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Good morning, Portland! I made you breakfast. I hope you like it. It's...t he news. Grab a spoon and pull up a chair. Shake this box and you'll even find a prize! The prize is more news. Yummy yummy!

In Local News

• A beloved television news personality is leaving his post. (If you're looking for commentary about T——- C——— or D— L—— please scroll down to the National News section.) Local veteran news guy Wayne Garcia is leaving his anchor gig at KPTV after two decades. The Oregonian said that his tenure has included such hits as "riots, earthquakes, mud slides, and more" which is accurate for Oregon news, but would also make a great title for Oregon's tell-all memoir. 

• KATU reported on the current list of derelict properties in Portland that are deemed unsafe to enter by the Fire Department. Not to sound like the Monopoly man, but my house is not on the list. 

• The State of Oregon is finally filling the long-vacant Legislative Equity Officer's seat: she's named Bor Yang and we swiped her from Vermont. According to our buddy Dirk VanderHart at OPB, Yang's position will oversee harassment and discrimination and other things that seem very complex and hard. I've never been to Vermont, but its vibes are top-notch, so this can only be good news for us here. Welcome, Bor! Make us better!

•  Nike's Phil Knight has pledged $400 million to Black Portlanders, which is very nice of him to do, especially in the wake of a certain Portland commissioner (hint, hint: Mingus Mapps) attempting to not to give money to Black Portlanders. Knight's contribution will go to the 1803 Fund, which aims to boost art and education services in North and Northeast Portland. Courtney's got the whole scoop here; click through if you want to be smart.

• Oh this story sucks so much: The search is on for a dog that has attacked at least one human and one other dog in SE Portland. The dog is now in hiding with its owner. Leash your dogs, people! Do you know how expensive vet care is? I sure do, and my dog would straight under a UPS truck if I let her, so please let's not add additional challenges.

• Get your sunglasses ready: we are three days away from straight up balmy weather and the sunglasses will protect you from the glare from pale, pale legs of fellow Portlanders that have not seen the sun for several months. 

In National/International News

Joe Biden has announced that he is officially running for reelection. Welp. Okay.

• The newsiest news of the past two days has been literally the news: Tucker Carlson was unceremoniously set free by Fox News, and Don Lemon was cut by CNN. It's been super funny how breathlessly Fox and CNN covered the other's staffing woes, trying to be all "wow look at this fuckin' mess over here! Sucks to be that news channel!"

• Montana lawmaker Zooey Zephyr has been silenced by the state's legislative body for the second week, which has had the glorious effect of raising her voice and garnering national attention to her cause. Protesters have been gathering outside the state's capitol to demand that she be able to speak against bans on gender-affirming care for trans youth. Silencing dissent which has the effect of amplifying dissent is what's known in the biz as a "stepping-on-a-rake" strategy, and Republicans love it. 

• Big box retailer Bed, Bath & Beyond filed for bankruptcy protections yesterday, making me wonder if they should have had a better business plan than just making their stores really welcoming for stoned college students to sit in massage chairs without any intention of ever buying anything. (Not that I'd know.)

• North Dakota's governor just signed one of the nation's strictest anti-abortion plans into law. Virtually no abortions will be legal after the six-week point in a pregnancy, which is usually mere days after a pregnant person realizes they're pregnant. Anti-abortion laws: putting the "NO" in North Dakota! (I'm sorry, I don't know how to make this blurb funny. It's horrific.)

• The situation is Sudan is very tense and scary. Foreigners are trying to leave, Sudanese people are trying to figure out how to stay safe amid the violence.

• RIP Harry Belafonte! The legendary singer passed away today at the ripe old age of 96

• That's all for now! Whatever you do today, do it in a way that makes people want to say nice things about you when you die. Also, please enjoy this tweet about a dog: