When our forefathers gave their lives on the battlefields of glory to rid our new country of the stinking British, they didn't do it just so you could sit on your ass every Fourth of July eating barbecued ribs and swilling Pabst Blue Ribbon. They wanted you to viscerally remember the price they paid for your freedom. So when you're standing on the Burnside Bridge watching the fireworks display, you should remember that our fallen heroes of yore weren't "ooohing" and "ahhing" at the "rockets red glare and bombs bursting in air." They were running around screaming, "OH GOD! MY BACK IS ON FIRE!"
The best way to pay tribute to their ultimate sacrifice is by purchasing the biggest, scariest fireworks you can find, and blowing the shit out of something. And if you lose a finger in the process? Well, perhaps that might bring you one step closer to the true meaning of "patriotism."
Therefore, it is with great civic pride that the Mercury brings you this guide to the newest and most dangerous of explosive devices. Prices are included with each, as well as a handy rating system of severed fingers to denote their explosive capabilities.
DANCING BUTTERFLY SURPRISE
Ahhh the beautiful butterfly. Perhaps nature's most exquisite creation. This deceptive firework celebrates the butterfly's beauty and grace by emitting a fountain of shimmering, sparkly sparks. However! There's a reason it's called the "Dancing Butterfly Surprise," because as the last of the sparks fall gracefully to the ground a barrage of jumping baby ground spinners leap out, and attack every spectator in sight, leaving everyone within a 100-yard radius with horrible seeping burns! SURPRISE!
Explosive Capability: ***
ALIEN ABDUCTIONl
Sure, America may have successfully turned the Rooskies into a weeping, bankrupt country of alcoholics and mail-order brides, but that doesn't mean we are devoid of evil enemies! We should never turn our backs on the scourge of aliens that are constantly hovering above the atmosphere, biding their time before they attack our I-HOPs and administer clumsy anal probes! Make sure you are prepared with "Alien Abduction," which launches buzzing aerial UFO spinners into the atmosphere where you can shoot them down with your shotgun. Makes great practice!
Explosive Capability: **
