Guys! Lindsay Lohan! Got Punched! In the FACE! On her birthday! FOR NO REASON! (Wait… I think I’m leaving something out… OH!) BY A WAITRESS! From Lindsay’s Twitter account:

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Oh. Is that it? Hmm. Okay. BUT GUYS! Lindsay is also really, really attracted to Ellen Page!

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Or… maybe she just likes Mini Coopers? (Goddammit… I need a distraction. Quick, a picture of Lindsay back when she was super hot!)

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Bang bang, choo-choo train, let me see you shake that thang. Wm. Steven Humphrey is the editor-in-chief of the Portland Mercury and has held the job since 2000. (So don’t get any funny ideas.)