These are all the things that make up the bus riding experience. Sitting next to a bum soaked in pee, listening to somebody spout of their beliefs on the end times, the rush of commuters staring zombified into their electronic devices trying desperately to pretend that they don’t see what is going on around them. If you can’t handle it. Please feel free to exit the bus using whichever exit you prefer. Shout out thank you or flip someone off. Does it really matter? The bus does not judge.
As a former bus driver who had the pleasure of driving in Portlandia for 15 years I have to say that this list is quite impressive!
Written by a driver or someone who else a hell of a lot of experience riding transit buses in Portland!
Missing:
– Eating. Fuck no, don’t do it.
– Standing RIGHT IN FRONT of an opening door that clearly has disembarking people RIGHT BEHIND IT. Newsflash, shitbird – people have to get off the thing to make room for you to get onto it.
You missed the “guy/girl with music playing from their phone or speaker” I hate them the most. No one wants to hear your shitty music, buy some fucking headphones.
I once saw a guy DRAG A BAG OF GARBAGE from the front of the bus all the way to the god damn back. Granted, he was homeless, but still – A BAG OF GARBAGE. AND THE BUS DRIVER JUST LET IT HAPPEN.
Awesome. Thank you. I might add one more thing: Please don’t eat on the bus or train. Look, you’re making a freaking mess all over the seats and floor, dimwit, nobody wants to come along after you and sit down in your spilt kale marsalla, to say nothing of the added cost the bus company passes along to the rest of us because your mess takes them longer to clean. And, what smells delish to you, absolutely stinks to me. What’s worse is that your foul food can cause someone else to have a potentially life-threatening allergic or asthmatic reaction when you lay out your picnic in the enclosed space we all have to share. The rule is food and beverages must be kept in closed containers. The law says you can’t eat on the bus, that’s how the bus company indemnifies itself against your survivor’s claims after you choke to death when the bus has to stop suddenly. Finally, your momma should have taught you that eating in front of others is just plain rude, especially if you’re stuffing your fat gob full of junk food in front of the poor soul who hasn’t themselves eaten in several days. Feed yourself and your kid at the kitchen table before you leave to catch the bus. “Your civil rights end at the tip of my nose.”
Have your damn money and pass ready especially if you think you need to get on the bus first even though you just showed up to the bus stop
I agree with most of this. However, as a 6’3″ male with drooping balls. It is actually physically impossible for me to sit in most window seats. I’m forced to man spread in the aisle seat, with one knee in the window seat and the other in the aisle. Trust me, I don’t like it anymore than you do.
As a gentleman, if the bus is full and I see someone that needs a seat, I always stand and offer the empty window seat that will again be filled by my splayed leg and probing knee.
Does that make me less of a douche in your eyes? Please please tell me you still like me and think I’m cool!
Validate me Erik!! Validate me!!!!!!
MRSA (we pronounce it mersa in the medical community) stands for methicillin-resistant staphylococcus aureus. LORD HAVE MRSA! (Sing it like a Jamaican. It’s real funny.)
You forgot:
– Guy with a rancid Taco Bell bolus decaying in his gut who obliviously passes gas. No, the loud music going through your earpods does not give you stealth powers!
– Creepy frotteurs rubbing all up on you in the crowd. No.
oooh soap box!! also, don’t be that dude that doesn’t have fare and then get in an argument with the driver about your lack of preparation. also, don’t hit me up for money while ON the bus. if I had a bunch of dough to spend, I wouldn’t be on the bus.
I will keep saying Thank You. As a customer service person, I know that being nice is appreciated, no matter how small the gesture.
“NOT GETTING OFF ONE STOP BEFORE OR AFTER YOUR PREFERRED STOP WHEN DOING SO WILL SAVE EVERYONE ELSE TIME’
And what type of ESP do you have? I guess we should all take a vote before each stop and if you don’t have a quorum the bus carries on.
^ …velma, i think the ESP that erik is talking about is called thinking ahead. no velma votes required.
Besides getting off the bus at your unpreferred stop, this is spot on. Especially the conversation seekers, who seem all too often to actually be working an angle–you can just save them the time and effort of befriending you as a stranger by interrupting them to mention that you don’t have any cigarettes.
