Hi, everyone! Iâm sincerely glad youâre taking time to read this biweekly documentation of one womanâs descent into madness. But weâre not dead... so thatâs... something? Every day weâre not dead is one more middle finger to all those yahoos in charge. Hey, yahoos! Weâre still here! Yes, âhereâ might be a large pillow fort containing nothing but our weeping earthly beings and a jar of frosting, but that doesnât matter. Weâre here, and weâre gonna give it our best shot.
Sweet, Sweet Fantasy, Baby
Letâs start off with a juicy scenario involving MATH and TAXES! Hubba hubba! Okay, so remember Ja Rule? He voiced the less-good parts of his chart-topping 2001 single featuring Ashanti, âAlways on Time.â Mr. Rule has had some trouble with the law in recent years, because you know what wasnât always on time? His taxes. (Zing!) He was sentenced to 28 months in 2011 for failing to pay $1.1 million to Uncle Sam. In related news, an in-depth piece in the New York Times last week revealed that the overripe pumpkin currently serving as our nationâs president (even though he lost the popular vote by 2,864,974 votes) was sneakily gifted $413 million by his father to fund his tacky â80s and â90s business ventures. Hereâs some math: If that $413 million was taxed as wages, and we assume a 35 percent tax rate, Trump should have paid around $144 million on it. Following the tax-evasion-to-time-in-jail ratio established by Ja Rule, Trump should serve 306 years in jail for this con alone. Never gonna happen, of course, but isnât it a nice thought? 306 years. Mmm.
Whoâs NOT Kidnapping?
American Ambassador to the European Clurb Scene Lindsay Lohan is in the news again for something real, real bad. Like wayyyyy worse than the clip of her dancing (?) in Greece. (Please Google this if you havenât already; it is insane. But not as insane as this next part.) LiLo tried to kidnap two Syrian refugee children who were living on the street with their mom. She put the whole bad idea on Instagram, as if it demonstrated something altruistic. Itâs super messed up! That said, itâs a little hard to throw stones from here in America, where we currently have 13,000 immigrant children locked up in cages, including children that we forcibly separated from their parents. The New York Times reported recently that the children are being shuffled about in the dead of night and relocated to tent cities near the Mexico border. Hereâs some more math for you: The United States government is effectively doing what was merely attempted by the equivalent of 6,500 LiLos.
Bros in Different Area Codes
Brett Kavanaugh never physically touched me, but the twists and turns of his hearings have done some pretty major damage to my life and mental health. I love the phrase âitâs all downhill from here!â because it can be used to mean that things can only get easier, or things are getting much, much worse. In my last column I had a little bit of hope that in the hours between my deadline and our paper hitting the streets, something good would happen. I no longer feel that way. Weâre on a downhill-in-a-bad-way trajectory, with no signs of slowing. Iâll bet that by the time youâre holding this sleek alt-biweekly, youâll be doing so while standing on the burning embers of our republic. In addition to ruining important things, like our cherished democratic institutions and my brain, confirmed Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh is also ruining stuff I enjoy saying, such as âI like beerâ and âweâre loud, obnoxious drunks with prolific pukers among us.â Now what am I supposed to lead my Thanksgiving toast with?!
And who did those darlings at Saturday Night Live use to portray Kavanaugh? Why, none other than Matt Damon, a man whoâd stood by Harvey Weinstein through the 1990s and tried to wash his hands of Weinsteinâs crimes with a âI knew I wouldnât want him married to anyone close to me. But that was the extent of what we knew, you know?â Just because Damon is a square-jawed white guy who can do an impression of another square-jawed white guy doesnât mean we forgot. In this very same episode, Ariana Grandeâs fiancĂ© Pete Davidson joked about hiding her birth control pills so he could impregnate her against her will. Jesus Christ, SNL! Whatâs the matter with you?! Read the goddamn room! Now, we may be tempted to forgive them, because Awkwafina was the following weekâs host and sheâs the beeâs kneesâbut did anyone else notice her Instagram of the showâs host and musical guest roster? How her name was nestled in between two white male hosts (Adam Driver and Seth Meyers) and that the three musical guests for those episodes are also all men? I noticed. Iâm not sure how everyone came to rely on SNL for the best, sharpest take on whateverâs happening in American culture (thatâs what this column is for!) but theyâre doing a bad job.
Grab Your Passport and My Hoof
According to the Oregonian, Alaska Airlines has revised its rules on service and support animals and ALL FLIGHTS WILL NOW INCLUDE MINIATURE HORSES! Hang on, I only skimmed the article, lemme double check that.... Okay, Iâm back, and Iâve got an unfortunate clarification: Theyâll only allow miniature horses that are trained service animals. However! The article also says that an average of 150 service animals fly Alaska every day. So theyâre saying thereâs a chance!
Speaking of beloved small things appearing in unlikely places, Mischa âMarissa Cooperâ Barton will be on The Hills when it reboots next year! Putting her on the roster along with original players like Heidi, Spencer, Audrina, and Justin Bobby doesnât make a ton of sense, but itâs a genius move on MTVâs part because I am now guaranteed to watch this show. Is she still wearing those flouncy little skirts and riding Ferris wheels? Am I imagining this as a Marissa Cooper flashback spin-off and not a sad cash-grab by a bunch of has-beens?? I donât care! Californiiiiaaaaaaaa! Here I coooooooooooooome! Actually, Iâm also excited to see what Heidi and Spencer have to say, because if theyâre still peddling healing crystals, I am There. For. It. Shiny rocks with special powers seem as logical a tool as any to get us out of this mess. (Except for voting, of course. The voter registration deadline for Oregon is October 16! Do it!)
The Last Word
The days are getting shorter, but they seem so much longer, donât they? I hope your pillow fort and frosting and Speidi crystals and miniature horses will sustain you for at least another couple of weeks, or until some point when we can say âitâs all downhill from here!â and mean it in the good way. Bye!