Dears and darlings! Last week we brought you a bevy of not-so-terrible stories from 2017 (just to prove there were some). And this week, we’ve dug up even more juicy dollops of goodness from the latter part of the absolute worst year ever! So stir up a martini, dears, and get ready to feel almost hopeful about 2018! Mwwwah!—Ann
SUNDAY, JUNE 18
OMG! OMG! The biggest day of all is finally here!! According to People, “Beyoncé and husband Jay Z have welcomed twins.” Which must be why the heavens cried sweet tears of lemonade-flavored joy, the gray skies parted, and we didn’t even feel the need to drink six martinis before bed. Hopefully we’ll be able to maintain this state of utter bliss if Bey and Jay don’t give their perfection twins names that are absolutely celebludicrous. Hmmm, actually, that’s not a bad name for twins… Celeb and Ludicrous.
THURSDAY, JULY 13
Okay, everybody relax! As it turns out, Kim Kardashian is not—we repeat NOT—forcing her four-year-old daughter North West to wear an actual corset. To be clear, it just looks exactly like an actual corset. Big diff, okay? We mean, sure: The Kardashians are known for wearing actual corsets (AKA waist trainers), like, all the time. Sis Khloé even Instagrammed herself wearing a corset to workout sessions—because, of course, right? However, when little North was pictured earlier this week wearing a cute orange dress with what appeared to be an actual corset on top? Well, let’s just say the internet did what it does best… it went ape-shit haywire, accusing Kim of forcing her daughter into an Elizabethan torture device. BUT GUYS! Kim Kardashian would never do that, okay? “I would never put my daughter in a corset,” Kim cried on Twitter following this simply outrageous accusation—even though, as mentioned earlier, her family wears them all the time. “It’s a dress I bought that is a cotton fabric that laces up & looks like a corset!” So, everybody got that? Kim is absolutely NOT confining her child in an oppressive, constraining apparatus designed to reduce her waist to the circumference of a quarter. North is currently wearing a non-confining training corset—that is, until she’s eight and can wear the real thing. WE ARE GLAD WE CLEARED THIS UP.