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GOOD AFTERNOON, PORTLAND! Curious about how other people like to have their SEX? Then let's find out! Take the Mercury's super fun SEX SURVEY, and then we'll know how Portlanders do it, to whom they do it with, and the manner in which they DO IT. Now let's do it to it to some NEWS.


• Anti-law gun lovers got the smack-down today when the Oregon Court of Appeals refused to entertain a patently ridiculous declaration from gun owners in Columbia County that state and federal firearm laws simply don't apply to them. This is also baaaaad news for the more than 1,900 counties across the nation who also plan on labeling themselves "Second Amendment Sanctuaries." (Somewhat unrelated, but just wanted to note The Cult's song "She Sells Sanctuary" is such a banger.)

• Because he has such high regard for human life, new Commissioner Rene Gonzalez has put a stop to employees of public safety bureaus (including Portland Street Response) handing out tents and tarps to houseless people... in freezing weather. He claims it's to prevent fires from those trying to warm themselves... in freezing weather... but we know what he really means, because he's already made it clear on several occasions. 

• Turns out that the state of Montana and some fuel industry folks are really mad at Portland, and are SUING us for the crime of... *checks notes*... not wanting to be the victim of an ecological disaster on par with what JUST happened in East Palestine, Ohio. They claim that banning exploding trains won't reduce our usage of fossil fuels, and it's violating interstate commerce rules—but my dudes, WE REALLY JUST DON'T WANT TO DIE. 

• Find out the hottest music news and shows that are coming over the horizon with Jenni Moore's HEAR IN PORTLAND. This week: Bocha's new album "DIY" centers self-reliance (and smoking weed), Omari Jazz and Kiefer co-headline at PDX Jazz Fest, and London-based R&B singer-songwriter Ella Mai returns for our hearts.


• The white supremacist who murdered 10 people in a Buffalo grocery store has been sentenced to life in prison without the possibility of parole. Relatives and friends of the victims expressed in painful terms how the man's racist, deadly actions has affected their lives. 

• Because he cares so much about the "rule of law," former Veep (and mama's boy) Mike Pence says he will fight the subpoena that would force him to testify in the federal Trump investigations—all the way to the Supreme Court, if necessary! (Apparently he's already forgotten that Trump literally tried to get him killed.)

• Oh, well here's something unexpected: In the weeks prior to the January 6 domestic terrorist attack on the nation's capitol, a police officer was feeding information to Proud Boys leader Enrique Tarrio about internal law enforcement strategies and techniques. 

• Republicans (and some Dems) are pushing hard to get President Biden to divulge more info on the spate of UFOs that have been recently shot down by the military. However, the White House is reticent to get people even more fired up, especially as investigations into the incidents continue and information is scant. (In short, they were balloons. Why are you getting freaked out by balloons?)

• RIP celebrated actor (and your Grandpa's most favorite poster girl) Raquel Welch, who has died at the age of 82.

• And finally... just in case you need this!