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Good morning, Portland! Just call me Steven Tyler in the Aerosmith song from Armageddon, cuz I don't wanna miss a thing—and I don't want you to, either. So let's talk about the news!

IN LOCAL NEWS:

• Oregon Governor Tina Kotek held a press conference yesterday where she laid out the $$ her office will use to address the state's homelessness crisis, with the pot being split amongst counties who need it the most. Combining the funding allocated for Multnomah, Clackamas, and Washington counties, the Portland area will be getting about $30 million in assistance. That's a whole lotta scratch; I hope it works.

• Not to forget Portland's co-crisis, drug addiction, here's are a bunch of stories about the abandoned office building at SW 4th and Washington that has turned into a fentanyl market. Mayor Ted Wheeler has ordered 24/7 police presence at the location to deter drug dealing. Reporter Blair Best at KGW yesterday ran this very sad piece about a father trying to find his addict son in the area. If you want more context on the situation, last month the Willamette Week wrote about the derelict property, which is owned by a millionaire Barry Menashe who—wait for it—is not paying the taxes he owes on it! Shock me shock me shock me with that deviant behavior.

• Holy moly, those two bullet points in a row were depressing AF! One would think Portland actually is dying, which of course, it is not. Would a dying city have such a dynamo PIZZA WEEK just around the corner? It's true! Get the tums ready; the amazing pizza deals start on April 17th.

• As a native Oregonian, my instinct is to be like "this rain is fine!" but it's actually not fine: the relentless wetness caused a landslide over NB I-5 near Woodland, Washington. Nobody was hurt but two cars were damaged, presumably to the seats of the vehicles, from everybody pooping their pants from getting hit by a freaking landslide.

• Busy day at work? Too bad. The Oregonian combed through all Multnomah county pet registrations and has compiled a list of the best pet names, which you must read

• The Oregon Zoo announced the birth of a little baby bontebok whose very existence in the year 2023 is amazing: apparently (I knew none of this until 5 minutes ago) the bontebok is an antelope-like creature native to Africa which were nearly wiped out completely by Dutch colonists, and in 1837 there were only 17 left, at which point some farmers surrounded them with a fence, and because bontebok can't jump very high, they were saved! Incredible! Congratulations on making it to the 21st century, little buddy. I'm so glad you get to share a timeline with Succession

• Do you want to read more silly things? You should read this week's Trash Report! (Is it wrong to self-link in the news roundup? I don't care; frankly it's shocking I'm as reserved as I am.)

IN NATIONAL/INTERNATIONAL NEWS:

Leaked Pentagon documents regarding the war in Ukraine is one of those stories that is not very sexy to my ears, but seems like something we really should be following, so let's all try to be slightly better versions of ourselves and pay attention there, okay? 

• Related: Egypt just got busted for trying to sell rockets to Russia in secret as to "avoid problems with the West." It maybe didn't actually happen, but it's still not a good look for our alleged strong ally in the middle east. Like, come on, Egypt. I thought we were friends.

• Tennessee state rep. Justin Jones was reinstated to his seat following his expulsion from the house for daring to stand with people standing against gun violence. Journalist Judd Legum wrote a lengthy Twitter thread about how the Tennessee house leader who's expelling people willy nilly for violating "rules of decorum" is himself violating the state's constitution by not even living in his district. Fuck around, meet find out. 

• Republicans are frustrated that Trump is, yet again, dominating the headlines ahead of next year's presidential election. "It feels like 2016," they lament. And yet they give him attention. As does the press. Hey, we're all trying to find the guy who did this, wrote I, a member of the press.

• Good news about keeping on those extra pounds: a new study finds that once people reach a certain age, weight loss is worse for your health, not better. So keep on living your best life. There's a reason the phrase "fat and happy" exists. :D

• In sports news:

• A Chinese bowl recently sold at auction for over $25 million. Hey, some people just really like bowls.

On that note, I'm off to decide what to do with my tens of millions of dollars. My options are 1) solve homelessness or 2) buy a single bowl. I'll keep ya posted!