Yeah, Velma said what I was thinking. How is any given person supposed to know if anyone else is getting off at their stop? Especially true if nobody is allowed to talk to each other or stand by the doors. Basically, we would all sit quietly on the bus, not pulling the cord for our preferred stop because we have no way of knowing if anyone else was also getting off at our stop, and we all just ride the bus stop-free in a big loop all day. The rule doesn’t make any sense. Just get off at whatever stop you want to get off at.
No shit, I’m very fucking glad that motherfucker Erik Henriksen had the fucking balls to call out all the motherfuckers who don’t have a god damn clue how to ride motherfucking bus! In a real city, not an ass-sucking city like Portland, this kind of bullshit in the form of a fucking article would never fly! But we live here in this fucking berg and act like assholes when we fucking get out of our shitty-ass cars to share a vehicle with the fucking mensch! And we act like even bigger assholes when we land a shitty gig fucking writing for a lame-ass fucking weekly!
Now one fucking thing that occurred to me when I was reading Mr. Henricksen’s fucking article is that he really fucking relies on a fuck-ton of curse words to emphasize his points. And in doing that, fucking cursing and shitting out the f-word like he’s a mother-fucking mule who eats too much rye, the god damn asshole is fucking annoying! VERY FUCKING ANNOYINGLY FUCKING ANNOYING!
Geez Erik! Either take a chill pill… or a cyanide tablet. I don’t really care which. I’m not changing how I dress, how I sit, where I stand, being polite, or apologizing for your childish behavior. As a native to the Cascades, this is my home, and if you don’t like it here, you can go back to Boise (Apparently, you’re so Oregonian that you can’t even go to college here?) star in another Napoleon Dynamite movie, and leave us the hell alone. Welcome to Oregon. Enjoy your visit, and leave no trace you were ever here. 🙂
No portland keep up the superficial thank yous that you only mean 10% of the time, because sometimes they actually make a difference. As for me I’ll be the 27 yr old covered in dirt parking his ass down right where the old woman wished she could sit – because I’m fucking tired. If someone TRULY disabled gets on and there is TRULY no seats up front then I move, but do you ever consider that it is demeaning to scamper out of the way anytime someone remotely disabled or elderly gets on? What do you think they are incapable of going one or two seats beyond you? Front of the house seating is still front of the house, even if it is not front row.
As for standing in doors, you forgot one twist; step off the bus, hold the door handle open, let people pass, and get back on. Works for everyone, so stop staring at me as if I’m going to make you crawl over my oversize backpack to get off.
For everyone that is getting their panties in a bunch because Erik is calling out a lot of rudeness and bullshit that happens all the time: that’s the whole point: Portland is supposed to be a place where people are considerate towards each other but somehow they throw that out the window when they’re on the bus. Being “civil towards each other” means being courteous and following basic rules, not putting your head in the sand and saying “no worries” every time someone does something that is making life harder for everyone around them due to their own selfishness. He’s not being un-Portlandlike, he’s calling people out for not being Portland enough. (Except maybe the “Thank You” part – personally I go back and forth between finding it annoying and endearing – I just chalk it up to pure Portland/Oregonian earnestness though. But even if he is cranky, so what, no attitude makes for dull comedy, and this is meant as comedy for everyone ironically telling him to relax)
https://soundcloud.com/tanner-7/bus-flies-…
Ice Prez tellin you what I think of the bus
Getting off a stop before you want to (and then, probably, watching the bus stop anyway at your preferred stop three blocks ahead) is Portland Nice taken to a ridiculous extreme.
Hey, why not just walk home from downtown, then you won’t be delaying anyone at all! (But be sure to run at all crosswalks, otherwise you might delay someone waiting to turn right.)
