According to the New York Post, Gwyneth Paltrow’s potential recording deal with Atlantic Records crumbled after she reportedly demanded a $1 million contract.

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(Inhale…) HAAAAAAA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAAAA!!! HAAAAAAA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAAAA!!! HAAAAAAA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAAAA!!! HAAAAAAA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAAAA!!! HAAAAAAA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAAAA!!! HA!!!

Okay... stop laughing at me.
  • “Okay… stop laughing at me.”

More after the jump…

HAAAAAAA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAAAA!!! HAAAAAAA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAAAA!!! HAAAAAAA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAAAA!!! HAAAAAAA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAAAA!!! HAAAAAAA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAAAA!!! HAAAAAAA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAAAA!!! HAAAAAAA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAAAA!!! HAAAAAAA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAAAA!!! HAAAAAAA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAAAA!!! HAAAAAAA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAAAA!!! HAAAAAAA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAAAA!!! HAAAAAAA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAAAA!!! HAAAAAAA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAAAA!!! HAAAAAAA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAAAA!!! HAAAAAAA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAAAA!!! HAAAAAAA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAAAA!!! HAAAAAAA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAAAA!!! HAAAAAAA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAAAA!!!
(Inhale…) HA-ha-ha-ha-HAA! HA-ha-ha-ha-HAA! HA-ha-ha-ha-HAA! HA-ha-ha-ha-HAA! HA-ha-ha-ha-HAA! HA-ha-ha-ha-HAA! HA-ha-ha-ha-HAA! HA-ha-ha-ha-HAA! HA-ha-ha-ha-HAA! HA-ha-ha-ha-HAA! HA-ha-ha-ha-HAA! HA-ha-ha-ha-HAA! HA-ha-ha-ha-HAA! HA-ha-ha-ha-HAA! HA-ha-ha-ha-HAA! HA-ha-ha-ha-HAA! HA-ha-ha-ha-HAA! HA-ha-ha-ha-HAA! HA-ha-ha-ha-HAA! HA-ha-ha-ha-HAA! HA-ha-ha-ha-HAA! HA-ha-ha-ha-HAA! HA-ha-ha-ha-HAA! HA-ha-ha-ha-HAA! HA-ha-ha-ha-HAA! HA-ha-ha-ha-HAA! HA-ha-ha-ha-HAA! HA-ha-ha-ha-HAA! HA-ha-ha-ha-HAA! HA-ha-ha-ha-HAA! HA!
HA!
HA!

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(Wait… now I can’t remember what I was laughing about.)

Bang bang, choo-choo train, let me see you shake that thang. Wm. Steven Humphrey is the editor-in-chief of the Portland Mercury and has held the job since 2000. (So don’t get any funny ideas.)

5 replies on “Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t Worth as Much as She Thinks”

  1. If someone’s dumb enough to give her a million bucks for her time, then good for her.

    I can’t see how she’s any less talented than the craptastic no-tones your publication promotes or any of the other parasite infested offal that Sony, Disney, NewsCorp, or Time-Warner serves up still wriggling and steaming hot.

  3. Nine out of ten Portland bands suck but that’s true of anywhere. It’s just that in Portland there is 10x the suck. How bad can she really be compared to all that? Maybe she does still suck but then you pile on all the hipster self-righteousness and she becomes the fucking anti-Christ. I know the drill. Move along…

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