From TMZ: Pictures of four-year-old Suri Cruise in Katie’s arms eating a box of “Penis Gummies.”

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God! Why does Suri Cruise get everything? Is it because she’s rich? Does the church of Scientology require you to eat Penis Gummies as some sort of ritual? All I know is that IT’S NOT FAIR, and I would literally KILL to have a mouth full of penises to gum on right now. (Wait… did I say that right?)

Bang bang, choo-choo train, let me see you shake that thang. Wm. Steven Humphrey is the editor-in-chief of the Portland Mercury and has held the job since 2000. (So don’t get any funny ideas.)

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