[Hello, dears! Think 2016 was a roiling garbage fire of bad news? Actually, some GOOD THINGS happened as well! Let’s take a tip-toe down memory lane for the BEST GOSSIP from this year of crap.—Ann]
TUESDAY, JANUARY 19
Big thumbs-up emojis to hunky actor Jamie Foxx who—NBD—jumped into a burning car to save an accident victim. The truck reportedly crashed, overturned, and burst into flames outside of Foxx’s Hidden Valley residence, prompting the actor and another onlooker to pull the trapped driver to safety. In a related story, Foxx has yet to respond to our cries to save us from being trapped inside our bra—which, while not literally on fire, is wicked hot.
SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 7
Today—shockingly and wonderfully—Beyoncé made Super Bowl Sunday good for something other than giving professional football players traumatic brain injuries! “Many people have been commenting on social media on how Beyoncé used her [halftime] performance to make a point about the rights of black people,” the BBC reported, as awestruck as the rest of us by Beyoncé’s performance of her new song “Formation.” “Her dancers were dressed like radical political group the Black Panthers, and they formed an X during the performance, seen as a reference to Malcolm X.” But even Beyoncé’s halftime show—which gobsmacked millions who thought they were just tuning in to watch a dumb football game—paled in comparison to the video for “Formation,” which Beyoncé also released this weekend. “The brilliance of ‘Formation’ is that it boiled down and stewed black life, art, and culture into an epic five-minute music video,” wrote Tiffany Lee of Black Girl Dangerous. “‘Formation’ isn’t about Beyoncé or even about her constant conflation of capitalistic success with feminist liberation. This video is about how black folks have learned how to sing songs, kiss babies, yell for joy, make love, and recite poems all while holding a mouth full of our dead.” “This is a woman who understands her own power, how to harness and magnetize us to it,” Wesley Morris wrote in the New York Times. “I mean, I’m supposed to be out at dinner right now. Instead, I’m hunched over a computer contemplating the Beyoncé politic. No one running for president at the moment has managed to do that.” IN OTHER WORDS… Forget about Clinton and Sanders, everybody. BEYONCÉ FOR PRESIDENT! (Of the universe!)
SATURDAY, MARCH 5
Today in Los Angeles, Beyoncé made all the other moms on the planet look like crap. (Sorry, moms!) Showing up at a benefit for her four-year-old daughter Blue Ivy’s elementary school, Bey “donned a skintight, reflective tiger-print black-and-gold dress” before launching into a surprise performance of “several songs, including ‘Crazy in Love,’ ‘Halo,’ and a cover of Whitney Houston’s ‘I Will Always Love You,’” according to Us! Now, we’re not saying that your PTA meetings are enormous wastes of time and energy simply because they don’t feature surprise concerts by Beyoncé, but… that’s exactly what we’re saying. Sorry moms! And dads! And every kid who doesn’t go to Blue Ivy’s school! Enjoy your little bake sale, or whatever.
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 16
Hmmmm… we wonder how Jared Fogle—former Subway spokesmodel and convicted pedophile—is faring in his new prison home? As you recall, Fogle was sentenced to a minimum of 13 years at the Englewood Federal Correctional Institute in Colorado, which is a minimum-security facility. So it can’t be that bad, right? Well, don’t tell that to 38-year-old Jared, who recently got jumped in the prison yard by a 60-year-old inmate who repeatedly punched him in the face. According to TMZ, Fogle’s attacker was apparently tired of child molesters getting off so easy in minimum security, and decided to take it out on the famous pedo, before being dragged off to solitary confinement. (Unfortunately, the walls in solitary are probably too thick for him to hear the cheers of a joyous and thankful nation.)
MONDAY, MARCH 28
Guys… it’s hard out there for a Bieber! As you assuredly recall, Justin Bieber spent much of his misspent youth dating then-Disney star Selena Gomez, who eventually got tired of his constant pubescent bullshit, and dropped him like a hot can of Axe Body Spray. After several on-and-off-again attempts to rekindle the romance, the pair seemingly parted ways for good… OR HAVE THEY? The two have been suspiciously nice to each other on social media lately, and according to E! News, a source claims Justin planned to rent out the entire Staples Center last week for a romantic date with Selena following his concert, where they’d cuddle up and watch the movie Titanic! Hahahahahaaaaa… gross. Unfortunately for JB, something happened before the show, and Selena called off the date. According to one onlooker, Justin was so distraught by the blow-off that “at one point during the concert, he was just lying on the stage not singing, just letting the track run.” Then he reportedly left his own show 20 minutes early, forcing tourmate Skrillex to finish the performance without him. POOR JUSTIN BIEBER! That sounds worse than what happened to all those crybabies on the actual Titanic!
TUESDAY, MARCH 29
Who wants us to continue twisting the Justin Bieber knife? Why, you do, of course. So remember yesterday when we said “something” happened to inspire Selena Gomez to cancel her Titanic(ally dumb) date with J. Biebs? Well, that “something” may be pop singer Charlie Puth. (For those unfamiliar with pop radio, Puth sings annoying songs such as “One Call Away”—which is one play away from making us drive a nail into our head. His name also sounds like a fart.) Us Weekly has accused Puth of doing some no-strings-attached banging with Gomez, adding that she is “super into him.” This cannot be good news for Justin Bieber, who is willing to rent out the entire Staples Center for Selena, but is getting cockblocked by a marginally talented turd whose name sounds like gas rapidly escaping from your grandmother’s bottom. IN A RELATED STORY… Ha. Ha. Ha.
SATURDAY, APRIL 23
Previously shrouded in mystery, the legitimate, uncontested queen of the universe, Beyoncé, released her “visual album,” Lemonade, on HBO today to an unsuspecting public. And for those watching, the world stopped spinning—because not only did Beyoncé produce a visually arresting work of art, but one of the most raw, painfully honest, and important messages an artist has delivered in years. The casual viewer might be tempted to label Lemonade as simply a juicy, rage-filled “fuck you” to her wildly overrated and probably philandering hubby Jay Z (and it is), but this album goes far deeper, intertwining feminism, family, #blacklivesmatter, racism, revenge, and redemption into one vital work of art. Reciting poems by the fabulously talented Somali-British writer Warsan Shire (seriously, check her shit out), Beyoncé rages about the treatment of women—particularly black women—at the hands of their men, fathers, and society. The film is so cutting, so personal, you seriously suspect that, at its conclusion, Jay Z will be served with divorce papers. Instead, Beyoncé once again rises above, reminds her man of exactly who she is, and what she deserves, and then? Forgives. Near the end, Jay Z is exactly where he belongs, staring silently at the camera—rubbing Beyoncé’s feet.
SUNDAY, APRIL 24
Today we were still talking about the groundbreaking visual album Lemonade, giggling with glee at Jay Z getting his presumed comeuppance, and marveling at how Beyoncé worked through her feelings artistically, instead of sobbing on Oprah’s couch. But for those who don’t recall the circumstances behind Jay Z’s alleged betrayal, it all goes back to May 5, 2014 after the Met Gala, where elevator security footage caught Beyoncé’s sister Solange furiously punching and kicking at Jay as Beyoncé looked on silently. At the time, waggy tongues blamed a supposed tryst between Jay and Rachel Roy, a fashion designer and ex-wife of the rapper’s former partner Damon Dash. Flash forward to Lemonade, where Beyoncé drops a delicious clue, saying Jay Z’s lover is “Becky with the good hair.” Immediately, three things ocurred: (1) Half the internet pointed at Rachel Roy. (2) The other half mistakenly thought Jay had an affair with Food Network celebrity Rachael Ray. Hahahahahaahahhhhhhh!! And (3) Rachel Roy outed herself by posting online, “Good hair don’t care, but we will take good lighting, for selfies, or self truths, always. Live in the light #nodramaqueens.” Needless to say, the internet simultaneously cried, “OH HELL NO,” forcing Rachel to quickly shut down her Instagram account. HA. HA. JUSTICE IS SERVED. Again, THANK YOU to our one true Queen of the Universe, Beyoncé: Forever may she reign. (And Hubby Kip? Tonight you’re switching off Game of Thrones and giving your full, undivided attention to Lemonade. Hope you like rubbing feet.)
[NEXT WEEK: Part two of the best news from 2016—and yes, there was some! Mmmmmwah!—Ann.]