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Everyday at 3 pm I search Craigslist for my one true interest in life, so imagine my surprise when I see this listing.

LIVING THE VAMPIRE, GOTH OR OCCULT LIFESTYLE? (Portland)

— ARE YOU IN THE VAMPIRE COMMUNITY AND A LOVED ONE WANTS YOU OUT?
— IS ONE OF YOUR CLOSE RELATIVES OR FRIENDS INTO THE VAMPIRE LIFESTYLE AND YOU WANT HIM/HER OUT?
— ARE YOU OR SOMEONE YOU KNOW INTO SATANISM OR THE OCCULT, AND IT’S CAUSING TURMOIL?
— ARE YOU OR SOMEONE YOU KNOW INTO THE GOTH LIFESTYLE AND YOUR/THEIR LOVED ONES HATE IT?

IF YOU ARE INTO THE DARK SIDE AND SOMEONE YOU KNOW IS TRYING TO GET YOU OUT, PLEASE E-MAIL US BACK WITH YOUR NAME AND PHONE #, OR CALL 855-833-7770, EXT. 2

THIS IS FOR A TAPING IN NEW YORK CITY IN SEPTEMBER!

***ALL GUESTS GET FREE FLIGHT + FREE HOTEL + MEAL MONEY***

Nice trap, Blade. Then again, a free trip to New York City is a free trip to New York City. What’s a vampire to do?

Ezra Ace Caraeff is the former Music Editor for the Mercury, and spent nearly a third of his life working at the paper. More importantly, he is the owner of Olive, the Mercury’s unofficial office dog....

3 replies on “Calling All Vampires”

  3. Satanists should be banned from our society just like any other criminals as they don’t contribute to society, only rape and kill innocent people of all ages including animals for bizarre rituals and to ” get their rocks off”; They’re also heavily involved in Bondage, Domination, Sadism, and Masochism and frequently have sex with both men and women, as well as underaged boys and girls!

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