I must say, as a bus driver of 25 years, I find the apathetic, even unsympathetic comments about the author’s latent approval of your polite ‘thank-you’ on your way out to be surprisingly sad. When you come in the door of my bus that’s when I assess the immediate threat you may pose to me, my passengers, and the public property for which I am responsible. I then have a lawful duty to, “Inspect, inform, and enforce,” the district’s fare and other policies. When you rudely ignore my courteous greeting, or worse, play your lame fare evasion games (all of which I’ve seen many thousands of times before), you set the tone for the service you subsequently receive from me. No, you’re polite, “Thanks,” is not required, but neither is it remembered after you leave. Your loud, vulgar, profane, disruptive, offensive, threatening, rude, unruly, and unlawful behavior will be.
Im gonna strive to break everyone of these rules. Becuase illtake being a public transit goofus than a prentious self righeteous blogger that feels the need to be facist when riding the bus. I hate you writing an article like this and you should be ashamed. I mean seriously. How do you even earn a the priveledge to be this snarky in portland?
Thank you for your piece on the flaws of Portland’s bus riders. I see a series here: You’re Riding Your Bike Wrong, You’re Driving Wrong, You’re Pedestrianing Wrong. I imagine you could keep a whole staff of curmudgeons complaining about other people and their Otherness. I’d be happy to contribute a piece on restaurant etiquette – Quit Taking Your Kids To Bars! – if you’d like. Have you considered changing the name to the Portland Mercurial? This is an idea whats time has come.
Thanks for the big belly laughs. You are the voice inside my head, although I am guilty of the “Thank you” sin–must be the Midwest in me.
This person sucks at being a person. I’ll play with my fucking yo-yo wherever and whenever I want. Who are you to tell me what to do. Is my playing with a yo-yo hurting your fragile sensibilities. Shut your fucking face turd furgeson.
Portland is a city of assholes. They do not ride the bus wrong because they do not know better. They are perfectly aware of how to behave they are just selfish and vulgar and do not give two shits about other people. Ever.
Pointing it out only makes them want to asshole harder.
Fucking Portlandians.
I hate riding the bus here for a lot of the reasons that were mentioned in this article. However, I agree that they are things you have to deal with if you’re traveling via public transit. You have obviously never lived in a big city before. Try remaining in a subway car where a bum is sleeping on the bench and starts spurting out urine all over the place(that’s not even the worst of it)…you’ve apparently never experienced the reality of public transit. Maybe you are just from here and you are upset about how populated Portland is becoming….
I have to admit that I sometimes sit in the outer seat and I put my bag/s beside me on the inside. I usually only do this when there aren’t many people on the bus. If the bus happens to fill up, I am happy to move over. Also, maybe not everyone is familiar with the particular area in which they are traveling….maybe the reason they are on a bus? I’ve never been guilty of not getting off at a stop that I requested but, I can understand it. People make mistakes.
I would suggest that maybe you should find an alternative to riding the bus. I rarely ride the bus or the max unless I have to go out to Gresham or something; I walk or ride my bike almost everywhere…and it’s usually faster than the bus. Or, you could just get used to the fact that people are going to do what they do regardless of how it makes you feel…
So, IS riding your bike wrong next? I really hate people that ride without their hands…or people that speed past you and you end up having to wait for them to turn. Anyway, mostly the no hands thing…how should we resolve that problem? Water balloons? Stuffed animals?
A good friend of mine sent this article to me cause he knows I’m in training to drive one of the buses you-all ride everyday. I can say without reserve the training is intense and robust, the folks involved are committed to the safety of the passengers and those who share the road. A good many drivers join because they want to give something to the community, what could be better than a safe ride home or to work? Last week My trainer honored me with my first passengers and it changed my empty bus into a living extension of my family. There was a father and daughter in the back seat singing a song to each other, an older couple up front discussing the day’s events, a vet headed to OHSU, and many more. Driving a 42ft empty bus is a challenge, you have to constantly scan the ever changing environment just to safely maneuver through the city, and moving that 40 ton behemoth through narrow Portland streets populated with every sort of human activity is a daunting task. Add the passenger component …well, speaking for myself, it raises your level of awareness and degree of concentration way beyond what a normal driver experiences. Yesterday was a milestone for me and my fellow class mates, we passed our CDL exams and are now fully licensed commercial drivers. There are still weeks of road training and safety exercises to go, and then 6 months of probationary driving, every day is an eye opener with respect to the responsibility and dedication of these public servants and the commitment to Portland and its people. So, should you thank the driver? You don’t have to, they go home at the end of every shift tired and fulfilled, but when you do say thanks, it adds that little bit extra an unsolicited package of positive energy, and we can all do with a bit more of that. Cheers, I’ll see you on the bus!
