What does the fox say? Probably GRRRRRR I CRAVE HUMAN FLESH.
What does the fox say? Probably "GRRRRRR I CRAVE HUMAN FLESH." JMrocek / iStock / Getty Images Plus

Happy New Week, friends, and welcome to another round of gossip and garbage from yours truly. To clarify, it's not my trash; I am merely your guide on this journey. I'm actually very careful about how much trash I produce because residential garbage is only picked up every two weeks. It makes my family much more thoughtful about waste. I don't love literal trash. Like, I don't litter.

Now that that's all cleared up, let's dive in (metaphorically)!

Chompy DC Fox is Milkshake Ducked by Rabies, Death

The nation was briefly charmed by a fox on the grounds of the Capitol in Washington, DC, last week who bit several people before being captured by Capitol Police. The charm wore off once the fox was discovered to have rabies and had to be euthanized. As if its rapid rise and devastating death weren't enough, MSN added insult to injury by using a picture of a raccoon to tweet about the incident:

Raccoons are factually bad whereas (non-rabid) foxes are cute, and I look forward to MSN's correction and apology.

Other Rabid Creatures, but Ones Who Are Running for Governor

With many states across this country proposing and enacting laws to persecute trans kids, the Willamette Week took the opportunity to grill the leading candidates in Oregon's gubernatorial race about their position on barring trans children from participating in girls' sports. Many Republicans confirmed that they are, in fact, heartless ogres. One leading candidate, Christine Drazan, said "We need to respect the dignity of every individual, but that does not mean we should accept that biological males competing in women’s sports is fair or appropriate," as if questioning a child about their private parts is dignified. Another contender, Steve Pulliam, said "As governor, I will enact protections for girls to ensure they have the opportunity to play in girls sports." Okay, well, trans girls are girls—so yeah, sure. Unaffiliated candidate and recipient of big Nike money Betsy Johnson also sided with the ogres, stating "I don’t believe it’s fair to force female athletes to compete against biological men. Sports should be about fair competition, not social engineering." Fuck all of them, honestly.

Over in Idaho, their race for governor is also peppered with some truly vile people, including Malheur Standoff mastermind Ammon Bundy, who was recently arrested for failing to complete 40 hours of community service from another arrest. (The guy loves trespassing! Kind of weird for a land rights freak??) In the most narcissistic response ever, Bundy tried telling the judge that his hours spent campaigning for governor counted as community service. The judge laughed him out of the courtroom and into some handcuffs. I am not a supporter of the carceral state unless it's jerks getting arrested. :)

Vanessa Hudgens, Ghosts, and Gays

This one is a bit of a journey, but stay with me: High School Musical alum Vanessa Hudgens was recently on Kelly Clarkson's show and shared that she (Hudgens) could communicate with ghosts. Hudgens explained that she resisted the "gift" for years, but now she's leaning in: "I’ve accepted the fact that I see things and I hear things." In and of itself this is no big thing; celebrities are always going on about woowoo stuff and spirituality, and Hudgens is a rumored stoner so... sure, she's into ghosts. HOWEVER, this made me think about the theory that people always think they're seeing ghosts in old houses because of carbon monoxide poisoning, and THEN I got WORRIED because investigative media darling Ronan Farrow and his partner, podcaster and comedian Jon Lovett, recently purchased Hudgens's Los Feliz home! I and many other extremely online millennials have come to rely heavily on Farrow and Lovett's takes; if they start spouting off about spirits in The New Yorker, I'm going to have to reevaluate some things, and I hate doing that.

Other Celebrity News

We've all come to accept that the existence of billionaires is a societal moral failing, right? There shouldn't be billionaires, period. Except—shit, hang on—Rihanna is now a billionaire. What do we do? Is it bad to still buy the Fenty undereye concealer that convinces me that I'm convincing the world that I'm doing okay?? And is it bad of me to share the link to the concealer because it could put more money into the pockets of someone who already has too much, even though if anyone deserves it, it's her because she is literally the coolest living person, and also she's pregnant now so buying her makeup helps a working mom???????

If you are also spiraling out of control, take deep breaths to Oscar Isaac giving us all permission to call him "Daddy":

Daddy made things better, didn't he? Nope, I don't like it, I don't care that he says it's okay. You all do you.

Until next time, yours in the dumpster fire,