HELLO, and welcome back to The Trash Report, where I will serve as your human raccoon to sift through the dumpsters and bring you all the best in gossip, gross-outs, nonsense, and no-thank-yous. Mmm, and she’s mighty rank this week. Let’s dig in!
Ted Cruz: National Garbage King
The cringiest trash that went down last week was the Senate confirmation hearings for Supreme Court nominee Ketanji Brown Jackson. Universally reviled Texas senator Ted Cruz took the opportunity to brag about a) having made law review at Harvard, b) constantly interrupt, and c) make a big ol' messy ass out of himself, much like he did after missing the check-in window on a flight from Montana to DC last week. Um, duh, we know that Cruz will only hurry to get on a flight to DC if it's after being publicly shamed for ditching his constituents to ride out a deadly storm in Cancun!
Anyway, here's a creative reenactment of Republican questions during the hearing:
"Judge Jackson, the title of the song is 'We Don't Talk About Bruno.' Every singer, at one point in the song, says they don't talk about Bruno. Yet, they *are* talking about Bruno. How do you account for this?"
— Dave Itzkoff (@ditzkoff) March 23, 2022
You Can't Afford to Live Here but Stealing Ugly Shoes is the Wrong Call
Are you interested in buying a house in Portland? Your best bet is to invent a time machine and travel to the year 2000 and snatch one up. A new report shows that Portland housing prices have risen 200 percent in the last 20 years, making our city one of the fastest increasing markets in the country. But I did a little digging and found it is still possible to get a spot at a decent location below half a million—like this charming one-bedroom shack on 46th and Stark, or this fixer-upper behind the Round Table on Holgate. (That pizza mansion is actually v. cool, I kind of want it??)
On the other hand, if you are very very rich, you can buy Epstein's Pedophile Island. If I bought it I would change the name, but I still think that living behind the Round Table Pizza on Holgate would be much less cursed.
A 26-year-old man has been arrested following the theft of a U-Haul containing approximately $250,000 worth of Adidas Yeezys. I did the math and this works out to about $227 per pair. I have a lot of questions, the most important being: Why not cuter shoes? I swear, heists are wasted on the tackiest shit. I say this rarely but thank you, cops, for keeping this product off the streets.
On Jilted Lovers
This is a really important anniversary:
If you don't know the backstory, do yourself a favor and take the time to learn what a shady bitch Julia Roberts used to be—it's truly the *chef's kiss* of shady bitchiness.
Actor Joshua Bassett, the young man rumored to be the ex of Olivia Rodrigo who inspired the song “Driver’s License,” recently revealed that he was hospitalized for several days following the single’s release. The Olivia Rodrigo superfan in me said “LOL, serves you right!”” But if you'll read through, the empathetic human in us says “aw buddy, I hope that you're okay." Bassett seems better now and has also since come out as a member of the LGBTQ community and I wish him nothing but the best, while also hoping he's deep doing some reflecting in his "finding-out phase" after crossing Rodrigo during his "fuck-around phase."
And more on breakups: Signal boosting this Craigslist missed connection for the person who may have given us the name of Olivia Rodrigo's next great breakup album, "Your vibes are bad and all my friends hate you."
Knowing nothing more of the conflict, I side with the post's author because not liking "Judas" by Lada Gaga is factually a dumpable offense.
That's all the trash she wrote this week, friends. Here's your prize for reading to the end:
See YOU next week, dolls!