If someone places a book, bag, or hand on an otherwise empty window seat to avoid having someone sit by them, i step over them and sit on the seat. They can choose to move the item or not. Regarding those who insist on talking on the phone on the bus, I have ear plugs or ear buds in. I don’t get why they don’t get that we don’t want to listen to their conversation–but I also ask myself how is talking on the phone different than those who are having a conversation on the bus. Why is one any less uncouth than the other?
Thursday of this week, a man with a valid fare was kicked off Tri-met max train heading east bound at about 3pm-3:30 pm for what we could surmise was an odor problem. If he was indeed escorted of the east bound Max train because of his body odor, was this a legit reason to be escorted of public transportation. What about those who wear too much perfume or cologne—should they be escorted off PUBLIC transportation?
In the words of the lat George Carlin, The only thing wrong with public transportation is the the Public rides it.
To the author–go in peace. Much peace.
They seriously need music on public transportation because riding the max to or from the beaverton direction is one big awkward silence. Say classical to be inoffensive and agreeable to all but the young punks who have yet to contribute shit to anyone or anything.
@ bruce: see how long it takes for you to become the bitch operating the #9 or #19 (?) who hates and punishes all before her.
This one was good–a non-english speaking older asian/middle eastern woman entered the bus and with a faint smile nodded repeatedly at the bus driver as he first by voice and then with the use of his hands using two fingers and and forming a zero with his thumb and the finger next to his thumb. After multiple attempts to convey the fare amount of 2.50 to the non-native speaker he gave up and gave her a free ticket. She smiled as she took the ticket and then took her seat.
Cute. Frankly, I think loud phone-talkers should be shivved and thrown out the back door, problem solved, precisely because using public transportation requires some consideration for fellow human beings. Nobody wants to hear my whole fucking life story on the bus, so I don’t announce that my ongoing thyroid problem makes riding my bike 10 blocks uphill nearly impossible, a torturous prospect guaranteed to leave me unable to get out of bed the next day. No, I pay my $2.50, put my bike on the front, and keep my mouth shut. I practice tolerance toward other riders because I know that I don’t know what their lives are like, and I don’t want to know, so stay off the fucking phone when you’re riding the bus!
So what about the huge jiggly flabby enormous FAT guy who no one can stand or sit anywhere near because he drags around with him a truly offensive green (if it WERE to have a color), all-permeating miasma of overpowering BO and chemical warfare agent strength ancient sour urine stench? I mean, everyones’ eyes and windpipes literally burn while they just try to stay alive until the next stop. Okay, feel sympathy for the poor overweight dude, and tolerate a little human-scent??? NO way. This guy is scary smelling, and you can’t get away from him once he wedges his horrible self directly all over you, jamming you inescapably between the inside of the bus and … well, all of himself. Why do bus drivers let guys like this on in the first place. They are shambling obnoxious health hazards. Oh, and the WORST part is he HAS to be grossly LOUD and CHEERY with threats to “hug” everyone because he thinks he needs to cheer up everyone who is oh so gloomy on the bus! The reason people are so gloomy, Mr Smelly, is because once you’re on the bus, they KNOW they’ll have to burn every bit of their clothing which comes into contact or near contact with you, and then will spend hours in the shower decontaminating after their cut-short, one stop ride with you. … HOSE YOURSELF DOWN ONCE IN A WHILE … and cut the fake cheery business ~ we all know you’re just trying to distract us while at the same time aiming a guilt trip on US for YOUR fetid presence on the bus! We didn’t pay OUR money to be forced to tolerate YOU, you offender of the Geneva Conventions!
So the Mercury is just publishing cranks banging their canes around now? I never thought I would write this, but: Erik, you need to get laid.
