So, a bunch of us here at the Merc are in the middle of a three-day juice cleanse from Portland Juice Press. In case you are unfamiliar, a juice cleanse involves abstaining from food*, alcohol, caffeine—everything except water and raw juice. The idea is that without having to deal with digesting food, your body can spend its energy shedding toxic buildup. I’ve experimented with lots of different cleanses, so I’m kind of supervising my co-workers as they undergo their first times. And I gotta say, if you have the cash and the willpower (a three-day cleanse runs $165, progressing up to six days at $330), this method is pretty trick. PJP is delivering us our daily rations of six different 16 oz juices to the office every morning. We don’t have to do squat, so it’s pretty easy… or is it?
- Portland Juice Press
*We were given permission to supplement with fresh fruits and veggies and the like, but to some of us that seems like cheating.
Hit the jump for profiles of the juicers and their progress…
Katie Peifer
Katie works in our sales department, is used to eating breakfast, and describes her typical diet as “usually homemade and fairly healthy, but does include grains, meat, cheese, etc.” Perhaps it’s no coincidence, then, that she has reported cravings for cheese and Thai noodles. She’s also taking advantage of the fact that PJP’s Liz Nolan gave us permission to eat some simple, mostly raw foods if we needed to. (It’s a cleanse, not a fast.) Katie’s been supplementing her juices with “bananas, blueberries, celery, carrots, watermelon, almond butter, and steamed edamame.”
So how’s that working out? “Last night my bike ride home was much harder than normal. I also had a headache when I went to bed last night. Not sure if it was from caffeine withdrawal or just from staring at a computer all day. I went to bed around 9:30 because I was quite tired. I am feeling quite cranky, to be honest, and thinking ‘what did I get myself into?’ Feeling sluggish and starving. Feed me, please! Don’t get me wrong, the juices are tasty, and I love fruits and vegetables, but I need something substantial.”
Dirk Vanderhart
News reporter Dirk rides his bike constantly and is heavily reliant on coffee. He “has never even been tempted” to cleanse before, but took this as a “challenge of the will.” He is doing it straight: all juice, no food. He didn’t finish all of his juices yesterday because he got sleepy and just went to bed instead, which seems to be a common thread.
“It’s mostly not bad. I reflected yesterday that it was the longest period of time, by a long shot, that I’d not eaten in 30 years of life. But it’s not as uncomfortable as you’d think. Actually, to the degree that I ever feel hungry at all, it’s been manageable with juice and water. The real bastard of a juice cleanse is not being able to drink coffee. For me, that brought on a crippling caffeine-withdrawal headache that set in yesterday afternoon and would not abate. But then I woke up at 1 am or so (because urination is constant on a juice fast) and the headache was gone! A milder iteration has returned today, though.
“There is also a fairly serious psychologic component to eating that’s been thrown into sharp relief in the last 24 hours. As I set off from work last night there was a very definite, and very desolate, notion that I had nothing to look forward to. I wanted—want—a tostada, and to ease into a sleepy digestive state. But I’ve just got this juice (which is all drinkable, if not always downright tasty) and, for now, a headache.”
- Portland Juice Press
- When you see it un-juiced, you realize you are actually consuming a ridiculous amount of food.
Sarah Elliott
Sarah also works in sales, and is pretty healthy and athletic despite “weekend splurges of pizza and beer.” She’s also supplementing with food: “I’m mostly just drinking the juice, with a banana and almond butter for breakfast. I had some veggies last night. I did have a sip of my boyfriend’s coffee this morning… he [also] bet that I couldn’t go without a drink for three nights… So far I’m winning that five bucks. Alcohol doesn’t even sound that wonderful to me, maybe because it’s a liquid, and I have plenty of that sloshing around in my stomach.”
It’s recommended that you lay off of more extreme exercise while on a cleanse but Sarah worked out last night anyway, which was “not the best idea.” However! “Mentally and emotionally I’m fine. No breakdowns in front of Little Big Burger or Pizza Hut… yet.” Like Dirk, she was only able to get through four and a half of her juices yesterday, claiming to have been “a bit juiced out.” She also passed out at 9:30 pm last night.
Me
Like I said, I’ve done cleanses before although never one specifically like this. I did attempt a juice cleanse once, which mainly consisted of me throwing whatever I had at home into my juicer and frequenting the juice menu at Prasad. I take comfort in the formulaic vibe of having my juices prescribed by experts like this. It feels safer. Like Dirk, I’m going straight juice, although I wouldn’t be averse to some fresh produce, I guess. I don’t really care. I was pretty hungry yesterday, but opted to crash early—surely it was at least 9:30?—instead. On the plus side it was markedly less of a trial getting out of bed for 6 am boot camp than it was on Monday, and while I didn’t feel particularly spectacular doing it, I did just fine.
