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GOOD AFTERNOON, PORTLAND! The weather is continuing its "rinse & repeat" cycle with a new heat event starting seemingly every Wednesday—and this Wednesday is no different with temps expected to hop up into the hot mid-90s. Stay cool, baby, stay cool! Now let's cool down with some icy NEWS.


• Don't miss this must-read profile of the Oregon governor's race from Rolling Stone, featuring "independent" "shadow Republican" candidate Betsy Johnson!

• Bad news for Walmart who was slapped with $4.4 million in damages to be paid to a Portland-area Black man who was reportedly profiled by a store employee who then tried to get him arrested on trumped up charges. MAKE A NOTE, RETAILERS!

• Okay, this is fucking terrifying: Deputies say they thwarted a possible mass shooting event at an EDM fest at Washington's Gorge Amphitheater on Friday. Get a load of this quote: "Witnesses saw the man inhale an unknown substance from a balloon and then load two 9mm pistols from the trunk of his car, according to the sheriff's office.Witnesses also told investigators the man put one gun in the waistband of his pants and the other in a holster that was outside his waistband." Luckily the man was stopped, disarmed, and arrested. DEAR GOD.

• The beloved Oaks Park Skating Rink has instituted a controversial new policy: All kids 17 and under must be accompanied by a chaperone during their open skate sessions, due to recent teen-induced violence. (If forced chaperones were around when I was a kid, I would've never worked up the nerve to kiss Shirley Fortenberry next to the foosball table.)

• Congrats to deserving comedian Shain Brenden who battled through weeks of prelims to take home the crown of Portland's Funniest Person! Our Suzette Smith was on the scene and files this report on all the hilarity.

• Let's dig in, trash lovers! It's time for another week of gossip and fun with THE TRASH REPORT by our Elinor Jones. This week: Manchin is a pen fetishist, the two Taylor Lautners, and... hey fellas! The Gilmore Girls are single again!  


• In an attempt to slow the steamrolling events following the FBI search of Mar-a-Lago, Trump is begging a judge to appoint a "special master" to review every one of the documents that he'd stolen from the White House. Meanwhile the judge who approved the search warrant in the first place has spoken up to say that there was "probable cause that evidence of multiple federal crimes would be found" at the estate.

• Sounds about right: "ICE officials under Trump told to wipe phones when leaving agency."

• At long last, and after serving his country for five decades, Dr. Anthony Fauci announced that he plans to retire from the federal government in December.

• A federal judge has indicated that he is likely to block a wildly restrictive Idaho abortion ban set to kick off this week. The DOJ has been arguing that the near-total ban violates the law requiring "doctors to provide the emergency medical treatment necessary to stabilize anyone who comes into an emergency room."

• If you want to be freaked the fuck out, turn up the volume:

 • And finally... here's your Jurassic Park porn of the day.