Im a bus driver. I would like to see people step back from the curb when the bus pulls up. That way passengers don’t have to strep down off the curb then back onto the bus. The bus needs to fly over a good 3 feet of the curb. Some people think its a big thrill to see how close the bus can get to them when it comes in to service a stop but really it just stresses out the operator. In the end though, its the people of Portlands bus and they can ride it however they want. We’re talking courtesy here and thats something you learn from your parents, not a forum or a sarcastic Mercury article.
A) EVERYTHING YOU SAID IS TRUE
B) BUT have you BEEN to the columbia blvd wastewater treatment plant? BECAUSE IT IS AMAZING. Also I am going to acknowledge that I would way rather go to see a treatment plant than go to great wolf lodge, because I am obviously a joyless old coot.
It sounds like Mr. Henricksen is a literal giant baby walking around throwing temper tantrums about things that do not have any substance. I’m surprised his story was the cover. I could do without his pissy attitude.
Sounds pretty grouchy, but people aren’t usually as bad as he describes. I drive a bus, and I hope Mr. Grouch isn’t a regular on my route. Most people are courteous. If they’re sitting on the aisle and the bus fills up, most times they will move over and make room for someone to sit down. Also, some people have never put a bike on the rack… give ’em a break! I do agree about those who pull the cord and then act innocent when I stop and nobody gets off… very inconsiderate but understandable these days as most people are plugged in and tuned out. Smile, Mr. Grouch… you might just beat the odds and meet an interesting fellow passenger.
Wow. I thought I was an angry guy. This guy takes the cake.
Hey Mr. (or Ms) Bus Etiquette, the most ass-hole of all possible behavior is referring to people as ass-hole. If I new you were on the bus, I would do all of these, maybe even the yo-yo, just to knot your knickers. I guess you think your writing style is hip. It ain’t. It’s just pathetic. Maybe you should save the righteous indignation for something more important.
Thanks for the entertaining rant! I generally love riding the bus — a lifelong Trimet rider and follower of most of these rules. Gotta give the driver a thanks! What a challenging job to tackle! However, I cried as a kid on the bus, had friend who wet his pants as a 4 year old on the bus, and I was unbelievably obnoxious as a teenager, so I figure I probably owe some considerate behavior.
I have one bus route where I have two options to get off, and I’ll get off at the first one if someone pulls the dinger, otherwise wait until the second. Maybe that’s what Erik means for not making bus stop just for me?
And excellent reminder from @Christopher Knox to step back from the curb. I’ve effed that one up. Mostly I just try to not scare the bus driver. Dear lord, how do the MAX drivers handle the people wandering onto the tracks? Scares the shit of out me, and I’m not controlling a giant train.
the image of the guy with the bag on the seat shows him on an empty bus. if the bus is mostly empty, *get over the guy with the bag on the seat*. if it’s crowded, yes, we get it.
second the aisle seat, again the image is of someone on a practically empty bus –THIS IS FINE. i use the aisle seat because sometimes i’m near my stop, i also use it because it’s easier to get out than to climb over someone.
third, standing by the door right before your stop. i have mobility issues, but they aren’t always obvious while i’m standing on a bus, but you’re damn right i stand by the door right before my stop because i have balance issues. you might want to rethink your judgements.
fourth, upstairs is great but going up those stairs on a moving bus is not easy for everyone, second, for short rides it makes no sense. how about this? mind your own business.
And now a word From the Driver Side…
Fromthedriverside.blogspot.com
Not a terrible article, but you don’t impress with overuse of profanity. Expand your vocabulary.
Not a bad article for a college newspaper. Don’t agree with:
NOT GETTING OFF ONE STOP BEFORE OR AFTER YOUR PREFERRED STOP WHEN DOING SO WILL SAVE EVERYONE ELSE TIME
How the fuck am I supposed to know if anyone else is getting off at my stop or not? There is a bus stop for a reason, and I’m going to get off at the one that is closest to my destination. If we all followed this logic, nobody would actually get off a their stop.
My son plays the yoyo and rides the 14th. He is a kid who loves playing the yoyo. He believes you mean to hurt him in the graphic description you have written. you are a pathetic desperate prick.