I think Katie and I are the only ones drinking all their juices. I like them all, but there’s a carrot/broccoli/red bell pepper/apple/cayenne mix that’s by far the most remarkable flavor, and the one I’d recommend first. I find myself hoarding the empty bottles in a corner of my office for some unclear future purpose, but at this point they’re totally doing it for me. I am completely indifferent to the fact that I’m not eating. I’m more likely to order a salad (no cheese, no croutons, no dressing—just a lemon wedge, please) later just to make my husband feel less uncomfortable than to curb my own urges.
Physically I feel fine but emotionally… I have felt like shit all day. I am not quite as cranky as yesterday but I am a hundred times more depressed. They say that can happen when your body dredges up old waste; it can churn your emotions up too. Anyway, just leave me alone.
Rubes
Good job giving away free advertising to snake oil salesman!
http://www.senseaboutscience.org/pages/deb…
http://www.webmd.com/food-recipes/guide/de…
Will your next post be on the efficacy of homeopathic remedies?
I got a blog post from the Mercury the other day.
I opened and read it. It said they were suckers.
Subtitle: Everybody Has Gas.
They wanted me for their fast or whatever
Picture me giving a damn, I said never
Snake oil, indeed.
You know you could just buy some juice at Safeway, right?
[The following was left out of the post in order to conserve space and dignity]
At the end of the 3rd day, the newly-cleansed are rewarded* with a coffee enema to complete the process. (Those who complete the 6-day cleanse are given a free tarot reading while receiving their enema.)
*Although this is a necessary end-component of the detoxification process and truly does feel like a reward, it is not included in the original $165/$330 price — (a mere) $70 extra is required to cover the cost of the enemaologist’s time and the sanitization of the anal-tubes.
(A $5 discount is offered to those who provide their own grinder, bucket, & lube) ($10 extra for Stumptown brand) ($5 extra for ribbed tubes) ($3 extra for background music — your choice of either Enya or Sigur Rós)
http://www.thewellnesswarrior.com.au/2011/…
“The idea is that without having to deal with digesting food, your body can spend its energy shedding toxic buildup.”
No. The human body doesn’t work like that.
I’m thinking about doing one of my bi-annual liquor cleanses this weekend. I start with a giant basket of clam strips and then I ease into it with a twelve pack of PBR. After that I don’t consume anything but ‘goose and sodas and Jager bombs for three days. It usually costs me about $330 dollars but the Jager pushes out the toxins, the lime twists in the ‘goose give you some concentrated bursts of citrus to stave off scurvy and the red bull smooths out the low spots. The 12er of PBR makes you shit your brains out right in the beginning so by the time you’re done your insides are clean as a whistle. Leaves you feeling like a million bucks. Just make sure you ramp back up to solid food again with another six pack of PBR.
You guys paid $165, per person, for three days’ worth of juice, and you publicly admit it? Wow. Hey, I’ve got some property in the Meadowlands I’d be happy to sell ya…
I mean, REALLY? $165?!?!? My juicer only cost, like, 35 bucks…
Alternately, you could save some time and just do a two-day Le Pigeon cleanse for $165. Juice (wine) included!
You’re no longer allowed to make fun of the anti-fluoride crowd.
You guys are SUCKERS!!!!!
Ease up guys. It isn’t snake oil. However Merc, you should know what it doesn’t work unless you finish up with some of these here magic beans. As luck would have it, I’m running a special today….
SO IS ALL OF BLOGTOWN GOING TO EVENTUALLY JUST BE RIPOFFS OF KIALA’S TWITTER FEED?
That’s my job, drunk and write. That’s my job.
*tweets sadly*
^^You guys are idiots. I don’t know why I bother; everyone who comments is an idiot. (Hey, look at me! Commenting.)
This aint no fucking Tampico.
There is no added sugar or color. All they do is take a bunch of fruits and veggies and smash the hell out of them. Nutrients in juice form are easier for your body to absorb. It’s just fucking healthy. How can you possibly argue with that? Are you seriously this uneducated?
Also, it takes a lot of smashed fruit to fill a glass. To do it yourself would cost about the same, unless you add a shitload of water and sugar. Much like the juice you buy at Safeway.
Everyone’s body could use a break from all the shit we normally put into it. If you could put down your cheeseburger sandwiched between two Voodoo Doughnuts for 72 hours and pick up some goddamned vegetables, you might not get so winded while typing your inane remarks.
So, for those of you who don’t get email alerts when a new comment is posted, Dirk Vanderhart (or someone else with an account under the name, Dirk Vanderhart) posted, and then apparently quickly deleted, a comment nearly identical to the one that ‘JustSew’ posted several minutes later. Fishy, fishy.
Anyway…
Hey, JustSew, or whoever:
Yes, we’re all idiots here. Noted. However, i don’t think anyone here is saying that drinking plain fruit and veggie juice is unhealthy. What i think most of us are saying is that there is no festering “toxic buildup” sitting in our guts that can only be expelled when the body isn’t “having to deal with digesting food, [thereby allowing it to] spend its energy shedding toxic buildup”.
And as far as the pricing goes: “To do it yourself would cost about the same…” Bullshit. 16oz of pure, unadulterated juice for over $9 a bottle is pretty darn pricey, even if it’s delivered. Once you have a juicer on hand (which pays for itself quite quickly), getting 16oz of juice from organic fruits and veggies costs nowhere near $9. Nowhere near.
Exactly, nothing wrong with drinking expensive fruits and vegetables, a lot wrong with buying into bullshit science after spending weeks mocking people for buying into bullshit science. Enjoy the headaches and diarrhea.
@HIT: You should post the body of that email. I’m curious about the details.
Also, JustSew, you know what helps your body flush out toxins? Fiber. You know what’s left in the juicer when your juice comes out? Fiber. Juice is great….but it does not “help your body absorb nutrients more better.”
@ Graham:
Personally, i think the cheeseburger line worked better when it was preceded by “goddamned”…
For the record, Dirk, this was the first time i’ve ever taken issue with any of your posts or comments. (Again, assuming this was indeed you.) Ain’t got nuthin’ but love for you, man.
——————–
New comment from Dirk VanderHart Re: “The Week That Key Members of the Mercury Staff Stopped Eating Food”
^^You guys are idiots. I don’t know why I bother; people who comment are always idiots. (Hey, look at me! Commenting.)
This aint no fucking Tampico.
No added sugar or color. All they do is take a bunch of fruits and veggies and smash the hell out of them. Nutrients in juice form are much easier for your body to absorb. It’s just fucking healthy. How can you argue with that? Are you seriously this uneducated?
If any of you had the willpower to put down your goddamned cheeseburger sandwiched between two Voodoo Doughnuts for 72 hours, you might actually feel better about yourself and not get so winded while typing your inane ramblings.
——————–
For your convenience, here is JustSew’s again:
^^You guys are idiots. I don’t know why I bother; everyone who comments is an idiot. (Hey, look at me! Commenting.)
This aint no fucking Tampico.
There is no added sugar or color. All they do is take a bunch of fruits and veggies and smash the hell out of them. Nutrients in juice form are easier for your body to absorb. It’s just fucking healthy. How can you possibly argue with that? Are you seriously this uneducated?
Also, it takes a lot of smashed fruit to fill a glass. To do it yourself would cost about the same, unless you add a shitload of water and sugar. Much like the juice you buy at Safeway.
Everyone’s body could use a break from all the shit we normally put into it. If you could put down your cheeseburger sandwiched between two Voodoo Doughnuts for 72 hours and pick up some goddamned vegetables, you might not get so winded while typing your inane remarks.
Can I just say for the record, that I hate everyone who did this cleanse, and I hate everyone who’s commented on this cleanse?
BOOM! COMMENTS CLOSED!!
(Not really. I just like to slam my hand down on tables and scream “COMMENTS CLOSED!!”)
It wasn’t me, HIT. No one’s going to believe that, but it honestly wasn’t.
To detoxify my body, I rely on my liver and kidneys. They are the product of a half-billion years of evolution. But I’m sure that Portland’s new juice company is really good too.
@Blabby: Sometimes I eat a lot of kale in one sitting; the extra fiber helps to clean out the pipes. Also, plenty of water and regular exercise.
@ Dirk:
Alright then. So this means that JustSew actually has a little bit of integrity (either that, or a healthy fear of The Wrath of VanderHart) and, after a few evil seconds, used the delete/edit function and decided not to sully your name after all.
Good for you, JustSew. So, instead of being wrong AND an identity-thieving asshole, now you’re just wrong.
DirkVanderHartgate: Day 1
Dirk’s advisers arrive too late to counsel him to avoid an outright denial and instead blame BCOPD (beta-carotene-overload personality disorder).
Ugh. This is a shared computer. I didnt realize he was still logged in.
While I stand by what I said, a juice fast will probably do more good than harm, and sometimes the comments here are rude and pointless (just like mine!) I do feel bad for potentially making Dirk look silly. Hopefully he can forgive me.
@ Drunk & Write–I never said “more better”. Jerk.
Where can I send my new bleach cleanse for you guys to try out?
So ‘JustSew’ is a Mercury employee? It’s more than a little disingenuous for them to post anonymously in this context.
@JustSew: You implied it.
Aw CRAP! I just cant win. This is the last post I will ever write. I am not a Mercury employee, I’m just his stupid girlfriend.
Hey, lets all move on to things that actually matter now.