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Good Morning, Portland! WELL, IT’S GOING TO BE BEAUTIFUL TODAY. I hope you’re happy! (Because I want you to be happy.) Highs of 83 today, and then we have low 80s high 70s until Monday—when the rains begin again in earnest! I weirdly used to have “as darkness runs its fingers over the face of a mountain” as a nickname in one of my circles, but now I think I should ask them to change that to “when the rains begin again in earnest.” Anyway, in earnest, here’s the news!
IN LOCAL NEWS:
• River enjoyers, floaters, and boaters, take heed. There’s some stuff in the Sandy River between Oxbow Regional Park and Dabney State Recreation Area! News alerts about things like loose logs (or in this case a river current change) hold a special place in my heart; I wish we lived in so smooth a world where this was the News news, instead of the greater fuckery that lives rent free in our minds—war, injustice, Drake releasing three albums at one time. But since today is going to be 83 degrees, you might want to know about these logs! Multnomah County Sheriff’s Office River Patrol (MCSORP?) has issued a stern warning!
• Portland City Council met thrice this week to make amendments to Mayor Keith Wilson’s proposed budget, attempting to address at $160 million budget gap. On Wednesday, a nearly 12 hour meeting saw everything from the passage of funding for a new data privacy office, movement away from programs that displace of homeless people, and more tree planting and restoration funding. Most amendments ended in a 6-6 tie as the city’s moderate block—colloquially known as the “Mod Squad”—stopped most amendments that came forward, even those addressing issues they said they supported. Fireworks came when Councilor Loretta Smith disrupted her District 1 colleague Council President Jamie Dunphy, who held the floor during a discussion to fund a project Smith has long supported. It’s unclear why Smith opposed the $2.5 million in funding for Black community-led housing, but an ordinance she brought next week will come from social housing funds, rather than the business license tax. It’s wonky, but the tensions were palpable. Overall, what happened? Check out the play by play from the Mercury weirdos who watched it all.—JEREMIAH HAYDEN
• Today in OH, THAT’S CONFUSING, Providence Health Plan plans to stop offering health insurance next year. Providence, the hospital system, plans to keep exchanging health care for insurance, but it seems that the big ol’ company also had a hospital-owned health insurance plan, which is… Oregon’s third-largest health insurer. (FUCK! [scrambles with wallet, somehow becomes caught in tote bag straps]) The Oregonian‘s Kristine de Leon reports the plan’s plan is to stop renewing employer group plans, as contracts expire, but continue to honor existing agreements. Aand Providence Health Plan employs nearly 1,200 people across six states, including 878 in Oregon. Oooof.
• Today in another angry memo about alleged infractions by Councilor Sameer Kanal, the president of the Portland Police Association (PPA) sent out some HOT EMAILS to top city administrative staff this week, complaining that Kanal was exerting “overt bias and manipulation of the CBPA” over the city’s new Community Board for Police Accountability (CBPA). For the Mercury, news editor Courtney Vaughn points out that Kanal previously worked as a project manager for the Police Accountability Commission–the precursor to the CBPA. And PPA has a long history of complaining about the city’s police accountability groups.
• Did anyone else walk by the Hawthorne Theatre recently and think “GZA? That has to be some other GZA.” WELL, IT WAS GZA. (FUCK! [scrambles with wallet, somehow becomes caught in ancient earbud cords]) Thank goodness the Mercury‘s Holly Hazelwood went to report back on all the cool shit we missed.
• If you don’t want to be the dingus who didn’t know that was actually really GZA up there on the marquee, get your nose into this week’s installment of Mercury Music Picks—bringing you the cunt-ryest hoedowns, the tuffest mostpits, and the most serene guitar work you’ve ever heard.
• Now I personally thought a press release titled “Oregon State Fire Marshal Finalizes Defensible Space Model Code” was going to be about an OUTER space model code, but I am admittedly a little sleep deprived. It’s actually about folks keeping their homes slightly more secure from wildfires. The somewhat sci-fi sounding report represents, according to a release from Oregon State Fire Marshal, “a multi-year effort directed by the Oregon Legislature to give communities clear, research-based guidelines for increasing wildfire resiliency.” Click here to learn more about creating defensible space 💫 🪐 around your home.
• If you’re trying to tell me you miss the Starbucks at 2803 E Burnside, you’re a fucking LIAR. But I do recognize that all the other coffee shops around there have really long lines. So WE DO NEED another coffeeshop in Kernside. I’m not a fan of calling th intersection of E Burnside and 28th “Kernside,” but I am a fan of Roseline Coffee, who are moving into that empty storefront.
• Sometimes while browsing through our sister publication The Stranger I come across the best thing I’ve ever seen in my life. Right now that’s “The Seattle Opera Hosted Its First Official Furry Night,” by West Smith.
IN NATIONAL / INTERNATIONAL NEWS:
• Looking at world news, oh my god is the US trying to wage war on yet another country? The Justice Department announced charges on Wednesday against Raúl Castro, the 94-year-old former president of Cuba, accusing him of murder and a conspiracy to kill American citizens stemming from the fatal downing 30 years ago of two planes over waters off the coast of his country.
The indictment, issued in Federal District Court in Miami, was an extraordinary escalation of the Trump administration’s multifaceted pressure campaign against Cuba’s Communist government at a moment when President Trump has been seeking to topple it.
The charges brought to bear on Mr. Castro, the brother of Fidel Castro, the vast powers of the U.S. criminal justice system, saddling him with a possible maximum penalty of life in prison. They also raised the possibility that the United States could be paving the way for its military to remove him from the country through a means similar to how U.S. Special Operations forces used an indictment against Nicolás Maduro, the former leader of Venezuela, to swoop into Caracas in a brazen operation in January and capture him.
• As Republicans in Congress try to find a way to fund Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) and Border Patrol for the rest of Trump’s term, there’s a sizable snag in their progress—it’s that big fucking ballroom the president wants to build! A plan to add $1 billion in security funds for Trump’s White House ballroom project is so unpopular that several Republican senators told the New York Times they could not vote for it. Adding to the Republicans woes is the president’s $1.7 billion settlement fund he is scheduled to receive from the IRS who embarrassingly caved after Trump sued them in retaliation for a former employee leaking his (and his sons’) tax returns. The billion dollar slush fund is expected to primarily benefit his criminal cronies (such as the January 6 terrorists) in what the administration is unbelievably calling “reparations.” May each of these people eat their own in the most horrible way.
• At long last the Democratic National Committee chair, Ken Martin, is releasing the autopsy report on the 2024 presidential election that left us with… you know… that guy. Martin has been buried alive with scorn from the Dems after he promised to release the report last year, and then reversed course in December 2025. Martin apologized for the delay, with the caveat that, when you see the report, YOU WILL NOT BE HAPPY WITH IT. “I am releasing the report as we received it, in its entirety, unedited and unabridged,” he said in a statement. “It does not meet my standards, and it won’t meet your standards, but I am doing this because people need to be able to trust the Democratic Party and trust our word.” Fine, release the damn report, because honestly? Almost nothing the Democrats have done in the last decade has met my standards, sooooooo… I’m kinda used to it.—WM. STEVEN HUMPHREY
• The only thing more shocking to me than the sudden, growing quality of Bureau of Transportation TikToks is the sudden “I guess it’s tinsel town?” quality of Los Angeles DSA videos:
