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GOOD AFTERNOON, PORTLAND! Looking for the perfect gift (for someone else or yourself)? Welllllll, how about giving 'em tickets to see the 2023 edition of the HUMP! film festival or the triumphant return of the Undisputable Geniuses of Comedy—featuring the best of the best of Portland's talented stand-up scene all on one stage? People usually hate your presents, but they will LOVE this! Now allow me to furnish your ticket... to the NEWS.

IN LOCAL NEWS:

• Mayor Wheeler is currently enjoying flexing his muscles with a surge of homeless sweeps (even though there aren't enough places for people to go), most recently sweeping 19 campsites from the Central Eastside following the panicked pleas of Salt & Straw's co-founder, Kim Malek, after an RV caught on fire near their headquarters, and an employee was allegedly threatened with a gun. (Just spit-ballin', but what if the city swept the entirety of Eastmoreland whenever a businessperson or two broke the law? We can dream can't we?)

• No longer pretending he's a nice guy who just wants the best for his community, Mayor Wheeler is also considering a plan where he would force homeless people into hospitals for perceived mental health issues, even if they have not committed a crime. He floated the idea in front of a receptive audience of businesspeople, who applauded the fact that annoying "civil rights" will no longer get in the way of selling overpriced office space and perfume-flavored ice cream.

• A Cleveland High School student was shot outside the high school today, but his injuries were not life-threatening according to Portland Public Schools. Police currently have no suspects.

• Hellooooo, trash lovers! It's time for another delicious, garbage-filled edition of THE TRASH REPORT from Elinor Jones. This week: Kyrsten Sine-UGH, Wheeler's un-common sense, and the joke's on Johnny Knoxville! 🦝 

IN NATIONAL/WORLD NEWS:

• A massive (and nasty) winter storm that could even include tornadoes is heading toward middle America, with four feet of snow already burying the Sierra Nevada mountains. Millions of people are expected to be affected.

• Gross, overpaid comedian Dave Chappelle invited gross, overpaid billionaire Elon Musk to the stage during his Saturday night show (which also featured gross, overpaid misogynist Chris Rock) and the Twitter boss was met with what one attendee called, “more boos than I’d ever heard” adding that it was "sustained jeering." Too bad, so sad! 🤷‍♂️

• Speaking of assholes, Elon Musk (the asshole) is threatening to phase out Twitter's “legacy” blue checkmarks, calling the way they were originally rolled out, "corrupt and nonsensical.” (And here I thought "corrupt and nonsensical" was his fave business model.)

• Well, goddammit... RIP, composer Angelo Badalamenti, who was best known for his haunting Twin Peaks theme and collabs with director David Lynch, and has died at the age of 85.

• And finally... this is a good reminder that we need to bring back the "Kick Me" sign.