Hello, and welcome to another edition of The Trash Report! 'Tis I, Elinor Jones, here to tell you that some are born trash, some achieve trash, and others have trash injected straight into their eyeholes—which is my job today. Yeah, I can quote Shakespeare. I can also make my armpits fart. Your friend Elinor contains multitudes. Let’s go!
Inflation Reduction zzzzzzz
President Joe Biden last week signed the Inflation Reduction Act into law. It's very exciting that the United States might actually be making a legitimate attempt to salvage our dying planet and I wish the bill was named something cooler, like Operation Planet Rescue or America's Pledge to Fight the Sun. I think better branding could have made it easier for West Virginia senator and coal shill Joe Manchin to have got on board earlier. Manchin's eventual support for the (shudder) IRA got him an invite to the bill's signing ceremony at the White House, and he even got to keep the pen.
.@POTUS reaches out to give Sen. Joe Manchin, https://t.co/OPM6ArM7DE. the pen after signing into law H.R. 5376, the Inflation Reduction Act of 2022, in the State Dining Room of the White House. pic.twitter.com/ImbuwKxFOO— Doug Mills (@dougmillsnyt) August 16, 2022
Look how excited Manchin is about the pen! Yayyyyyyyyyyy, clapping the coal dust off his hands. Has anyone considered that maybe Manchin just really likes pens? Let's promise him pens for other shit he's blocking. Like, what if Chuck Schumer signs a rule abolishing the filibuster with one of those sexy pens where if you flip it over a bikini top comes off?
Sidebar: I spent some time trying to figure out the proper name for those pens and feel into a rabbit hole of Amazon reviews and I'm dying:
Eat Vegetables < Eat the Rich
The Pennsylvania senate race between John Fetterman and Dr. Oz continues to delight the nation as Dr. Oz can't stop himself from tripping over his obscene wealth. First, a video went viral of Dr. Oz grocery shopping for "crudités" where he selected a single head of broccoli, a bunch of asparagus, like 90 lbs of carrots, salsa, and guacamole.
Can anyone confirm that a Fetterman plant isn't actually running Oz's social media accounts? Because how else would it seem like a good idea to try to appeal to the common man by stocking up for that classic salt-of-the-earth snack, asparagus and salsa? Mmmmmm! John Fetterman deftly capitalized on the blunder. Actually, it wasn't super deft. It was just a simple fact:
Who thought this was a good idea pic.twitter.com/dj5nz7vB1W— umichvoter 🏳️🌈 (@umichvoter) August 15, 2022
The real winner of this is the Fetterman campaign, which has raised $500,000 since the cringe and now sells stickers that say "Let them eat crudités," as well as all the rest of us, who now know how to pronounce crudités.
Some completely bonkers news out of the entertainment industry for a certain type of person who is approximately my age with my interests and cultural touchstones: both Gilmore Girls (Lauren Graham and Alexis Bledel) have recently ended their long-term relationships and will re-emerge on the dating scene, compelling a certain type of paramour to convince themselves that they've got a shot with Rory and/or Lorelai. (I know who you are, and you don't have a chance.)
alexis bledel and lauren graham both ending longterm relationships within weeks of each other is big "where you lead i will follow" energy— Cole Delbyck (@coledelbyck) August 18, 2022
Sharkboy and Lava Girl's Taylor Lautner is engaged to marry a woman named Taylor Dome, and they have confirmed that Dome will take Lautner's last name, making them both Taylor Lautner. Obviously they have to name any future children Taylor, just to commit to the bit. Then—stick with me—let's all hope that baby Taylor grows up to marry the spawn of The Dandy Warhols' Courtney Taylor-Taylor, resulting in a living person named Taylor Taylor-Taylor. Bookmark this joke and let's check back in 30 years, mkay?
We should all hope our family complications are only as tricky as all sharing the same name, and not this absolute headscratcher of a conundrum:
We’ve all been there pic.twitter.com/t2PKPatLqJ— Michael Schaub (@michaelschaub) August 16, 2022
Amy's response was "It is not fair for you to imply that this is a primary way for your granddaughter to love you. It is one way for her to love you, but it is not the only way." WRONG! Cut that girl out of your will, not because she's not doing something you'd like her to do, but because if she's not using the internet for looking at cats she's probably using it to look up how to make bombs. She's dangerous. Get away from her.
Oregon > Washington
Score another point for Oregon in our longstanding (but friendly!) feud with our northern neighbors in Washington after an absolutely fucking gigantic and terrifying moth was discovered near Seattle. Look at this bitch:
A University of Washington professor reported what officials believe is the first confirmed detection of the Atlas moth in the country. The moth has a wingspan of up to 10 inches. https://t.co/zk9ryMElBe— The Seattle Times (@seattletimes) August 19, 2022
It looks like a flying uterus with snake heads where the ovaries should be, and that is not a compliment! The Atlas moth is one of the world's largest moths and normally only lives in tropical climates, so let's hope that Operation Planet Rescue works because I will not go outside if it means sharing space with one of these fuckers.
My apologies for the new nightmare fodder, and you're welcome for the rest of the great trash I've shared. I'm off to court a Gilmore Girl or buy myself this shirt, depending on what is easier:
See ya next time! Love always,