Hello, my perfect angel trash pandas! It's me, Elinor Jones, reporting live from the dumpster with this here latest Trash Report. I hope you've got your trash compactors set to their most extreme setting, because we've got a lot to talk about!

Real Estate, She Wrote

In yet another example of why I need to be rich, the Los Angeles home of the late actress Angela Lansbury is on the market, and it's so beautiful I could cry. Imagine all the crimes you could solve from that sun-drenched living room! It's not clear from the listing if the large portrait of Lansbury seen hanging in the dining room is included with the purchase price of $5 million, but if not, and I somehow immediately become a millionaire and can buy this house, I would immediately commission another. And then probably also a portrait of myself as well which I would hang on the opposite wall, so our painted selves could be forever locked in conversation about mysteries, which are basically just gossip in a fancy coat and hat.

Wealth is truly wasted on the rich: While the the mega-wealthy could be quietly living in serene Southern California oases belonging to Hollywood royalty, instead they are purchasing influence on the Supreme Court by way of buying lavish gifts for Justice Clarence Thomas. Apparently Justice Thomas has been rolling in luxury trips, art, and... a statue of his 8th grade teacher?

If that 8th grade teacher is still alive they probably feel very weird about this! For his part, Justice Thomas said in a statement that the gifts were just "personal hospitality" and I wonder if his insurrectionist wife Ginni Thomas is going to also claim that her support of the January Six'ers was personal hospitality as well? Couldn't everything be called personal hospitality if it comes from a person? 

What's Diddy Up To?

If you're 30 or over you probably have really strong memories of when Diddy (then known as Puff Daddy) was fuckin everywhere. Remember that? He was dating JLo and both of them always looked like they were going to the gym AND the club, in the same outfits, in a way that was very cool and new. He was at the top of the charts for "I'll Be Missing You," his ballad to Biggie. In addition to Biggie, another thing he was "missing" was permission from Sting to boost the hook from the song "Every Breath You Take," and even now Diddy is paying Sting $5,000 per day for the oversight. That's close to $2 million per year. To put this into perspective: It would take Sting only two-and-a-half years to earn enough from Diddy to buy Angela Lansbury's house. Look, I know I need to move on from this—but I can't.

Rare Kossip

I usually don't talk about the KarJenners in this column because they get a lot of press anyway and I want to focus on important stuff... like what Diddy is up to. However, I saw a piece of gossip so shocking and, frankly, fucked up, that I had to make some space: Gossip hero Deux Moi recently posted the suggestion that the youngest Jenner, Kylie, is now dating... Timothée Chalamet! What?!! This coming days after Kendall Jenner was spotted horseback riding with Bad Bunny on a single horse, and if all of this was orchestrated by reality puppeteer Kris Jenner, then brava to her, and yes I will go to Coachella to try to catch a glimpse of either bizarre couple. And as I write that I am having to accept that Kris was probably hired to drum up extra publicity for Coachella and is doing so by floating these relationship rumors about her daughters, and now I'm sad and disappointed in Coachella, and in Timothée Chalamet, but mostly, in myself.

Super Barbie Bros

A trailer for the new Barbie movie came out, gently stepping on all of our necks in the absolute best way. I look forward to making this my personality for the next several months. Memeable character posters immediately went viral, and the Oregon Coast Aquarium has been doing the lord's work with them:

With the Barbie movie coming out soon and then the Super Mario Bros. movie's release last week, I'm trying to think if there's any intellectual property from my childhood that hasn't yet been turned into a movie. I'm sure the board games Dream Phone and Operation must be in early meetings, if not already locked in a streaming deal. My daughter is so lucky that all of her toys are already based off shows, so she doesn't have to experience the disorientation of a voice you've only imagined in your head being cast as a celebrity everyone's a little bit sick of.

Local Trash

Not local-local, but closer to Portland than the estate of the late Angela Lansbury: A man was arrested in downtown Roseburg last week for cutting limbs off trees and also unlawfully trimming some shrubs. This KATU piece about the arrest does not have enough information! Namely WHY. Why was he trimming the trees and shrubs? Was he a good samaritan who was trying to help his community by trimming trees that were dangling into a wheelchair accessible parking space, or perhaps blocking a crosswalk? Or was he an adult orphan of beloved parents who were killed by a falling tree limb, and this was his revenge? Or was he cosplaying as character actor William H. Macy who was also recently accused of trimming the wrong trees, in his case, those of his neighbor? These are the only three options, and I shall never be convinced otherwise.

Okay, that's all you get for now! I hope your journey into this week is as cool and chill as this toad riding a snake: