Hello, babies! Welcome back to the Trash Report. My name is Elinor Jones. I am making this introductory paragraph short, because WOW. WHAT A WEEK.
National Trash
When I say “National Trash,” I am of course referring to the Republican Party, which just got tossed into the garbage can faster than Trump throws a well-done cheeseburger doused in ketchup against an Oval Office wall. It’s so good. I honestly still can’t believe how good it was. Text threads with fellow wonks were reduced to just giddily naming states, because what else could we have said at 10 pm on Tuesday, but KANSAS?! NORTH CAROLINA??!?!?!??!! TEXAS!?!!??!?!?!?!!?!!!!!! See kids, this is why you never get rid of drugs, because it felt good AF to find that stash of hopium I’d never turned over to my sponsor.
This picture of Ben Affleck smoking a cigarette with his eyes closed and an “I Voted” sticker on his jacket will be the cover of the book on 2026:
And how is Trump handling it? Well, he fired his Chief of Staff Susie Wiles and has replaced her with longtime advisor and human thumb in a suit Stephen Miller. This suggests that Trump has zero interest in doing anything the Democrats will like, and is instead doubling down on his most evil instincts. But they won’t be able to do shit! ‘Cuz we got the House and the Senate! And like, it’s a bummer when nothing can get done in Washington, but it’s good when literal Nazis can’t get anything done in Washington.
The Good News Keeps Coming
Elon Musk announced that Tesla will be winding down production of the hideous Cybertruck so they can focus instead on producing something called a Cybercab? And like, sure. If you’re going to build exploding vehicles, it’s a more palatable sell to someone who won’t have to drive them. I didn’t really know anything about Cybercabs, so I looked them up and apparently they are autonomous cars with room for two passengers. I know that Elon Musk would never actually drive around his dozens of children, but it’s funny that he assumes that no other person would need to be in a car that fits a family. He’s just like, here is a car that fits exactly one shitty man and one woman who’s a little bit confused at the moment; this cab promises to get you where you need to go before she realizes she deserves wayyyyy better.
World News
Enough about our (suddenly redeemable) country, let’s talk about the WORLD. An Italian pizza chef in Australia was just fired for refusing to put pineapple on a pizza, calling it an insult to his country. Even though pineapple on pizza is excellent and should be celebrated, I respect his decision. A man’s got to have a code. That said, I feel like Australia is a place that has some really weird pizza toppings. Like, someday we’ll find out they have been putting snakes on their pizza this whole time, and that this dude is cool with the snakes, but the pineapple was a bridge too far.
Over in the UK, actor Russell Brand was convicted of rape and sexual assault, and who should come to his defense but conservative news queen megabitch Megyn Kelly. Kelly said she had met Brand and found him charming, so she couldn’t believe he’d do something like that. Kelly has also defended the Cornell 7 and one Jeffrey Epstein. It seems to me like she wasn’t so much charmed by Brand as she just likes rapists in general. Last week Kelly also went off on Democratic Representative Haley Stevens, who at the last minute endorsed Republican Mike Rogers over (winner!) Abdul El-Sayed in the Minnesota Senate race. Kelly said “Fuck off, you lost!” and called her both a nutcase and a ninny. I think “ninny” is the most degrading insult that uptight conservative women can use. On their drag-o-meter it goes like cat lady, shrew, witch, bitch, cunt, and then all the way in the bright purple danger zone is NINNY. Anyway, Megyn Kelly: wrong about rapists, right about Haley Stevens.
Winter is Coming
Twenty-three-year-old Gen X icon Olivia Rodrigo just released her first Christmas song called Take Me Home (4 Christmas). It’s a banger! The song samples another Christmas pop song from decades ago called “Christmas Wrapping” by the Waitresses. The man who wrote that song is happy with Rodrigo’s single and said it has a chance to be in “that elusive Christmas number one contest they have every year in the UK.” This is what gave me pause. What does he mean “Christmas number one contest they have every year in the UK”???? I thought that was a stupid thing they made up to move forward the Billy Mack storyline in Love, Actually, but apparently it’s a real thing that happens every year, where everybody is all curious what song will become number one the week of Christmas. I thought English Christmas was all Dickens and figgy pudding, but they’re pop culture-obsessed trolls just like us.
Speaking of music, wife guy Billy Evans (husband to Elizabeth Holmes) has been enjoying his newfound notoriety by responding to random questions on social media. When asked who his favorite pop girlies were, Evans responded: “Chappell Roan has one of the best live sets I have ever seen. The crowd was amazing. I bought our engagement right at a Taylor Swift reputation tour merch stand. Aretha Franklin has the best voice.” I’m sorry: what was that second thing you said? You bought an engagement ring at a Taylor Swift concert? The Reputation tour?! The ring was a snake! While proposing with a snake ring is deeply charming, if the dude is a burly biker with a heart of gold or a legitimate warlock, a skeezy pretty boy had better be packing diamonds. Not blood diamonds, though. Not for her. Blood tech was Holmes’ whole thing. She probably calls those “work diamonds.”
Hair News
Ariana Grande recently debuted a new bob. The gossip site Crazy Days and Nights alleges that the chop was due to her having passed out headfirst into a bunch of sticky Asian food, ruining her hair. My instinct was to embrace this insane rumor and shout it from the rooftops, but I don’t buy it! Asian cuisine may have some sticky sauces, but it’s not freakin’ gum. Remember a few years ago when that woman went viral for accidentally using superglue in her hair? A stylist was able to get THAT out, surely they’d be able to get out actual edible materials as well. I imagine Grande chopped off her hair for the same reason that any woman does: she got drunk with an extremely supportive friend and they saw a picture of someone with that hair and despite having a totally different style and bone structure, they believed she could pull it off, too.
Beverage News
Blake Lively is shutting down production of her Betty Booze line of beverages. The drinks were mocktails and canned cocktails allegedly based on recipes from her own home. The recipe of mixing juice with booze? Real revolutionary stuff! In other beverage news, Diet Coke does not seem to be embracing its nickname as “fridge cigarettes” in spite of them being exactly that. The CEO said “it’s a great-tasting product, which connects with the consumer in a very unique way.” Totally. In a way that scratches a chemical addiction itch which you can legally enjoy several times per day, which also promotes thinness and despite being toxic and bad for your teeth is impossibly chic and cool. Definitely nothing else like that.
Now it is time for you to spark up a fridge cig, because this column is over, and it was a good one. I hope you have been as happy as I have been these past few days, because we all deserve it. Thank you for always sticking together in the hard times because it’s so nice to have you here with me here in the good times.
Millennially,
